


By the Riverside

by FanniAlak



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, Marauders AU, Modern AU, Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Sexual Content, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:20:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29071674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanniAlak/pseuds/FanniAlak
Summary: Sirius returns home from his year abroad in France to find that his father, the CEO of a multi-million company, has yet again fired his personal assistant and hired a new one – a pattern that both Sirius and his brother are very much familiar with. Only this time, the new assistant is Remus Lupin, and Sirius can only hope that he gets to keep the job.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 15
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains themes such as alcohol, illnesses (cancer), loss of a family member, mentions of abuse etc., which can be sensitive to some readers. More specific content warnings at the beginning of each chapter!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius finds a way to spend his last few hours in Paris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: alcohol

Just another day at the university.

It was a sunny one, like the past however-many-days Sirius remembered. It seemed to always be sunny in Paris. Well, that wasn't true. Maybe in the summer. He looked around the campus, squinting against the sunlight. He would miss France, miss the university, but not the loud streets at nighttime and the people being way too intimate. He would miss France a lot. But it was good to go back home – a little nerve racking maybe, but he wouldn't want to stay here, either.

A year abroad had been good for his mind. And as much as it sounded a cliche, and as much as Sirius _hated_ cliches, he had learnt a lot about himself. And he had learnt a lot about Marc, but was happens is Paris, stays in Paris.

There was a group of students sitting on the lawn, a picnic basket in front of them and glasses of champagne clinking happily. They were chattering away in quick French. Someone was playing with their dog, and Sirius almost stopped to pet it. Almost, but not quite – he didn't want to walk past the flock of giggling French girls on the bench nearby. He'd had just enough of those during his stay, and while they had been good fun at first, Sirius preferred something a little... different. Some people even had their schoolbooks and laptops still in front of them, eyes squinted as they focused on their last bits of schoolwork for the term. Sirius pushed his sunglasses up his nose and kept walking, a leisurely pace. Someone was running, AirPods in their ears, tiny running shorts riding up their thighs. And finally, he reached the fountain and sat down on the edge of it, despite the sign that specifically told him not to. Whatever, he wouldn't be here next year anyway. The dog he had seen only moments before ran up to him; he scratched it behind the ears before it turned around, tail wagging, and ran back to its owner.

It wasn't just another day at the university. It was his last day.

Tomorrow, at 10 am, he would be back in London.

Sirius sighed, dropping his head back and letting the sunlight catch every inch of his face that wasn't covered with the sunglasses. He'd miss Paris, if only because it was so much _easier_. He didn't have to listen to his parents rant on and on about how he needed to start taking a little responsibility in the family business. He didn't have Regulus whinging in his ear, telling him to stop rebelling and do better. He didn't have to talk business and numbers all day, he got to have lunch whenever the fuck he wanted to, he got to have dinner whenever the fuck he wanted to – he could eat breakfast at 4 am or at 11 am, and no one complained. _Merde_.

He stood up, then sat back down, stayed still for a few seconds, dipped his hand into the warm fountain water, then stood up again. There were no more lectures, no more student parties, he had had to hand back the keys to his dorm already – just half an hour ago, and he wasn't leaving until tomorrow. Eighteen hours to spend in Paris, with nowhere to sleep. What does one do with nothing but eighteen hours in Paris? _Anything_ , is the answer.

He walked back the way he had come from, and received a few happy waves from the picnickers. Most of them were young guys, dressed in smart shirts and shorts that reached the middle of their thigh, sunglasses on, shoes off. A few girls, floral dresses or flowy blouses and ripped denim shorts. They all wore sunny grins, legs splayed out in front of them. _Whatever_ , Sirius thought to himself and walked over: _Only eighteen hours left_. " _Bonjour_ ", he nodded, sitting down on the blanket as someone handed him a tall glass of bubbly. He sat cross-legged, sipping on his champagne, eating strawberries and crackers with strangers. If this wasn't what life was about, then he didn't know what was.

18:00, 15 hours left in Paris 

A few hours, a few more glasses of champagne and a few ciders later, Sirius was one the move again. His cheeks felt hot from the alcohol and the sun, which was no longer high up in the sky, and he was feeling a bit better. More laid-back, at least. He stopped by at the campus reception to retrieve his bags, which he had left at one of the chargeable safety lockers – at least they still let him use that, bloody fuckers. He headed off towards the streets, in search of a cheap motel to crash at, or at least to store his bags at until the flight. He stopped by at a street-food cart and bought himself a pita, then found a dowdy, ragged-looking motel, not even a bed-and-breakfast, and settled for it. Not that he didn't have the money for anything better, he just felt it added to the experience of being practically homeless for a night in Paris. Well, he had a home in _London_ , but they weren't expecting him until the next day.

Sirius crashed down onto the bed, back first. The mattress was hard, and he didn't even bounce up in the slightest as his body hit the surface. It smelled of mildew and the whole room felt uncomfortably humid. But it was only for one night, and he had woken up in worse places – a pub bathroom in some London suburb seemed far more unpleasant than a cramped motel somewhere in Paris.

22:00, 11 hours left in Paris 

Sirius was drunk. Pissed out of his mind. He'd found a pub near the motel, one with cheap drinks and lots of drunk French people, a few tourists from somewhere in Eastern Europe, and a few British guys. They had had shot after shot, and then some girl had tried to coax Sirius to dance with her, but he had refused. He knew how to dance, he just chose not to do it unless he liked the company. Someone threw up next to his feet, which forced him to run to the bathroom and throw up himself. He flushed the toilet and leaned onto the wall, but got out as soon as he felt he could move again. He didn't want a repeat of that night in London. He stumbled back to the counter, asked for a glass of water and a shot of vodka, downed the shot in one go and then half of the water, before heading out through the door and onto the streets of Paris. He found another bar just a few streets down, and that's the last thing he remembered from that night.

6:00, 3 hours left in Paris 

Sirius woke up to his head throbbing, a thumping pain just below his left temple. He rubbed his hands over his face, skin sticky and sheets damp with sweat. It was unbearably hot in the motel room, the rays of early sunshine already peeking through the broken blinds on the window. Sirius groaned and rolled over, searching in his bag for Advil. He'd apparently left a glass of water on the small night table before crashing, which he now gratefully reached for – it was lukewarm and disgusting, but it had to do for now. He'd buy a fresh bottle from the airport.

He had a few hours left to spend however he wanted. He was ravenous, but he knew he had to be out of the room by seven, so breakfast had to wait. He took a shower under the cold water streaming down with annoyingly low pressure, shaved the scruffy beard that had grown on his face in the span of a few days, then brushed his teeth and gathered his things into his bags. At quarter to seven he was standing at the lobby of the motel, which was really just a small room, much the same style as the room Sirius had slept in – only there were no other pieces of furniture than the light wooden reception desk. He handed the key to the grumpy-looking receptionist, hoisted his bags onto his shoulders and entered the warm morning sunshine.

7:30, 1,5 hours left in Paris 

He found a small, idyllic cafe and got himself a croissant, a plastic goblet of fresh fruit and a coffee. Black, no sugar, no anything. Just how he liked it. With just over an hour left until his flight, he slowly worked through his breakfast, sitting outside on a small steel garden chair, enjoying his last few rays of Parisian sun. A passer-by glared at his plastic goblet and called him a 'climate destroyer' in a heavy French accent.

Sirius ordered himself a cab and waited the remainder of the time at the airport, nose buried into his phone, mindlessly scrolling through Instagram. " _Ceci est le tout dernier appel avant la fermeture des portes du vol Air France_...", the announcement brought him back to reality and he clicked his phone shut, shoved it in his pocket, jumped up and grabbed his carry-on. The mechanical voice rang in his ears as he strode towards the gates: "... _à destination de Heathrow, Londres_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me now if some the French phrases I use in this story aren't correct. I studied French for two years back in lower secondary so I pretty much have to rely on the internet. I don't remember anything. Thanks. :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus starts his new job. Regulus does what he does best – pleases his father. Sirius is back.

"Regulus!" 

"Yes, papa?" 

"Over here." 

Regulus smoothed the front of his suit jacket, cracked his neck and walked into the office. It was white marble all around, high ceiling, dark wooden furniture. No carpet. It had been like that as long as he could remember. No curtains on the windows. 

"Your brother's coming home tomorrow." 

"Yes. Heathrow, ten in the morning. I said I'd go pick him up." 

"I've hired a new assistant." 

"Oh. What about Lovegood–?" 

"She was no use. Besides, as I said, your brother's coming home. I want him straight back to work, no... _distractions_." 

Ah. An old lady, then. Orion Black changed personal assistants like socks – the longest Regulus knew someone had stayed on the spot was less than a year. Usually they were young ladies, not that their age mattered to Orion as long as they did their job. Young ladies that were after Regulus or his brother, or fame. A name in the industry. If an older woman applied, they were after Orion or fame or a name in the industry. Or a place to stay – one of the many benefits of working for Orion Black. One of the many things that Orion provided for his personal assistant to make them want the job, because Regulus wasn't sure anyone actually _wanted_ the job – if it wasn't for the money. Or the fame. Or the name. 

"Mr Black?" a voice came from the door. Minerva McGonagall, the housekeeper, stepped in, hair on a tight bun like always: "Mr Lupin has arrived." 

"Thank you, Minerva. Let him in." 

Minerva nodded, her head disappearing back through the creak of the door. Minerva McGonagall, who Regulus had known forever. _Literally_ forever – she had started working for his father before Regulus had even been a thought in the back of his parents' minds. She was kind for Regulus and Sirius, did her job immaculately (a trait that Orion very much appreciated) and was the only person who ever dared say a word against him. Regulus was a little surprised she hadn't been fired yet, but perhaps Orion knew he couldn't manage his business without her. Regulus was glad it was that way. He liked having her around. 

"Do _not_ go anywhere", Orion said from behind his desk as Regulus was reaching for the doorknob. His father's business meetings were usually a very private affair. Mr Lupin, whoever he was, must be the CEO of some huge international company – they all were, the people who Orion had over in his home office. 

But when the door opened, the man who stood on the other side certainly didn't look like a millionaire. He didn't look like a businessman in the slightest. He was young, not much older than Regulus. Probably around the same age as Sirius. He had light brown, slightly curly hair, he was tall and skinny, wearing a worn grey suit. He was clutching a brown leather suitcase, the old style, and there was a golden watch on his wrist – the only thing that really looked expensive about his appearance. He gave a shy, slightly lopsided smile, and reached his free hand forward, towards Regulus. 

"Remus Lupin", he said, looking at him nervously. 

"Regulus Black", Regulus replied, shaking his hand. Orion got up from his seat and walked over. 

"Welcome, Lupin", he shook the boy's hand, much in the same way as he shook the hands of his business partners. 

"Mr Black", Lupin nodded slightly, taking the hand and giving it a composed, stiff shake. Orion seemed content. 

"Regulus, this is Remus Lupin, my new personal assistant." 

Regulus made a small sound of surprise. Ah. Well, this was a fresh change. Maybe a much needed one. And it definitely took care of the Sirius problem – no young girls, not even old ladies... a man. The whole thing had Orion Black written all over it. _No distractions_ , he had said. Well, definitely not, now. 

"Regulus will show you to your room. Work starts tomorrow morning, eight o'clock sharp. You'll be going to the airport with Regulus." 

"Yes, sir." 

"Papa..." 

"Regulus. Lupin's room. Now." 

"Yes, father." 

He walked out the office door, Lupin in tow, all the way to the west wing of the house. Third floor, beautiful view outside. It was one of Regulus' favourite rooms, huge picture windows, laden with books on high shelves that covered one wall entirely. Regulus had wanted that room for himself as a kid, but according to his father, it was assigned to his assistant, no matter how short a period they spent at the house. One of his employment tricks, Regulus supposed. 

"Thank you", Lupin set down his suitcase beside the door, looking around himself. Regulus leaned on the door frame. 

"Like it?" 

"I– yeah, a lot", and he smiled for the first time now, a proper smile. His eyes creased a bit and dimples formed on his cheeks. 

"Good." 

"The airport?" he then asked, out of the blue: "Your father mentioned..." 

"Ah", Regulus nodded: "We have to pick up my brother – Sirius. Older brother." 

"Right... been on vacation?" 

"Year abroad. _Paris Sciences et Letters_." 

"Ah, right", Lupin nodded. Regulus straightened up, stepping outside. 

"See you then." 

"Yeah, see you. Thanks." 

And then he closed the door and returned to his father's study, where he was already back in front of his laptop, reading glasses up on his nose. He didn't look up when Regulus walked in. 

"He's young", Regulus said from the doorway. 

"Yes. And a man." 

"I noticed." 

Orion glanced up over his glasses. "You know why." 

"I know, I know. Is he– who is he?" _Is he anyone?_ he meant. 

"Management and leadership, Cardiff. Perfect resume, seems like a proper guy. Not too covetous." 

"Right." Sounded like just the type of person Orion would hire to take care of his personal stuff. Well-educated, modest, polite... But he was a _nobody_. Now in a high position in the Black family business. Well, rather him than any of the pushy girls. 

"Good night, Regulus", his father said absentmindedly, eyes back on the screen, focused. His skin was darker under his eyes than Regulus had noticed before, a tired look in his eyes, a permanent frown across his forehead. He wasn't young anymore, and Regulus knew it. 

"Good night." 

***

Remus looked around his new room. It had a high ceiling, huge picture windows overlooking the vast countryside, a king-size bed and a walk-in closer, which he knew was going to look desolate with the amount of clothes he owned – which was not many. He had gotten himself a few new suits, paid for by Mr Black, and he felt very grateful. Not many jobs offered the whole package: a roof above your head, food right in front of you with just a clap of your hands, new clothes, even a car for work purposes. And for what – taking care of some paperwork, organizing meetings, making sure Mr Black's suits are clean and ironed when he needs them to be? Easy. But that's what you should expect, being hired by a multi-millionaire businessman, Remus supposed. 

He was lucky. 

He set his alarm for seven in the morning; that would give him enough time to read for a bit, get ready for his first day at work, and figure out what the hell he should be wearing, going to pick up Mr Black's other son from the airport. _Sirius._ Sirius and Regulus and Orion. How bloody weird. 

His alarm went off far earlier than he'd liked. He pressed snooze, lay in bed for another nine minutes, then pulled the duvet off himself and stretched. It was a sunny day, which he supposed was okay. He preferred rain. Remus rolled over to grab his book from the bedside table. _The Remains of the Day_ , this week. He'd read it before, but that was ages ago – back when he had started at Cardiff. He sent a quick check-in text to his mother, told her to say hi to Lyall for him, and then spent the next twenty minutes reading. 

He had always been a reader. Before he learned how to read himself at the age of five, his mother had read for him. Every night, sometimes in the mornings or in the middle of the day. Lyall still joked about it, having to practically force the books out of Hope's hands. And then out of Remus's hands, years later. And Hope joked about how Lyall would always drag Remus into the woods for hikes and camping. And Remus was grateful for both of them for having brought these things into his life. It was quite the contrast, but he felt safest either with a book in hand or a backpack hoisted onto his shoulders, overlooking a spring or a flowing stream, surrounded by trees. 

His alarm went again, announcing that it was half seven now, and time to get moving. He marked the book carefully with his bookmark, slid it under his pillow and quickly made his bed, throwing the duvet and pillows onto it haphazardly. Then he stumbled into the bathroom (he would have never dared to dream of having an own bathroom, completely for himself) and brushed his teeth. He wasn't a breakfast person, and he could maybe get coffee at the airport–

* _KNOCK KNOCK_ *

Remus glanced at his phone. 7:33. He pulled a t-shirt on from where he'd unpacked them in one the drawers and then went to open the door. 

"Good morning, dear." A rather old-looking, tall woman stood there, grey hair up on a sleek bun. She smiled at him, then held out a small tray with two mugs and a teapot on it, as well as some toast. 

"Good morning", Remus said and gave her an uncertain smile. 

"I didn't know whether you preferred coffee or tea, so I brought both", she smiled, stepping further in and setting the tray on the dresser next to the door. "Remus Lupin, isn't it? Minerva McGonagall." She held her hand out and Remus shook it. 

"Pleasure to meet you", he hurried to say: "You are–?" 

"The housekeeper, dear", she nodded. She had very kind eyes, but Remus had a feeling she knew how to be strict when she needed to be. 

"Right", he nodded: "Thank you. So much." 

"Oh, no problem", she smiled again, that warm, motherly smile: "You better get some fuel inside you, I heard you've got a bit of a drive ahead of you." 

"Yes, thank you", he repeated, finally smiling himself. He liked her already. Minerva was already halfway through the door when Remus quickly added: "Coffee. I prefer coffee." 

Minerva flashed her a smile. "Good to know, dear." 

Remus picked up the tray as the door shut and walked over to his poorly made bed. He sat down and took a sip of the coffee – it was rich, only a little bit of milk, no sugar. Just how he liked it, though it did taste a bit bitter because of the toothpaste, but that was his own fault. He decided he might as well eat a bit too, and nibbled on a piece of toast until he really had to get going. He opted for a dark navy suit, though he felt stupid for wearing something so formal on just a regular day, especially because the weather forecast told him he had a warm day ahead of him. But this was his new normal now, he supposed. That's what you get for working at Black Industries. 

With caffeine in his system and his work attire on, he headed out the door and made his way over to Mr Black's office. Without getting lost. The day was off to a great start. The door to the office was slightly ajar, muffled sounds coming from inside. Remus wondered whether he should wait there or at least make himself acknowledged. Probably, it felt a bit rude to eavesdrop–

"I know, Poppy, but that's not– no, of course I know that! _I'm_ not being sensible? You're the one asking too much of me, I can't possibly– I've got a business to run! No, but I am your boss..." 

Remus knocked. Silence. 

"Hold on, Poppy, I will call you back later– no, that's not it, I've got work to do. Oh, for goodness– I'm hanging up now. Yes. Goodbye." 

Remus heard the sounds of the chair wheels brushing against the bare floor, then some echoing footsteps, and then the door opened all the way. Mr Black stood on the other side, black suit on, eyes tired but determined. "Good morning, Mr Lupin", he nodded: "Regulus should be here any minute now, you can wait for him there." He pointed towards the chair on the opposite wall. Remus nodded. 

"Yes, sir." 

Mr Black nodded again, the retreated back into his office, closing the door properly now. A few minutes passed and the muffled sounds began again, only this time Remus could hardly make out any words. He reached for his phone and scrolled through Instagram until Regulus arrived, eight o'clock sharp. 

"We should get going", he said from the doorway and Remus lifted his head, clicked his phone shut and shoved it in his suit pocket. Regulus was also wearing a suit, grey checkered. They walked to the parking lot, a dozen shining cars in a row, and sat down in a black Mercedes Benz – that's just about where Remus's car knowledge ended: he knew the brands. Well, most of them, anyway. 

Regulus drove, which Remus was thankful for. Along with his lack of knowledge of cars, he had no fucking idea how to drive in London. 

"So your family's Welsh?" Regulus asked as they pulled out of the driveway. He had one hand on the steering wheel, leaning on the open window, the other one casually tapping a rhythm on his thigh. Remus nodded. 

"My Dad's Welsh, yeah. Mom is from England." 

"Ah." 

"Your brother – Sirius – is he much older than you?" 

"No, only two years. He's 24." 

"Right." _So they were the same age, Sirius and Remus. Interesting._

"You?"

"Oh, I'm 24 too." 

Regulus didn't reply, just kept looking directly at the road before him. He had his sunglasses on, so Remus couldn't see his expression. He didn't seem too annoyed to have him tagging along. 

"Do you have siblings?" Regulus asked after a few quiet minutes. 

"No", Remus shook his head: "No, only child." 

"Lucky." 

Remus glanced at him. His expression was still unreadable, though he seemed to be clenching his jaw. Remus let out a small laugh. "Lucky? Quite the opposite, I think." 

"Trust me, you don't want a big brother. At least not one like Sirius." 

"Sorry?" 

"You'll see", Regulus finally glanced at him, a tight smile on his face: "He's a real pain in the ass." 

Remus laughed lightly. That was surely how all brothers felt about each other. He wouldn't know. 

"Excited about the job?" Regulus was now asking. Remus nodded. 

"Very. A bit nervous." He suddenly realized he was practically working for Regulus, too. And Sirius. Was it okay to be this... friendly? Surely. Regulus was the one making small talk, after all, and he didn't seem as uptight as Remus had first thought. He was okay. 

"Dad can be... demanding", Regulus cocked a meaningful eyebrow at him: "You'll get used to it." 

"Yeah." 

"I was actually a bit surprised", he continued, drumming the steering wheel with his finger: "About him hiring you." 

"Pardon?" 

"Well, you're a male." 

"I am." 

"Yeah. It's just, usually his assistants... aren't male." 

"Right..." 

"Sorry, didn't mean anything by it. Sirius is just... I think it's because of him that he hired you and not some girl." 

"Oh." Well, there goes his sense of accomplishment. 

"Not just that!" Regulus hurried to say, then flashed him an actual smile. The first one of those. "He did tell me you had the perfect resume and all."

Remus smiled back, though a bit more composedly. That made him feel proud. He _had_ been studying and working hard to get to where he was now. "Are you close with your father?" he asked. 

"Difficult question", Regulus shifted in his seat: "I'd say so. He doesn't really keep people close, unless it has something to do with business. You know, unless it benefits him somehow. But I'd say we're quite close... closer than him and Sirius, at least." 

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's really none of my business." 

"Don't worry", Regulus was staring ahead at the road again. They didn't talk for the rest of the car journey. Remus didn't mind – he was busy watching the changing scenery and trying to memorize the route. 

They arrived at Heathrow airport a bit after nine in the morning – London traffic was quite bad, Remus got to experience first-hand. They waited inside the airport, as close to the arrival gate as they could without being ushered away by security. Regulus sat down, Remus leaned onto the wall. They must have looked stupid. Two barely twenty-year-old boys, loitering inside the airport in their fancy suits. They got a few looks, but that's all. 

Finally, after nearly an hour's wait, Regulus's phone beeped. "Sirius says he's here now", he said and stood up, looking for his brother in the crowd of people coming through the gates. A moment later, he seemed to straighten up a little. "There he is", he said, nodding towards the sea of travellers. Remus turned to look, too, and it took him a little while longer to spot Sirius, probably because he had no idea who he was even looking for. But when he did spot him, it became obvious. He had expected a slightly older, maybe taller version of Regulus. And that's essentially what Sirius was, but he wasn't wearing a suit or anything else that hinted that he was the son of a millionaire. He was wearing a pair of ripped black jeans, a white t-shirt, low ankle boots and a black leather jacket. His sunglasses were hanging off the neckline of his shirt and his long, perfectly black hair was pulled up on a messy bun. There was a casual sort of spring to his step. 

He was – normal. Normal and at the same time the most ethereal man Remus had ever seen. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius's first day back in London isn't off to a great start. Remus's job description mentioned nothing about him having to solve brotherly feuds, but here we are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mention of cancer

Sirius woke up on the plane to the sound of people clapping. He groaned inwardly – people _still_ did that? He straightened up, put his leather jacket on and pulled his hair into a bun. A good ten minutes later and he was striding along the tunnel, about to enter Heathrow Airport. It all felt very real all of a sudden. He was back in London. The year he had spent in France suddenly felt like a few weeks. 

He waited in line to get through luggage reclaim and the gates. And then there he was, inside the public space of the airport, surrounded by tax-free shops and over-expensive airport cafes. He pulled out his phone and texted Regulus. A very brief message: ' _Here now._ ' Regulus didn't respond, but then, he never really did unless it was a question or something important. Which this probably wasn't. He sent another message, this time to James: ' _Back in the Kingdom babyyy!_ ' James replied immediately: ' _YES. It's been a shithole without you_ '. Sirius grinned. 

He pushed through the crowd, clutching onto his luggage, and then he spotted him. Them. Regulus and some young, tall boy dressed in a navy suit, soft light brown curls framing his face. Regulus spotted Sirius too and stood up, and then they both watched him approach, the stranger looking a bit uncomfortable. Sirius had no idea why he was there. 

When he finally reached them, he didn't know what to do with himself. Would it be too awkward if he hugged Regulus? Probably. They never hugged. He settled on pulling him into a brotherly half-hug-half-pat-on-the-back embrace. "Reggie", he couldn't help but smile a little. He was Sirius' little brother, for fuck's sake. He was allowed to be happy to see him, even if he didn't want to show it too much. 

"Sirius", Regulus looked like he was biting back a smile, too: "Good flight?" 

"Tremendous", Sirius replied halfheartedly, eyes flicking to the boy standing a few steps back, wrangling his hands nervously. "And you are...?" 

"Remus Lupin", the boy reached a hand forward, and Sirius grabbed it. 

"Sirius Black." He gave a quick smile, then turned to raise his brows at Regulus. 

"Dad's new personal assistant", Regulus explained, and they shared a knowing look. Orion was known to not be very patient with his assistants. They changed often. 

"Right", Sirius turned back to Remus and gave him a smile that he hoped was welcoming and didn't scream _you're-probably-going-to-get-fired-sooner-than-you-think-even-if-you-don't-do-anything-wrong_. They started walking back through the airport and towards the parking lot. "What happened to that Vanity girl?" Sirius asked, suddenly. Emma Vanity had been Orion's latest assistant. 

"Got fired. And Lovegood. That's why we've got Remus here." 

"Lovegood?" Sirius frowned: "Who the fuck is Lovegood?" 

Regulus raised him an eyebrow, as if chastising him for swearing in public. Good old Regulus, always so _fucking_ immaculate. "You don't want to know", he said. 

"Ah." So Emma Vanity had _not_ been Orion's latest assistant. Sirius couldn't keep up with them anyway, let alone when he had just spent a year abroad with minimal contact to his family. 

They drove back to the house in the black Mercedes – one of Sirius' favourites of his father's cars.Though after seeing that gorgeous motorbike in Paris, he'd swap any car for one of those in the blink of an eye. Regulus drove, Sirius was in the passenger's seat and Remus sat at the back, quietly, watching the changing scenery through the window. Sirius and Regulus chatted easily about his year in Paris, what he had gotten up to (well, not _everything_ he'd gotten up to) and what Regulus had gotten up to (work, boring). It wasn't as bad as Sirius had thought, being reunited with his brother after such a long period of time. It was quite nice, actually. 

They arrived at the house an hour later, and Sirius held onto his bags like dear life as they made their way through the front yard and inside the house. It was warm outside, but inside it was cool and... Sirius didn't know. It felt weird to be back. 

"Father's waiting for you in his study." 

"I'll go take a shower", Sirius sent him a stern look. 

"Sirius." 

"I don't want to–" 

" _Sirius_." 

Sirius looked at Regulus. Regulus was looking at Remus, and Sirius glanced at him, too. He swallowed. "Okay." And then all three of them walked up the stairs, Remus dragging slightly behind. Sirius tried to keep his composure, if only to not give a bad impression of himself. Remus didn't show any signs of... anything. He was politely quiet, like he knew not to get involved. Sirius appreciated that. 

The memories hit him right in the face as he turned the corner and saw the door to his father's study. He froze. His throat felt tight and his hands started shaking so bad he had to drop his bags. Then he took a deep breath, rolled his shoulders and stepped forward. He forced his hands to stay still and put on his most unreadable expression, one which he had mastered at a young age. He took another step forward and knocked. 

"Come in", Orion Black's stern voice came from inside. Sirius grabbed the doorknob and opened the door. He stepped in, chin held high, and nodded. 

"Father." 

"Sirius." 

"You wanted to– you wanted to see me?" 

"Yes. There is a matter which we shall discuss."

"A matter?" 

"The future of the company." 

Sirius sighed, letting his shoulder slump a bit. He strode forward and slung himself onto the cushioned chair in front of Orion's desk. " _Oui_?" he cocked an eyebrow, unbothered. He should have expected this. No 'hello', no 'welcome back'. Just business, business, business. Money, money, money... 

"You're going to start preparing for the day when it's my time to step down. As we have discussed _many times before_." 

"What if I don't want to–" 

"I'm not asking you a question, Sirius, I'm telling–" 

"You can't force me–" 

"THIS IS A FAMILY BUSINESS!" Orion shouted, then glanced at Remus and cleared his throat. He continued with a calmer, colder voice: "My father was in charge before me, and his father before him. And for that reason, you shall be next." 

"What about Regulus?" Sirius gestured at his brother: "He wants it more than I do." 

"We've discussed this. It has to go like this, you're my oldest son and it's tradition that–"

"It's the 21st century!" Sirius threw his hands up. 

"Stop interrupting me!" Orion banged his fist on the table. Another glance at Remus, and he was calmer again: "Eight o'clock tomorrow morning. I've got a meeting with Lucius Malfoy, you'll be joining me." 

"But–"

"No buts. You've done nothing for a year, it's time you started acting like the adult you are."

Sirius stood up. "Fine." He was already at the door when he suddenly turned around. "Where's mother?" 

Regulus stiffened. He stared at Sirius, a look of panic on his face, mixed with... guilt? Sirius cocked him an eyebrow and turned back to his father. "Well?" 

"She's..." Orion started, then cleared his throat: "Walburga is in the hospital." 

"She's _what_?" Sirius's voice came out choked. Orion's phone rang and he answered immediately, then stood up and silently hushed the boys out of the office and closed the door right in front of their faces. Sirius turned to Regulus, who looked a bit grey. "Mom's in the hospital?" 

Regulus swallowed, then nodded. 

"What's it... what happened?" Sirius asked, though he didn't want to hear the answer. 

"Cancer." 

Sirius fell back onto the armchair outside Orion's office. He felt dizzy. "C-cancer?" 

Regulus just nodded again. 

"How long?" 

Regulus sighed. He seemed to dread answering the question. "Six months", he whispered. Sirius was up on his feet in an instant. 

"SIX MONTHS?" he shouted: "Six months and you haven't _told_ me?!" 

"Well, you weren't exactly keeping in touch", Regulus sounded a bit cold. Sirius scoffed. 

"Doesn't mean I wouldn't have wanted to..." his voice broke: "You should have told me." 

"You ran off! I didn't think you _cared_!" 

"I didn't run off!" he shouted: "I went to study abroad!" 

"Against their will!" Regulus was shouting, too. 

"She's _my_ mother, too!" Sirius cried out: "I deserve to know these things, too, no matter where in the world I am! She's my _mother_!" 

Regulus just stared at him, his eyes a bit red around the edges. Sirius stared back, the tears stinging behind his eyes and burning his throat. He didn't know what to say, and apparently neither did Regulus. It hurt. 

***

Remus felt like he was invading a very personal discussion between the two brothers, one that he had no right to be listening to. He didn't know these people, and even if they were too caught in the moment to remember his presence, he felt guilty for standing there. He cleared his throat, very quietly, and both of them turned to look. "I'll go", he nodded towards the corridor and took a step back. 

"No", Sirius said, sternly. He blinked a bit, as if surprised by himself, and then shook his head: "I mean, yeah– but I'll go too." He glanced at his brother and then stormed off. Remus looked at Regulus, helplessly, and Regulus did the same. 

"See? A right pain in the ass", he snorted humourlessly and crashed down onto the armchair, leaning his chin onto his hands. 

Remus bit his lip. He didn't think that was fair – Sirius was clearly hurting, and rightly so. Remus would have been furious if he'd been kept oblivious about something as severe as this. And he couldn't not say it to Regulus. Aware that his job at Black Industries might come to a very short end, he opened his mouth: "I think... I think Sirius has a point. He ought to have been told, even if he wasn't here at the time." 

"You don't know anything about his relationship with my mother", Regulus mumbled, glancing at Remus from below his eyebrows. 

"No, I don't. You're right", Remus swallowed: "But I'd be angry too, if it was my mother. And I think you would be, too." 

Regulus didn't reply. Remus cleared his throat again, but didn't say anything. He waited for Regulus to speak. And he did: "I wanted to tell him." He fiddled with the silver ring on his finger, not looking up at Remus as he spoke in a quiet voice: "I really did, I nearly called him on the spot, I– I didn't really have anyone to speak to it about, other than him. But..." He trailed off, stroking his ring. It was a steel one, engraved with a snake-like pattern. 

"Why didn't you?" Remus whispered, too, though he wasn't sure why: "Why didn't you call him?" 

"I–" Regulus swallowed again, then looked up with a grim expression: "My father told me not to. He said Sirius didn't... that he didn't deserve to know." 

Remus nodded slowly. That sounded horrible, but he didn't say it out loud. He wasn't in the position to make comments about other people's fathers, especially if he was _working_ for the father in question. And definitely not on his first day. "Right", he said then, biting his lip: "Could you tell Sirius that? That you wanted to tell him, that you were _so close_ to telling him?" 

"What does that help?" Regulus muttered, pressing his fingers over his eyes: "He'd still be mad at me. Furious." 

"It might mean something to him", Remus shrugged. He really hoped he wasn't crossing a line. He probably was. "You know, knowing that you thought about him, wanted to tell him... it might mean something to him." 

Regulus swallowed, then looked up at him. Remus expected him to be angry. Expected him to tell him to fuck off or go and tell Mr Black to give him the boot right then and there. But he didn't. Regulus swallowed again, then nodded and bit his lip thoughtfully. "You might be right", he sighed: "But I'll... I don't think he wants to talk to me right now. He's too stubborn." 

"I wouldn't know", Remus gave a small shrug and a smile. 

"No, you wouldn't..." Regulus smiled too, a very tight, faint smile: "He might listen to you, though." 

"Huh?" _Oh no_. This isn't at all what Remus had intended... 

"Would you talk to him?" Regulus asked, eyes nervous and pleading: "He might listen to you, or at least he won't _shout_ at you..." 

"I really don't know him. Or anything about him." 

"Yeah, but that's why he might listen to you. He might take it better coming from someone he doesn't know, someone who hasn't..." Regulus took a deep breath: "Someone who hasn't let him down." 

"I don't think–" 

"Please", Regulus said, and Remus saw the sadness in his eyes. Remus realized that no matter what Regulus said or how he acted, he loved his brother. Looked up to him, even. Remus nodded. 

"Okay. I'll talk to him." 

He made to leave, until he realized he had no idea where he was supposed to go. He'd only been at the office and the lobby so far, and the west wing, where his room was located. He turned back around and opened his mouth to ask. 

"Basement", Regulus said before Remus could get the word out of his mouth. 

"Right." 

"Down the stairs and to the left, then through the door and down again." 

"Thanks." 

He left Regulus there and made his way through the marble staircase, then turned left like Regulus had instructed and knocked on the dark wooden door in front of him. He thought he heard a muffled 'come in', so he pushed the door open and was met with another staircase, a much narrower one this time. There was another door at the bottom of it, but it was already ajar. Remus pushed it open carefully and stepped in. 

Sirius' room was... big. The whole basement, pretty much – there were windows on one wall, near the ceiling, letting natural light into the room. The room was divided in the middle with bookshelves the same height as the room. Remus liked this room more than he did his own – Sirius's room was cozier, more homely. There were a few posters on the walls, of some bands, and it was much less glorious than the rest of the house. That's probably why Remus felt a lot more confident all of a sudden, now that he wasn't surrounded by high ceilings, chandeliers and cold surfaces. Sirius was sitting at the other end of the room on a double bed (one of those four-poster ones), staring down at his hands on his lap. 

"Hey", Remus said, taking just one step closer. He wanted to be careful and not invade Sirius' personal space, in case he didn't want Remus there. Which would be completely understandable. He was a stranger. It all suddenly seemed a very poor idea to Remus, simply walking into Sirius' room like this. 

"Oh", Sirius lifted his gaze and their eyes met. 

"Hey, um– your brother asked me to... talk to you."

"He did?" Sirius crossed his arms: "Tell him he's a coward and if he wants to have it out on me he should do it _himself_. I don't want to hear about how _stubborn_ and _reckless_ I am, you can–" 

"I actually don't think you're being stubborn", Remus said: "I think you're rightfully angry. And I told him that." 

"Regulus?" Sirius frowned: "And you've still got your job?" 

"I don't think _he'd_ be able to fire me", Remus smiled faintly: "We'll see once your father hears." 

Sirius gave him a funny look. It was almost like a smile, but there was something else to it, too. He looked a bit reserved. Again, rightfully so. 

"Well, what did he say?" 

"I think he listened to me... a bit, at least. He–" Remus swallowed and took another step forward: "He told me he had wanted to tell you. About your... um– your mother– look, I really don't know why he sent me, I'm not the person you want to talk to about this–" Remus backed out a bit, but Sirius reached his hand forward. 

"No, no", he said quickly: "Please. I want to know. What did he say?" 

Remus sighed. "He said he nearly called you when he heard about your mother– are you sure? Okay. He nearly called you but your father told him not to." 

Sirius stiffened visibly, clenching his fists so that his knuckles turned white. "Of course he fucking did. And Regulus obeyed him because that's the only thing he knows how to do." 

"I don't think you should blame him for this", Remus bit his lip: "But I wouldn't know." 

"I bet you heard about this before I did", Sirius smiled humourlessly. 

"Trust me, I didn't", Remus hurried to say, the smirked slightly: "Though I did only arrive yesterday, so..." 

Sirius groaned, but he smiled. At least he smiled. Remus felt a bit better. "I'm honestly probably the last person you want to talk to, practically a stranger, but you know... I'm here and I'm a pretty good listener. Or so I've heard. If I'm not fired by tomorrow morning." 

"You should probably know that my Dad has a short temper and he really _can_ just fire you like that", Sirius said out of the blue, the humourless smile back on his face: "But if it makes you feel any better, I already like you more than any of his previous slaves." 

"Slaves?" Remus laughed: "I wouldn't call it slavery... pays quite well. You've got a nice house, too. I don't mind too much." 

"Just you wait", Sirius smirked: "And Regulus... well, he's a pain in the ass sometimes. Most times. But I still love him." 

"Funny", Remus smiled, "he said the exact same thing about you." 

"That he loves me?" 

"That you're a real pain in the ass", Remus grinned. Sirius snorted. 

"Well?" he spread his arms wide: "Am I living up to the expectations?"

"Oh, definitely", Remus smirked. Sirius laughed, shaking his head. 

"Sorry. You probably think I'm a selfish twat." 

"No, I think you're normal." Remus felt a sense of relief flush over him when he saw Sirius smile at his words. A genuine, slightly surprised smile. "I think I better get back upstairs", he jerked his head in the direction of the door: "You know. Work and all that." 

"Oh, of course", Sirius nodded, and Remus thought he saw a flash of disappointment on his face. He probably just imagined it. "Thanks." 

"Don't know if I was much help", Remus smiled, shrugging. 

Sirius returned the smile. "I feel a bit better, so I think you were." 

Remus flashed him one last smile and then turned for the door. He closed it behind himself and jumped up the first set of stairs. The rest of the way up into the office he walked in a composedly slow pace, but on the inside he was sparking. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is reunited with James and Remus is reunited with one of his childhood friends. Minnie is a queen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: alcohol, mention of a family member's illness

It felt weird to wake up at home, in his own bed, his own room, which he had had since he was seven years old. His beloved basement. He remembered fighting over it with Regulus, but Sirius had eventually lucked out and gotten it to himself – older brother privilege. Well, that had ended shortly after that. Privilege had turned into responsibility. 

Sirius stretched out on his bed and rolled onto his stomach. He'd miss the lie-ins he'd gotten so used to in France. He reached for his phone and unplugged it from the charger. He had a new follow request on Instagram – _remus.lupinus_. Sirius snorted. He hit 'accept' and sent a request back. Remus' profile picture was of him with a book in hand, sitting on the edge of some cliff and laughing. Sirius smiled. '24' was all his bio read. 

There was a message from James just then. Sirius clicked the small banner and opened their Whatsapp text thread. 

**James** : Leaky Pint tonight? Would be great to catch up. Miss you

**Sirius** : Can't. Full-time businessman now. Miss you too. 

**James** : Bummer. How's home? 

**Sirius** : Sucks, as always. Will try to sneak out on Friday. 

**James** : WHOO! The usual spot. I'll bring Lils

**Sirius** : Of course. 

**James** : You can bring someone too, you know... *wink*

**Sirius** : You're lame. No. 

Sirius yawned and threw his phone next to him on the bed, then detangled himself from the sheets and got up to use the bathroom. When he got back, there was a new notification on his phone. 'Remus Lupin (@ _remus.lupinus)_ accepted your follow request.' Sirius fought the urge to go and look through his feed immediately. He didn't want to be creepy, and he was already running late for work anyway. He got himself into a suit – hadn't worn one of those for a year – and made sure his phone was on silent before sliding it into his pocket. Lupinus would have to wait. 

"Good, you're here", was Orion Black's way of wishing good morning to his son. 

"You told me to be", Sirius grumbled in response. Orion ignored that. There was a sharp knock on the door, and Orion stood up briskly and strode to open it. A tall man with long blonde hair stood outside, his signature haughty smile on his face – Lucius Malfoy. Sirius had never liked him, but most of the businessmen he had met were just like that – proud, snobby, miserly. Like his father. 

"Lucius", Orion shook his hand and gestured him further in: "Come in, take a seat..." 

"Orion", Lucius Malfoy nodded and then his eyes fell on Sirius: "And the eldest son... Sirius, is that correct?" 

"Yes", Sirius said tonelessly: "Pleasure." 

"Hm", Malfoy tilted his head, forcing a not-so-pleasant smile on his face. He swept past Sirius and sat down opposite to Orion at his desk. Sirius took the seat next to his father and leaned back onto the back rest, legs spread straight out. Orion gave him a sharp look but didn't say anything. 

The meeting was extremely boring, as expected. Sirius trailed off, only giving the occasional nod or halfhearted comment like 'interesting' or 'quite'. It seemed to keep his father content enough. Finally, after two hours of the nonsense, Lucius Malfoy was out of the building and Sirius could loosen his tie a bit. Orion shooed him off after saying Sirius could have at least tried to show some interest, but Sirius was nothing short of happy to have it over with. He padded back to the basement, yawning the whole way, and crashed onto his bed after getting rid of his suit jacket. There was a sharp knock on the door, one that Sirius recognized immediately. He grinned to himself and strode to open it. 

"Minnie", he laughed as the elderly lady pulled him in for a hug. 

"I'm quite disappointed!" she said mock sternly, giving him a smile as she pulled back to look at him properly: "I expected you to find me immediately after you got back!" 

" _Je suis désolé_ , Minnie dear", he kissed her cheek: "I missed you the most." 

"Oh, I would bloody hope so!" she raised her brows at him, a smile taking over her face. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and suddenly her expression was concerned. "How are you, my dear? I know you got some quite tragic news yesterday... I'm terribly sorry that you weren't informed earlier, I told your father he was being silly, but you know how stubborn he is..." 

"I know", Sirius sighed: "It's not your fault, I didn't expect... Regulus should have told me if anyone, but I guess I know _now_ , so." 

"Don't give him a hard time about it", she gave a sympathetic tut and pulled him in for another hug. Sirius liked Minerva's hugs. She hugged tightly but you could never escape the feeling of pure love that she radiated. She was like a second mother to him. Sometimes it even felt like she was his only mother. 

"Have you already met that Lupin boy?" she asked, hands on Sirius's shoulders, and raised her eyebrows at him: "Your father's new assistant. He seemed very sweet." 

"Oh, I met him", Sirius laughed faintly: "An hour back in this building and I already gave him a reason to hate me." 

"Hate you?" Minerva frowned. 

"He practically had to settle me and Regulus's fight", Sirius snorted: "He was pretty good at it, though. Better than... mother." 

"Oh, Sirius", Minerva squeezed his arm gently: "I'm sure Remus would never think badly of you for having a fight with your brother – especially knowing the reason." 

"No, I know", Sirius smiled. He took a deep breath, then: "Have you seen her? In the hospital?" 

"Yes", Minerva nodded, her expression a mix of sadness and sympathy: "I go every week, sometimes more often, if your father is too busy to..." She didn't finish the sentence. Sirius felt a bubble of rage inside of him. 

"That's not something you don't just have time for", he grumbled: "He bloody well has time, I know he does!" 

"Yes, Sirius, but you have to understand... It really pains him to see her like that, obviously, and he does try to go and see her but... I don't think he can", she blinked slowly, her eyes a little teary: "So he buries himself in work instead. He tries to push the pain away." 

"Well, he's bloody good at that", Sirius mumbled, crossing his arms: "Pushing things away." 

Minerva squeezed his arms again, this time leaving her hand there and smoothing his shirt with her hand. Sirius could have cried. He had missed Minerva so much. He hadn't lied when he said he had missed her the most. "Would you come with me next time, dear?" she asked quietly, giving him a reassuring smile: "I'm sure your mother would love to see you. It's been so long." 

"I–" Sirius' words got stuck in his throat. His eyes were stinging and he nodded. "Yes", he managed to choke out. 

"Okay, darling", Minerva smiled: "I'll let you know when... how does Sunday sound?" 

Sirius nodded again. "Perfect." 

After Minerva left, he let the tears come. Not that he couldn't cry in front of her – he had many times, as a child and a few times after that, too. She was the only person he had ever cried in front of. Well, and James, but James was different. James was his best friend, but Minerva was... special. Kind. Motherly. She never judged him for anything, but was ready to tell him off if he did something bad. She was what Sirius thought a mother should be like. 

***

They had dinner that night, everyone together. Remus felt like he was invading a family affair. Minerva wasn't related to them, he knew that, but she was practically a family member. Remus could see it in the way that both Regulus and Sirius looked at her – with love. Remus felt a bit homesick thinking about that. He'd call his parents after dinner. 

He wore a pair of light brown trousers and a white button-up; nothing too formal. Brown leatherette shoes and his watch. No tie. He made his way slowly to the dining hall – high ceiling, mahogany chandelier, long dining table, plain cream walls. Just like the rest of the house. Except Sirius' room. The others were already sitting there, at one end of the table. It could fit at least a dozen more people. But tonight there were only five – Minerva, Orion, Regulus and Sirius. And Remus. 

He greeted them as he stepped into the room, and Minerva immediately got up to go and get the foods. Sirius offered to help her, but she ushered him back down and pointed at a chair for Remus to sit on. Next to Sirius. 

"Hey, Remus Lupinus", he mumbled from the corner of his mouth as Remus sat down. Remus snorted. 

"Oh, that", he smiled at him: "Just an inside joke with my friend Lily." 

"That's funny, my best friend's girlfriend's name is Lily, too", Sirius replied, then turned back to the table when Minerva arrived with a huge tray of pots and dishes. "Looks delicious, Minnie", Sirius grinned angelically. Minerva smiled and patted his shoulder. 

"You're too good for me", she smiled: "Alright, _boys_ , dig in!" 

"No one's too good for you", Sirius mumbled, mouth already full of roast potatoes. Minerva huffed a laugh and gently hit him with the tea towel she had hoisted over her shoulder. 

"If I didn't know better I'd think you were flirting with me", she shook her head. Remus laughed. He could definitely see the bond Minerva and Sirius shared, like they were a really close mother and son. Regulus eyed them quietly, and Remus felt a ting of compassion towards him. Had Regulus been close with his actual mother? Did he go see her in the hospital? Remus would never dare to ask. 

Dinner was good. Heavenly. No wonder Sirius loved Minerva so much. Remus could have gone for thirds if he hadn't thought it to be a bit rude. They had dessert, too – a delicious chocolate cake. Remus would have to ask for the recipe.

They asked Remus quite a load of questions. Well, Sirius, Regulus and Minerva did, not Orion. He seemed to only be able to talk business and money and stock exchange. Remus was happy to answer, but he didn't get too personal about it. He was working for them, he wasn't just a random friend over for dinner and a pleasant chat. Though the three of them nearly made him feel like it. He had to glance at Orion every once in a while to remind himself that he was nothing but an employee. Having dinner with them, sleeping in their house, giving family relationship advice. Just an assistant. 

Remus helped Minerva clean the table afterwards, which she thanked him deeply for. They did the dishes together ("We have a dishwasher but I just prefer to do it by hand", she smiled. Remus's mother was the same), Minerva rinsed the plates and cutlery and handed them for Remus to dry. It was nice and reminded him of home. He told Minerva that.

"Oh, sweetheart", she lay a hand on his shoulder: "You'll get used to it eventually, living in a new home. I'm sure it feels weird, though – maybe your family could come here for Christmas? You could ask Orion." Remus smiled back, but he didn't think he would ask for that. He needed the job more than anything right now. 

After doing the dishes Remus headed back through the dining room and to his surprise, found Sirius still sitting there. He was scrolling through his phone, and raised his head when Remus stepped into view. 

"Hey", Sirius smiled and stood up. 

"Hey", Remus replied warily: "I remember my room if that's what you're worried about." 

"Oh", Sirius laughed, a gleeful, contagious laugh: "No, no... I wanted to ask you out with me." 

Remus stopped in his tracks. "Out?" he repeated. 

"Oh, no, not like that!" Sirius hurried to say, blushing a little: "No, I didn't mean... I'm just going out for a pint with a friend and his girlfriend, I thought maybe you'd want to join. It's not a... I'm not– not as a date. I'm not, you know, gay." 

"No, I didn't mean to assume anything", Remus said hurriedly: "Um, I don't know if I should, though. I don't think your father would appreciate it." 

"This isn't a prison", Sirius smiled: "Just tell him you're going out with me– actually, you probably shouldn't tell him you're going out with _me_... just say you're going to the movies with a friend or something. Really, he's not going to keep you locked between four walls, he's not _that_ horrible." Sirius scratched his arm nervously. Remus nodded slowly. 

"I– okay, if it's fine with you..." 

"I asked, didn't I?" Sirius smiled. 

"Yeah– no, yeah. I'd like that, I don't really know anyone around here, so." 

"You'll love James and Lily", Sirius grinned: "And really, it's just a few pints at this local place, don't worry about my father." 

Remus nodded again, smiling. He felt a bit nervous about meeting Sirius' friends, though. James and Lily... weird. _James and Lily_. It couldn't be, surely not... It's a small world, but not _that_ small.

"Friday, then?" Sirius was asking now. They were walking towards the west wing where Remus's room was located. "Six o'clock, if that's okay?" 

"Sounds good", Remus smiled: "Yeah, perfect. Um– what should I wear?" 

"Not that, at least", Sirius nodded at his fancy trousers and shoes: "Something casual, you know, what you'd wear to a bar back home." 

"Right", Remus nodded. He felt stupid for asking – London bars couldn't be that different to those in Cardiff. "Friday at six, then." 

Sirius grinned. 

***

The rest of the week went by fairly smoothly, in Remus's opinion. He accompanied Mr Black in some meetings, made notes about numbers and dates and places on his laptop and ran some errands for him in central London – he had Regulus with him for that, thank goodness, since he still wasn't too comfortable driving in such heavy traffic. He did okay, though, which he was secretly very proud of. Finally, as it neared six in the evening on Friday, there was a knock on his door. He went to open and found Sirius standing there, clad in the same leather jacket he'd worn that day at the airport, paired with some white boots and black jeans and some sort of band t-shirt. He looked _cool_. Remus felt a little stupid in his dark green turtleneck jumper and light-washed straight leg jeans, but Sirius eyed him with the same expression Remus eyed Sirius with – almost in awe. 

"Didn't know you were so stylish", Sirius raised an eyebrow, smiling. Remus snorted. 

"This is hardly suitable for a pub", he laughed awkwardly. 

"I think you look great", Sirius said, then continued like he had said nothing at all: "Shall we go?" 

Remus nodded, pulled on his white high-top Converse and grabbed his phone from his bed. "All ready", he smiled. 

They took a cab ("What, Lupinus, think either of us will be able to _drive_ back?") and soon enough found themselves in front of a small pub somewhere in central London. 'The Leaky Pint'. Remus smiled. What a weird name. The whole situation was weird, really. He was out with his boss's son, somewhere in London, on a Friday night. Wearing a bloody jumper. 

"Look, there they are!" Sirius tapped his shoulder, then waved at the two people approaching. A young man with round glasses and messy black hair and a girl behind her, that Remus couldn't quite see properly against the rays of the setting sun. 

"Sirius!" the boy boomed, grabbing him into a bear hug. Sirius laughed. 

"Remus, this is James, and his girlfriend–" 

"Lily", Remus gasped, eyes widening in shock. There she was, red hair and all. She looked just as shocked. 

"Re!" she flung forward and threw her arms around his neck: "Oh my god! What are you doing here?!" 

Remus hugged her back, closing his eyes. He couldn't believe it... Lily was there. Lily was _there_. "W-what are you doing here?" he repeated her question, aware that he himself hadn't even answered yet. 

"I moved here last spring, I live with James", she finally let him go and gestured at the black-haired boy, who was staring back dumbfounded. Sirius's expression was completely identical to his. 

"You guys... you know each other?" Sirius managed to ask. Lily gave Sirius a hug too, but he was still too surprised to really react to it. He just patted her back absently, eyes still on Remus. Lily laughed. 

"Childhood best friends", she beamed, then winked: "Secondary school sweethearts." 

"You _what_?!" James looked completely shocked. He didn't look like he felt threatened, more like he was amazed. 

"Oh!" Sirius suddenly slapped his forehead with his hand: "Oh! _Remus Lupinus, Lilium Evans_ , of course! Your usernames – the inside joke, right, Remus?!" He looked almost excited. 

"Yep", Remus nodded, grinning at Lily: "The flowers." 

"So that's where it comes from!" James threw his hands in the air: "Lily never told me the specifics." 

"Ha", Sirius poked his tongue out, then suddenly went quiet and glanced at Lily, then Remus, then back at James: "This isn't going to be awkward, is it?" 

"Oh, no", Lily hurried to say, laughing. She raised her eyebrows at Remus, very inconspicuously, and Remus shook his head, hoping that the others didn't notice. If they did, they didn't let it show. Lily gave a slight nod back, then turned to Sirius: "We broke up in good terms, nothing to worry about." She then took a step closer to James and kissed his cheek: "And nothing for you to worry about, either, it was ages ago and we really don't miss it, do we, Remus?" She gave him a sly smile. 

"No, we don't", Remus laughed. 

"Right, then", Sirius clapped his hands, still staring at Remus and Lily in amazement: "Shall we get inside?" 

Remus's night became ten times more fun because of Lily – not that he wouldn't have enjoyed just Sirius and James's company. His shyness just tended to take over when he was surrounded with unfamiliar people, and especially in unfamiliar territory, so having someone he knew – _really_ knew – there was like a lifeline to him. He felt he could properly relax for the first time in weeks with Lily by his side, her familiar smell, the laugh he had missed so much, just everything about her. 

The first half an hour was spent catching up: Sirius and James were talking animatedly on one side of the booth, no doubt gushing about Sirius's year abroad, while Remus and Lily were absorbed in a conversation of their own, talking about anything and everything that had happened since they'd last seen each other. 

"So, you two", James turned to them after a while, having just recovered from a fit of laughter at something crazy Sirius had done at Paris: "When did you first meet?" 

"Oh, god", Remus laughed, glancing at Lily: "We were like, five, probably. Six?" 

James nodded. "Where? How?" 

"Jealous much?" Lily poked her tongue out at him. James made a face in return, but Remus knew from his expression that it didn't bother him. He seemed genuinely interested. "Anyway, I think it was at the playground of our primary school – love at first sight, obviously", she winked at Remus. 

"Obviously", Remus grinned. Sirius gave him a funny look. 

"And then you started dating...?" Sirius raised his eyebrows and poked James in the ribs: "Cover your ears if this is a sensitive subject to you, lover boy." 

"Oh, ha ha", James rolled his eyes, then turned to look at Lily and Remus eagerly, leaning his chin on his hands: "Well? I actually wanna hear this story." 

"Well..." Lily took a sip of her beer. They were on their second round, and Remus could already feel it in his head. He felt lighter than usual, and everything seemed just a tad more funny. "We were... sixteen, I wanna say? Remus?" 

"Yeah, think so", Remus nodded. 

"Yeah. We dated until we were eighteen, and then–" Lily snapped her mouth shut, glanced at Remus, then at her pint, and put on a smile: "We decided it wouldn't work out. Not forever, at least, and we were better off as just friends." 

"Just like that?" James frowned. 

"Pretty much", Remus smiled, fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt. 

"And when's the last time you two saw each other?" Sirius stepped in, smiling. Remus was thankful for that. 

"Two years ago, we met up at Brighton", Lily smiled at the memory: "It was a bloody good summer, I think we were all happy to get a break from university – some of our old school friends joined us, it was really nice." 

"It really was", Remus was suddenly flooded with memories from that summer. The seaside, the little beach shops, walking around in the sunshine, strolling along Brighton Pier. It was the summer Remus had come out to his parents. Lily had known before them, of course, Remus and her were practically glued together before they got into different colleges and Lily moved away from Cardiff. Remus remembered both of them crying, and he still wasn't sure whether they had been sad or happy tears. Maybe both. They had promised to keep in touch, never lose their connection. And they had kept in touch. They had never lost their connection, although they hadn't talked too much lately. Remus had a feeling that was going to change, now that he knew James and Sirius were best friends, and he was perfectly happy with that. He had missed her. 

"What about you, then?" he turned to Sirius and James: "What's your story?" 

The two boys glanced at each other and simultaneously put a hand on each other's thigh. "Love at first sight, just like you", James sighed, leaning his head onto Sirius's shoulder. 

"Yeah, we were practically inseparable", Sirius smiled fondly, then slapped James in the back of the head: "Until this one decided to go and fall in love with ginger over here." Lily opened her mouth in disbelief, and all three of the boys burst out laughing. Lily shook her head but laughed, too. 

"How could I not?" James gave her a sweet smile: "Besides, I'm pretty sure _you_ were the one who just got a one-way ticket to France one day." He cocked an eyebrow at Sirius. 

"Couldn't take it anymore", Sirius mumbled: "You know my parent's, eh?" He attempted a smile. 

"I know", James nodded, patting him on the shoulder: "How are they, anyway?" 

Sirius stiffened. Remus turned to look at him and caught his eyes. Sirius gave him the slightest shake of his head and turned to smile at James: "Let's not talk about them right now." He cleared his throat and downed the rest of his pint in one go: "Who wants another one? It's on me." 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius opens up and immediately regrets it. Remus wants to help but doesn't know how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: alcohol, mention of cancer, mention of previously happened domestic violence (not graphic)

Sirius was drunk. Really fucking drunk. He was so unbelievably drunk that he knew he was facing a hungover tomorrow morning even worse than the one in Paris. Merely the thought of it made him feel sick. 

"Hey, you okay?" James was asking, a hand on his shoulder. 

"Mm", Sirius nodded, pressing his forehead down on the table. Even with his eyes closed, he could practically feel James and Remus exchanging looks. 

And sure enough, he heard Remus's voice next: "Um, should I get you home? Sirius?" 

Sirius just nodded against the table. He felt he might throw up if he lifted his head. "Alright, let's go then", Remus said, and then Sirius heard the sounds of the three of them getting up. He felt a strong pair of hands grab his sides and then he was being hoisted up onto his feet. James, undoubtedly. Sirius could smell his aftershave, the same one he had used since they were eighteen. 

"I can walk", Sirius pushed James's hands away as he was guided out of the pub and into the cool night. 

"Sure you can", James panted, flinging one of Sirius' arms over his shoulders: "Remus, call a cab, will you mate?" 

Remus nodded and went to the side to make the call. Sirius ushered James away and leaned onto the wall outside the pub. He finally opened his eyes properly and James was standing there, directly in front of him, eyes full of worry. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly: "I haven't seen you like this since... you know, back when..." 

He didn't finish the sentence, but Sirius knew what he meant. Back when his mother had last beaten him, three years ago. Sirius had gotten wasted after that and ended up in the hospital, much to Orion's dismay. Sirius met James's eyes again, and it dawned on him. He could tell James. James was his best friend, and he had always been open with Sirius. Sirius should be open with him, too. 

"She's in the hospital", Sirius managed to say before turning to the side and throwing up on the ground. When he straightened up again, James was staring at him, eyes wide. Sirius gave him a humourless smile and swept his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Your mother?" James whispered, and Sirius nodded. "Fuck, I didn't– I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Sirius, that's horrible..." 

"Mm", Sirius mumbled: "Cancer." 

"Fuck", James repeated. Remus walked to them just then, and Sirius felt a bit embarrassed. Had he seen him throw up? Probably. Did Remus throw up when he got too wasted? Probably not. He seemed too cool for that. 

"The cab's here", he said and glanced at the puddle of vomit next to Sirius's feet: "Are you okay?" 

"Perfect", Sirius flashed him a grin and patted James on the shoulder: "Okay if we leave?" 

"Yeah, for sure", James breathed, still seemingly shocked by the news: "Are you sure you're–?" 

"Fine", Sirius smiled at him: "Really, I'm okay." 

"Okay", James nodded and pulled him in for a hug: "Okay." 

"Okay", Sirius repeated, and then Remus was guiding him into the front seat of a cab, and then he was trying to keep everything in his stomach for the half-hour ride back home. When they finally arrived, he stumbled out of the car and leaned onto the steel fence while Remus paid for the cab. "Sorry", he mumbled when Remus walked over to him and flung Sirius's arm over his shoulder. 

"Don't worry", Remus smiled as he helped Sirius towards the house: "Been there." 

"You have?" Sirius raised an eyebrow at him: "I have a hard time imagining you in a state like this." 

Remus snorted. "Trust me, you don't _want_ to imagine it. Hey, are you sure you're okay? You went from zero to a hundred real fast all of a sudden." 

"Yeah, I'm fine", Sirius mumbled. They were quiet for a while. "I'm going to go see her", he then slurred, leaning more heavily onto Remus as they made slow progress up the stone path: "On Sunday. In the hospital." 

"Oh. Oh– you are?" Remus turned to look at him. Sirius nodded. 

"With Minerva." 

"Oh. Well, that's nice, isn't it?" Remus smiled, taking just a bit more of Sirius's weight. 

"I don't know", Sirius muttered: "I haven't seen her in ages." 

"She's probably going to be so happy to see you, then." 

"Probably just going to hit me again", he snorted humourlessly. Remus froze on the spot. Sirius could practically feel his whole body stiffen next to him. Sirius cursed under his breath. Why the hell would he say that? Why would he think Remus _cared_? It wasn't his _job_ to care. He pushed Remus's arm away and sat down on the first step of the stairs they had just reached. 

"She... oh my god, Sirius", Remus whispered, crouching next to him. Sirius was vaguely aware of the hand on his shoulder, but he kept his eyes on the ground. _Stupid_ , he chastised himself: _Stupid, stupid, STUPID._

"I didn't mean to–", he sighed: "It's not like that, it's not as bad as I made it sound." 

"Not as bad?" Remus breathed: "Has she... has she hit you before?" 

Sirius rubbed his hands over his face. There he was again, Remus the therapist, working through Sirius's problems. Sirius wished he had kept his mouth shut. 

"Sirius?" Remus's voice was soft. His hand was still on Sirius's shoulder, a comforting warmth. Tears stung Sirius's eyes, and he quickly swept them away with the back of his hand. 

"It was a long time ago", he sniffed: "Not... not recently." 

"Okay", Remus said quietly: "Okay, do you want to talk about it? Or, I don't know, not talk about it?" 

Sirius sniffed again. God, they had known each other for less than a week and he was already crying in front of him. Talk about giving a good impression. "Not talk. Please", he shook his head: "Not when I'm drunk, I'll just embarrass myself further." 

"You haven't embarrassed yourself", Remus smiled softly: "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. Come on, let's get you to bed." He stood up and reached his arm down for Sirius to grab. Sirius stumbled a bit as he got up onto his feet, but they managed to walk up the stairs and through the front door without making too big of a scene. 

Luckily the staircase to the basement was just in the next room from the front hallway – Sirius was sure he would have woken up the entire house otherwise. Remus helped him down the stairs and into bed, where Sirius flopped onto his back and immediately shut his eyes. He felt like a sulky child and he just wanted to sleep the nausea and the embarrassment away. Remus took of his shoes, which only made Sirius feel more ashamed of himself. But he let him. He let Remus take off his jacket an t-shirt too, both covered in his own sick. And then Remus threw a blanket over him and Sirius curled into a ball. He heard a muffled "goodnight" and then the lights went off and the door clicked shut. Sirius dozed off instantly. 

***

Remus closed the door behind him as quietly as possible. Sirius had looked like he would fall asleep the second he closed his eyes, and Remus wanted to let him. He felt terrible for Sirius, he felt he ought to do something about it, but he also knew he had to respect Sirius's wishes. If he didn't want to talk about his mother, then Remus couldn't push him into it. But that didn't mean he didn't feel absolutely horrible for him. 

He tiptoed his way up the stairs, all the way to the third floor, and made his way into his own room in the west wing. There was a bowl of fruit on his night table, along with a bar of chocolate – courtesy of Minerva, undoubtedly. Remus smiled and grabbed an apple, biting straight into it. 

He wasn't drunk, and that had been intentional. Not that he didn't get drunk – Lily had seen him at his worst. He just still felt a bit weird about the whole situation. He liked Sirius. Sirius was cool. He also worked for Sirius's father. Sirius's father wasn't a forgiving sort of man. And Sirius was probably straight. Quite possibly. And Remus shouldn't be thinking about this. 

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and took another bite of the apple. Sirius had said his mother had hit him, and even if he said it was years ago, it still seemed bother him. Of course it did, you couldn't just forget about something like that. Remus swallowed. His mother had always been good to him. Caring, loving, kind. He couldn't imagine what it felt like to _not_ have that. 

He stripped down to his boxers and pulled on a pair of pyjama pants. He thought about reading for a bit, but he felt too restless for that. He couldn't call his parents, it was three in the morning, and he couldn't really go anywhere. And he couldn't think of anything but Sirius. _Sirius_. He pulled out his phone and clicked to Instagram. _@always.sirius_. Remus laughed. That was the stupidest username he'd ever seen. But it was very Sirius – witty and a bit predictable. It made Remus smile. 

He knew he shouldn't. He knew it wouldn't do him any good. And he knew it was selfish and unfair to Sirius if Remus even thought about catching feelings. But that's the thing – you can't help it. And this wouldn't hurt anyone. Sirius wouldn't know that Remus had scrolled through his Instagram at three in the morning after just finding out that his mother used to be abusive. Remus was curious and so he allowed himself to press open Sirius's profile and scroll through the few pictures that were there. 

The latest one was from Paris – only a week before Sirius had got back. It was a simple picture of some fountain in what seemed like a city park. Maybe at the campus. There were two more pictures from Paris: one of a colourful record shop and one of Sirius. It looked like it had been taken by someone else. Sirius was sitting on a windowsill without a shirt on, showing the cover of a vinyl to the camera. Remus couldn't quite make out what the album was. Sirius looked happy. 

There were a few more pictures on his feed, most of them of random places or Sirius with his friends – James and some other people that Remus didn't recognize. Lily was in one picture, an arm slung over both Sirius and James's shoulders. Remus huffed a laugh. If he had just looked through Sirius's Instagram earlier that week, the Lily thing wouldn't have come as a surprise to him tonight. He didn't mind – it had been a nice surprise.

Regulus wasn't in any of the pictures, Remus now noticed as he reached the bottom. Well. Maybe that's just how brothers were. Or just how Sirius and Regulus were. He wouldn't know. 

Finally, he clicked his phone shut and forced himself to lie still. He lay awake for hours, and only fell asleep after seeing the first few rays of sunshine through the blinds on his windows. 

***

Sirius woke up to the sound of a sharp knock on the first door at the top of the stairs. "Breakfast in five!" Minerva's muffled voice came from upstairs: "And I do not care if you are hungover, that is your own fault." 

Sirius groaned and buried his head in his pillow. _Fuck_. Last night came flooding back to his mind. He could remember chatting with James, then his mother coming up in the conversation, and from there it all seemed a bit blurry. He remembered throwing up outside the pub. James finding out about his mother and hugging him. Remus pulling him into a cab. Remus helping him across the yard. Remus listening to his problems. Remus helping him into his room. Remus helping him into his bed. Remus taking off his clothes and–

No. Remus had been helping. He had been _friendly_. Sirius took a deep breath and tried to forget about it. Remus must think he's a prat. A crybaby. Reckless. A mess. It didn't make it any better that Remus had hardly been drunk himself. And Sirius had thrown up in front of him. _Oh god_. 

Remus was already there when Sirius slowly made his way into the kitchen. He was leaning casually onto the kitchen counter and chatting happily with Minerva, who was hustling around the stove. It smelled deliciously of eggs and bacon, and the sound of the grease sizzling made Sirius's stomach grumble. Minerva turned around at the sound. 

"Oh, there you are!" she pointed her spatula in the direction of the kettle: "Pour the tea, will you, darling? And–" she wrinkled her nose: "Take those clothes into the laundry room, you reek of booze. I'll sort them out after we've eaten." 

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I can do my own laundry, you know that." 

"Sure you can", Minerva turned back to the stove and raised her brows at Remus, who smiled. 

"I can!" Sirius pointed at her: "Took care of it for a year in Paris, remember?" 

"And I'm surprised you didn't call for help even once", she reached for a plate in the cupboard. 

"That was _once_!" Sirius gasped, pouring the steaming tea into three cups. Remus laughed. 

"These two are helpless, Sirius and Regulus", Minerva muttered to Remus: "And their father – don't even get me started on him..." 

"Okay, enough of that", Sirius laughed and grabbed Minerva's hand, spinning her around in an elegant way. She laughed and let him guide her through a few steps of waltz. 

"Such a charmer, isn't he?" Minerva smiled at Remus when Sirius finally let her go and went to get juice from the fridge. 

"Yeah", Remus said before he could stop himself. He glanced at Minerva, but her back was turned so he couldn't see her expression, and then at Sirius, who was staring back at him. Sirius gave him a funny look and turned back to the fridge. Remus felt his cheeks flush. "I'll set the table", he mumbled and pushed himself up, grabbing the stack of plates on the counter. 

"Thank you, dear", Minerva said, and Remus could hear from her voice that she was smiling. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius goes to see his mother. Remus and Regulus find common ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: cancer, mention of past abuse
> 
> Bit of a sad chapter but with a happy ending. :)

Remus lay on his back one his freshly changed sheets. It was his day off, and after the week he had had, he felt he really needed it. Orion was at his office in Islington and Regulus had been absent at breakfast, too. Minerva was undoubtedly taking care of household chores – she seemed to never stop moving – and Sirius was... Remus didn't know where Sirius was. Probably in his room. Remus wondered whether he should go and see him. 

Well, he knew he _shouldn't_ , but he was trying to come up with a good enough reason to go. They hadn't been able to talk at breakfast because of Minerva's presence, and Remus didn't know how much Sirius wanted her to know about his drunken adventures. Maybe Sirius didn't want to talk with Remus. 

So he pulled out a book. _The Shadow of the Wind_ , he had just started reading it that morning. Hope, his mother, had tried to get him to read it for ages now, and he had finally got around to it. He didn't get far though, before there was a knock on his door. Remus marked his spot and threw the book onto his bed, then went to open. His heart flipped when he saw Sirius standing on the other side. 

"Hey", he said quietly. 

"Hey", Remus replied as he studied Sirius's expression. He looked a bit nervous. "Everything okay?" 

"Yes, fine", Sirius nodded, biting his lip: "Look, about last night–" 

"Don't worry about it–" 

"I shouldn't have dumped it all on you and–" 

"I told you I'd listen if you wanted to talk." 

Sirius looked at him, mouth slightly ajar. He swallowed and nodded. "Yeah, you did. But still, it's not your job to–" 

"Sirius", Remus laughed, shaking his head. Sirius stared at him and frowned. " _Sirius_ ", Remus repeated, then sighed: "I– don't think about like that. Like I _have_ to listen to you open up, I– I _want_ to. I want to help." 

"But–"

"But what?" Remus cocked his head. 

"You're my father's assistant." 

"Yeah, not _yours_. I can be your, um– friend", he swallowed, biting his lip: "Right?" 

"Right", Sirius repeated slowly: "Friend." 

"And I don't expect you to tell me everything", he hurried to say: "But just know that you can, if you want to." 

Sirius nodded, glancing around the room. His eyes stopped on the book on Remus's bed. "Like reading?" he nodded towards it. 

" _Love_ reading", Remus grinned: "I have my Mum to thank for that– oh. Shit, sorry." 

"No", Sirius shook his head and frowned: "You're allowed to talk about your mother. About your life – I'm your friend, too." 

Remus smiled and hoped he didn't look too sheepish. His heart was beating a mile a minute, and he hoped Sirius didn't notice. 

"Come on", Sirius jerked his head towards the door: "I want to show you something." 

"Oh?" Remus blinked: "Okay..." 

He followed Sirius out of the room and all the way to the east wing (Remus was slowly starting to learn where everything was in the house), where they stopped in the middle of a corridor. " _Voilà_ ", Sirius spread his arms wide. 

"Um", Remus looked around the empty corridor: "Am I supposed to be stunned?" 

Sirius laughed. He reached up to pull on a chain that was hanging from the ceiling. Remus watched in awe as a trap door opened and Sirius lowered a ladder down in front of them. He grinned. "After you." 

Remus stepped forward and carefully climbed the ladder up. It was some sort of attic, and– 

" _Wow_." 

He stepped into the room, Sirius following close behind, and looked around himself. It was a low-ceiling room with only one window at the end of it, letting gleams of natural light into the space. The walls were covered with bookshelves, and there were a bunch of pillows and blankets on the deep windowsill and in front of it on the ground. A single armchair sat there next to the window. It was some sort of home library. Remus loved it, and he told Sirius that. 

"It's all yours", Sirius shrugged: "Well, technically – no one ever comes in here. I mean, Regulus might, but I'm pretty sure he has already read through all of these." 

Remus nodded slowly, unable to say anything sensible. There must have been a thousand books. It wasn't even dusty, and Remus figured that Minerva must still come there every once in a while to keep it clean. He choked out a 'thank you' and wandered further in. 

There were classics, poetry, history books, children's books, French literature, Spanish literature, everything Remus could have ever wished for. He walked around the room and when he returned to the trapdoor, Sirius was grinning widely. "Well? Does Remus Lupinus approve?" 

"A hundred percent", Remus nodded, still quite flabbergasted. Sirius looked content. He crashed down on the armchair next to the window. 

"I used to come here as a kid", he smiled faintly, staring at the bookshelves: "Regulus and I both. When our mother was having one of her... fits." Remus didn't reply. He didn't feel like he ought to. Instead, he walked over to Sirius and crouched in front of him, like he had last night in the stairs. "It was always the only place she wouldn't come look for us–" Remus's heart broke when Sirius's voice did. 

"I'm so sorry", he whispered, biting back tears as he looked Sirius swipe his away, embarrassed. 

"I don't know if I want to go see her tomorrow", Sirius swallowed: "I don't know if I can. And– I feel sorry for her, even after everything she's done." 

"That's okay, that's normal", Remus said quietly, gently bringing his hand to Sirius's knee: "I'm not saying you should _forgive_ her, but you could... you could try. Not forgive, but put it aside – just for tomorrow." 

"She's my mother", Sirius let out a shaky breath: "And I hate her most of the time, but what if she doesn't– what if she doesn't..." He stared at the ground, eyes shiny with tears. Remus could barely hear his voice as he spoke next: "What if she doesn't make it?" 

"I know", Remus whispered, because he didn't know what else he could say: "Have you... have you spoken about it with your brother?" 

"The abuse or the illness?" Sirius sniffed, biting his lip. He looked almost furious now. 

"Either", Remus said, trying to catch Sirius's eyes. He was avoiding looking at him, Remus knew it. He hated that Sirius was embarrassed of crying. 

"No", he shook his head, closing his eyes: "We don't really talk. Never have. And I think he's still hurt that I left." 

"But you said–" 

"That I was studying abroad?" Sirius finally looked at him, eyes serious: "I wasn't lying. But neither was Regulus when he said that I ran away. It was– pretty impulsive." He let out a shaky laugh and ran his hand through his hair. "I got enough of it. My life. So I booked a one-way ticket to Paris and finished uni there." 

Remus stared at him, deciding what to say next. Sirius beat him to it. "You can say it", he smiled humourlessly: "I know I'm a coward." 

"I don't think you're a coward", Remus frowned. He touched Sirius's arm and shook his head slowly: "I think you're brave. You do what you want, not what others expect you to do. That's _brave_ , not cowardly." 

It was Sirius's turn to look taken aback. His eyes studied Remus's face for a moment before he shook his head and huffed a laugh. "You're just saying that." 

"No I'm not!" Remus breathed: "Really, I wish _I_ had the guts to run off to Paris– sorry." 

"Stop apologizing!" Sirius nudged him with his knee. He smiled, and Remus did too. 

"At least you'll have Minerva with you, right?" 

"Right", Sirius's smile turned soft: "She's really too amazing. We were lucky to have Dad hire him." 

"I think she thinks the same", Remus smiled: "She really loves you and Regulus, I can tell." 

"Yeah..." Sirius sighed. He looked a bit sad, but was clearly trying hide it. Remus was just about to say something when Sirius suddenly clung himself up, Remus's hand falling against the armchair. "I should go... you can stay here if you want. Read for a bit or whatever – it's your day off, right?" 

"Right", Remus said slowly: "Right– yeah... I might. Stay here for a bit. If that's okay?" 

"For sure", Sirius nodded: "Just, um, come down for lunch when it's ready." 

"Yeah. Thanks." 

"Okay", Sirius gave a tight smile and disappeared through the trapdoor. Remus swallowed and crashed down on the armchair. His neck felt hot and he clung onto the armrests with everything he had. He could still feel Sirius's knee under his touch. 

***

Sirius made his way towards the basement with shaky feet. And shaky hands. And shaky everything. The warmth of Remus's touch was still burning on his knee. And on his arm. Sirius swallowed. It brought back memories from France. Memories of Marc, their naked bodies close to each other, Marc's lingering kisses on his neck and everywhere else. But that was Marc, not Remus. Remus wasn't Marc _. Remus wasn't Marc. Remus wasn't_ – 

"Sirius?" a door opened behind him in the corridor. Sirius glanced up and saw Regulus staring at him, eyes serious and worried. "Are you alright?" 

"Yeah", Sirius breathed, and only then noticed he was leaning onto the wall, cold sweat glistening on his forehead. How did he end up _here_? He had tried to get to the basement from the east wing, the west wing wasn't even on the way... "Yeah, sorry, I don't... I don't know what happened..." 

"You look pale." 

"Thanks", Sirius scowled, closing his eyes as his vision blurred. 

"Only trying to help", Regulus mumbled and came to support Sirius up, slipping and arm behind his back. "Come on, where were you headed?" 

"Ibiza", Sirius huffed, letting Regulus take some of his weight. He really did feel like he might faint. " _My room_ , you bloody idiot." 

"Pretty sure your room's in the fucking basement", Regulus bit back, leading him towards the staircase: " _Bloody idiot_." 

"I told you, I don't know what happened", Sirius said through gritted teeth. 

They took a little while, but Regulus managed to get Sirius into his room in the end and sat him down on the bed. Sirius, who could at least see properly again, glanced up at Regulus. His eyes were worried, and Sirius thought if felt weird. They used to worry about each other all the time back when they were younger. That had changed at some point, but Sirius couldn't remember when. 

"I'm– shit, I don't know, I'm sorry", he sighed, pressing his fingers into his eyes. Regulus frowned, standing over him. Sirius felt like he had been over-dramatic, now. He'd thought about Marc and then all of a sudden... he shook his head. He didn't want to think about it. 

"Nothing to be sorry for", Regulus shrugged. He looked like he wasn't leaving. 

"Don't know what got into me." 

"I think it might've been a panic attack." 

Sirius looked back at him. "A panic attack?" 

"Yeah", Regulus shrugged: "Uncle Cygnus used to get quite bad ones, remember?" 

"But it's never happened before", Sirius frowned. His heartbeat was still rapid in his chest. 

"Doesn't mean it _can't_ happen", Regulus shrugged again: "Do you want something? Um, tea or food or– Minerva?" Sirius shook his head. "Okay", Regulus nodded and made to leave. 

"You can stay", Sirius said hurriedly: "If you... I'd like to talk." 

"Oh." 

"We never really did", he whispered: "Talk." 

"No, we didn't." 

"Do you still think about it? The... the hits. Or– or the..." 

"Every day", Regulus nodded, eyes glassy. He sat down next to Sirius and fixed his eyes on the carpet. 

"Yeah... me too." 

"Why ask now?" 

Sirius sighed. "I spoke with Remus–" 

"You told him?" Regulus turned his head quickly, eyes wide. Sirius nodded. 

"By accident, I was... anyway", he swallowed: "It got me thinking... I'm not the only one who went through it. You did, too, and I never gave you the chance to talk to me about it." 

"Is that what triggered the... the panic attack or whatever that was."

"I think so. Maybe." 

"Hm." 

They were quite for a while. Regulus was playing with his ring, Sirius watching as his finger trailed the rim of it. 

"I didn't give you a chance to talk about it, either", Regulus said quietly, after what felt like minutes of complete silence. "And you had it worse." 

"It doesn't matter who had it worse", Sirius looked at him, slowly shaking his head: "You went through it, too." 

And then Regulus did something he hadn't done since they were only kids. He flung towards Sirius and wrapped him in a hug. Sirius's breath caught in his throat and he hugged him back. It felt familiar and comforting, like it hadn't been fifteen years since they had last held each other. Regulus was crying silently, Sirius could feel his shirt getting wet from where Regulus's face was pressed against it. Sirius let out a shaky breath and held him tighter. His baby brother. 

"I'm going to see her tomorrow", Sirius said quietly, his own eyes wet with tears. Regulus pulled away only slightly, his eyes big and glassy. 

"You are?" he choked out. Sirius nodded. 

"Have you– have you been there? At the hospital?" 

Regulus nodded slightly, then swallowed. "I didn't go at first. I couldn't. Then, after a few months I just..." He shook his head: "I couldn't bear the idea of her alone in a place like that– I know she hurt us and I will never forgive her for it but–" He took a teary breath and closed his eyes. Sirius nodded. 

"I understand", he whispered. And he did understand. 

"I swear she's changed", Regulus whispered. 

Sirius bit his lip. "Okay", he said softly. "Is it horrible? To see her in the hospital?" 

"It's quite bad", Regulus said quietly: "She's not well. I don't think she's dying but she's not... it's not getting any better, either. I wish I could come tomorrow but Dad's got me working all day, and he's not... he doesn't deal with this in a healthy way. He pushes the whole thing away and focuses on work." 

"That's what Minnie said to me, too." 

"It's good that you don't have to go alone", Regulus sighed. "It's not easy." 

"I know", Sirius said, though he didn't quite know what he was expecting. But Regulus was right. At least he wasn't going alone. 

***

Remus stopped the car in the driveway and waited for Mr Black to get out. He glanced back and nodded at Remus. "Seven o'clock tomorrow, I need my schedule for the week and those papers from Thursday's meeting." 

"Yes, sir", Remus nodded, then waited for him to slam the door shut before parking the car. It had been a long day, driving Mr Black from one destination to another and trying to keep track of all the people they'd met. Mr Black seemed to know everyone. Or rather, everyone seemed to know Mr Black. Remus was tired from all the handshaking and boring introductions. 'Mr Crouch, CEO of this and that, his son, Barty Crouch Jr. Ah! There's Mr Malfoy, you remember him from earlier this week... Yes, Lucius, business is great... yes, see you next week.' Then back to the car and Orion Black showed no emotion at all. Completely unreadable. _This pays well_ , Remus had to tell himself: _This pays well, and you get to live in a bloody mansion. This pays well. And Sirius..._

Remus went to his room and took off his suit, finally able to move properly. He wasn't used to this sort of life. Suits and formal meetings and polite nodding and forced smiles. Well, it was his own fault for choosing to study what he had. And it paid well. 

He got into slacks and a sweater – Sirius had laughed at him the other day for wearing trousers and a shirt around the house. 'This is your home now', he had said: 'When you're not working you're living here just like the rest of us.' And so he wore slacks and a sweater and tried not to feel too indiscreet. He grabbed his book and headed for the east wing. Sirius had also said that he could use the library whenever he wanted, and Remus just couldn't fight the urge. 

Besides, Sirius was right. This was Remus's home now, too – at least for the time being – and if he wanted to feel comfortable with his surroundings, he couldn't just hide away in his room and wear fancy clothes all day. At least that's what he told himself. He still felt like a guest. 

He pulled the chain and lowered the ladder down, then climbed into the attic and pulled the ladder back up, closing the trap door. He turned around and flinched. 

"Shit, sorry", he breathed, clutching his book to his chest: "I didn't think anyone would be here..."

"Sirius told you about this?" Regulus sat up a little straighter, a small frown on his face. 

"Um, yeah..." Remus said nervously: "Sorry, I can go–"

"No, it's fine", Regulus leaned back on the armchair: "I'm just surprised – he's never shown the attic to anyone before... this used to be our safe spot– um, when we were kids." 

"Yeah, he told me", Remus said, scratching his arm. He felt like he was invading. This was more Regulus's home than his, and he'd been stupid to make himself believe that he could actually call this _his_ home. He _was_ a guest, just a temporary inhabitant. "He said I could come here if I wanted... sorry." 

"I said it's fine", Regulus gave a faint smile: "I still come here, even if I don't have anything to hide from– well, sometimes Dad when he's being annoying and doesn't shut up about money or politics." He shook his head slightly, as if to will himself to stop rambling. "It's okay, we can share", he nodded at the windowsill. 

"Okay", Remus nodded and walked over to the window, sitting down on the seat. He grabbed a pillow and placed it behind his back, then opened his book. Regulus was still looking at him. 

"What are you reading?" 

" _The Shadow of the Wind_ ", Remus showed the cover: "You?" 

He snorted and showed the book in his hand. _Prince Caspian_. Remus smiled.

"It's stupid, really – not the book, but why I'm reading it... I used to love it as a kid, it sort of... helped me escape. I guess I needed that right now, that's why I picked it up." 

"That's not stupid", Remus said softly: "I'm the same with _The Wonderful Wizard of Oz_... it's sort of my comfort book, I guess. My Mom used to read it to me when I was a kid. I think she loved it just as much as I did." 

Regulus just smiled in response. He looked like he was about to say something, but instead turned back to his book and continued reading. Remus did the same, and they sat there for what felt like hours, just reading in companionable silence. Remus liked it. Regulus seemed to be the complete opposite of his brother. 

Regulus's phone beeped, breaking them both out of their bubbles. It had gone dark outside. 

Regulus looked at his phone, then at Remus. "Sirius is back." 

***

It was quite horrible, really. Regulus had been right. And having Minerva with him was a blessing. The nurse pulled the curtain aside and Sirius felt he couldn't breathe. Minerva's hand was on his shoulder in an instant. 

"Walburga", the nurse said sweetly: "Walburga, you've got visitors." 

Walburga stirred awake, eyes opening slowly. She squinted in the direction of them, and Sirius felt his stomach twist. "Hi, Mom", he managed to choke out. 

"Regulus?" 

"No, Mom", Sirius stepped closer, swallowing: "Sirius." 

"Sirius?" his mother breathed, sitting up a little straighter. She looked... fragile. But Walburga Black wasn't fragile, Sirius if anyone knew that. She might not be the most maternal person in the world, but she was sure as hell tough. Maybe that's why it felt weird for him to see her like this – lying in a hospital bed, eyes tired and looking like she had shrunk. 

"Hey", Sirius breathed, taking another step forward and crouching in front of her bed. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Her eyes filled with tears. 

"Sirius..." she whispered. Sirius couldn't tell what she was thinking. Was she mad that he had run off? Happy to see him? Disappointed? Relieved? He didn't have the chance to ask before Walburga's hand was already on top of his, resting over the white hospital sheets. Her hand was cold, but to Sirius it felt warm. So did the look in her eyes, and he was able to breathe again. 

"I'm so sorry, Ma", he whispered, covering her hand in his. He heard Minerva leave the room and closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry." 

"You're here now", Walburga said, and Sirius couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. "Sirius. I'm sorry, too." 

Sirius opened his eyes, staring at her. He was in two minds: He could lie. Say that he forgave her. It would make her happy. Or he could tell the truth. It would hurt her, but lying felt just as cruel. 

"I can't forgive you", he whispered: "But... I'm here now." 

"You are", Walburga nodded, eyes wide. Sirius felt too hot suddenly, like something – someone – was strangling him. He let go of his mother's hand and pulled a chair closer to the bed, sitting down again. They didn't hold hands again, but Sirius was able to smile. And that was something. 

***

Sirius was a mess of emotions when he got back to the house, Minerva behind the wheel. They hadn't spoken a word during the whole car journey. Minerva had just placed a hand on top of his and kept it there, and to Sirius, that had been more than enough. 

He went straight into his room and sat down on the floor. That always made him feel grounded. _Regulus_. He needed Regulus. Or Remus. Regulus. Remus. Regulus. Remus – no. _Regulus_. He sent him a text and hoped that whatever his hands had typed made sense. It must have, because soon enough, the sound of Regulus's footsteps came from the staircase. He stopped at the bottom and swallowed. 

"Are you okay?" he asked. Sirius shrugged, pulling his knees up to his chest. Regulus stayed at the doorway. "Can Remus come?" he glanced up the stairs, where Sirius couldn't see. _Could_ Remus come? Would that be good for Sirius? Maybe. Maybe not. 

"If he wants", Sirius said quietly. He had cried in front of Remus just two days before. Maybe it wasn't the end of the world if other people saw his tears. Sirius saw Regulus look up the stairs and jerk his head towards Sirius' room. More footsteps, and Remus appeared next to Regulus. 

"Hey", he said quietly. 

"Hey", Sirius replied from the floor. 

"How did it go?" 

"She apologized to me." 

"She did?" Regulus stepped forward, hand reached out slightly. Sirius nodded, and Regulus let his hand drop against his side. "Did you–?" 

"No", Sirius shook his head, eyes stinging. "No, I couldn't. Can't." 

Regulus nodded. It was silent until his phone started ringing. He cussed under his breath and pulled it out of his pocket. "Dad", he mumbled: "Are you–?" He glanced at Remus, then Sirius. 

"Fine", Sirius nodded, looking at Remus. 

"Thanks for going to see her", Regulus swallowed: "Seriously, I think– I think she appreciates it." 

"Yeah", Sirius nodded blankly. His eyes were still on Remus, who was staring at him quietly. Regulus looked between the two of them, and then his phone beeped again. "Go", Sirius glanced at him: "He's going to be mad." 

"Okay", Regulus breathed, then turned around to head out. He turned back at the last second. "Sirius", he said. Sirius turned to look at him. "I think you're brave." And with that, he was jogging up the stairs, no doubt hurrying into Orion's office. Sirius turned back to look at Remus, who had already made it halfway across the room. 

"We're friends, right?" he asked, stopping right in front of him. 

Sirius nodded, looking up. "Yeah." 

He could have cried when Remus's arms wrapped around him and held him tight. With Remus's comforting touch and the floor beneath them, there were now two things keeping Sirius grounded. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: stresses about my upcoming final exams and my lack of preparation for them  
> Also me: writes a 5000-word chapter for my book about two fictional men
> 
> It's a long one, enjoy! :)
> 
> CW: alcohol

"Thought I'd find you here!" James's voice came from the direction of the back door. Sirius opened his eyes and glanced back, squinting against the sunlight. 

"Here I am", he said flatly, laying his head back down. It was the warmest day of the year so far, and he didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to soak in some sunlight. And so he had set up camp in the backyard. Orion hated it, so Sirius loved it even more. 

"I thought you said you're a full-time businessman now", James said and sat down next to him on the grass. 

"Only when my father needs me to be." 

"Well", James shrugged, closing his eyes and leaning back onto his palms. He let out a satisfied sigh. "Where's Remus?" 

"What do you mean 'where's Remus'?" Sirius opened one eye, looking up at James. 

"I mean _where's Remus_? Your new housemate?" 

"Dad''s assistant", Sirius corrected. _Friend_ , he thought to himself, but that was his. Remus and his little secret. At least Sirius liked to think of it that way. The idea of sharing something with only Remus made him feel... well, something. He was still figuring that out. "And in a meeting at the Islington office." 

"Shame", James sighed, rolling his sleeves up to expose more skin to the sun. 

"Shame?" 

"I like him", he shrugged: "Lily wouldn't shut up about him on Friday after you left, she told me all these crazy stories and everything." 

"Oh?" Sirius opened his eyes and rolled onto his side, head propped up on one elbow. Remus didn't seem like the crazy type. He loved books, that's all that Sirius knew about him. He wanted to find out more, though. Remus must like other stuff, too. He made a mental note to ask when they were alone again. 

"Yeah", James was saying, smiling to himself: "I mean, they went to secondary school together – think of all the things _we_ did back then." 

"Yeah", Sirius grinned. He missed those days, just him and James being young and stupid, feeling like they were conquering the world. Those were happy memories, away from home. _Most_ of his happy memories were away from home. 

"We should go out again, the four of us", James suggested. 

"Can't this weekend", Sirius pulled a face: "Dad's got some Swedish investors coming over for dinner, and I'm supposed to be there, smiling and keeping up conversation." 

"Do you even know any Swedish?" James grinned. 

"Fuck no", Sirius laughed: "They speak English, surely. Otherwise I'll just have to win them over with my looks." 

James sucked air in through his teeth: "Yeah, let's hope they speak English." Sirius punched him in the arm. 

"Jerk." 

"Hey, did you go see your Mom?" James suddenly asked. He wasn't smiling anymore. 

"I did." 

"How was it?" 

"Not as bad as I thought", Sirius pulled at the grass, twirling it between his fingers. His mother kept coming up in conversations more often than he would've liked. "Let's not talk about that, okay?" 

"Okay", James smiled. Sirius smiled back appreciatively. James was so easy to be around. Sometimes Sirius felt James knew him better than he did. Maybe he _did_. Sirius was good at lying to himself, at least according to his brother. Hearing that used to annoy him, but he was starting to think Regulus was right. 

"What are you thinking about?" James's voice snapped him back to reality. Sirius shook his head. 

"Nothing important." 

"Alright", James nodded: "Want to go for a drive?" 

Sirius smiled. Nothing that a good drive around in one of Orion's convertibles couldn't fix. He pulled on his t-shirt and they walked over to the front yard to pick a car. Maybe he was still young and stupid. He just didn't feel like he was conquering anything anymore. 

***

Regulus stood up and walked around the table to shake hands with the two men who had just walked in. Benjamin and Carl Eriksson from Eriksson Enterprises. They smiled at him and then turned to shake Remus's hand. Regulus glanced around: Sirius was supposed to be there already. 

They sat down and Minerva brought glasses and a bottle of wine to the table before disappearing into the kitchen. The seat next to Regulus was still empty by the time they had finished the appetizers. Orion was looking nervous as he tried to keep up conversation with the Swedes. Remus was glancing at the door, and Regulus knew he was waiting for Sirius, too. Their eyes met and Regulus gave a small shrug. Remus swallowed and nodded. 

Minerva came to collect their dishes – Benjamin and Carl looked a bit surprised, but she insisted on doing it. She brought them a delicious-looking lasagna next, and leaned down to whisper into Regulus's ear on her way out. "Where's Sirius, dear?" 

"Great question", Regulus mumbled from the corner of his mouth just as the door swung open. Sirius strode into the room and placed a hand on Minerva's shoulder. 

"Did I miss the _hors d'oeuvre_? Pity." 

Minerva gave him a pointed smile and raised her brows at Regulus before returning to the kitchen again. Sirius turned to the guests and spread his arms wide. "Hej på dig!" he said briskly, then sat down next to Regulus and looked around, smiling. "Well, what are we waiting for?"

Regulus closed his eyes and willed himself not to punch his brother right then and there. _Fucking Sirius._ Regulus glanced at Remus again. Remus was looking at Sirius, a puzzled look on his face. Sirius was digging into his lasagna, purposefully avoiding his father's eyes. Orion looked red with fury. 

"Can you please behave", Regulus mumbled quietly to Sirius, who was slouching back on his chair: "This is important." 

"Mm, Reggie", Sirius turned his head and smiled humourlessly: "To who?" 

"To Dad– have you been drinking?" he frowned. Sirius smelled like booze from close up, and his lids looked a bit heavier than usual. "For fuck's sake Sirius, are you _drunk_?" he hissed, eyes darting to the pocket of Sirius's trousers. He could see the outline of a flask. _Fucking Sirius._

He glanced up at Remus, who was watching them questioningly. Regulus lifted his hand up inconspicuously and held his thumb and little finger up over the table. Remus seemed to realize in an instant. His eyes flung to the bottle of wine on the table and he moved it slightly further away from Sirius. Sirius cocked him an eyebrow, his hand reaching for his pocket dangerously. Regulus slapped his hand away and kicked him under the table. 

" _Ouch_ ", Sirius hissed. 

"Stop messing around", Regulus mumbled from the corner of his mouth, making sure the others couldn't hear: "You shouldn't have come at all." 

"Father insisted." 

"Not _drunk_." 

"So", Sirius blurted out of the blue, ignoring him. He turned to look at the two Swedish men: "Hur mår ni?" 

"Sirius", Orion said sternly. 

"What? Just making conversation", Sirius waved him off: "Eriksson Enterprises, right? That's so much nicer than Black Industries–" 

" _Sirius_." 

Sirius shut his mouth and raised a brow before crashing back against the back of his chair. Orion looked at Regulus, who shook his head slightly. He then cleared his throat and turned to Remus, seated next to him, and leaned a little closer. 

"Remus, would you kindly escort Sirius out?" he said steadily, casting a tight smile at the Erikssons: "Please." 

"Yeah", Remus got up in an instant and smiled at the Swedes as he strode around the table and tapped Sirius on the shoulder. "Come on", he said, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up. Regulus tried to keep his face neutral as the guests stared at them curiously. Then, he heard Remus whisper to Sirius: "Please. Don't make this harder for me." And Sirius straightened up, pushing himself to his feet. 

"Vi ses", he nodded at the businessmen and then Remus pulled him out of the room. The door swung shut and it was quiet for a few seconds. 

"Very sorry about that", Orion cleared his throat and attempted a smile, but Regulus could see the flames in his eyes. Dinner went on, and the guests were polite enough to pretend nothing had happened. 

***

Remus panted as he finally let go of Sirius's arm. They were in his room in the basement, the door safely shut so that they could no longer hear any of the sounds coming from upstairs. Sirius sat down on his bed and tilted his head to the side, looking at Remus idly. Remus walked over to him and rubbed his eyes with his fingers. Sirius watched him the whole time, a small smile on his face. Remus shook his head in disbelief. 

"Are you fucking mad?" he nearly shouted, very much aware of the two important businessmen up in the dining room. "Are you fucking– _fuck_ , Sirius." 

" _What_ , Remus?" Sirius mocked his voice, grinning sloppily. Remus pressed his fingers to his eyes again. 

"How much?" 

"Not _that_ much", Sirius said negligently, patting the flask in his pocket. Remus stiffened, then closed his eyes slowly and took a deep breath. Sirius must be joking. This couldn't be happening. 

"Give that to me", he held out his hand, placing his other hand on his hip. Sirius cocked an eyebrow, amused. 

"No." 

"Sirius." 

"Come get it", he raised his hands up. 

"You're being childish." 

"Am I?" 

" _Yes_. Give it to me. Please." 

"You have to get it from me." 

Remus sighed. _God_. He reached down quickly, attempting to be wry, but Sirius caught his wrist and grinned. Remus stared back at him. And then Sirius wasn't grinning anymore. His eyes flicked to where he was gripping Remus's wrist tightly, then back to Remus's face, and he quickly let go. Remus reached down and snatched the flask from Sirius' pocket, willing his breathing to steady. God, that look in Sirius's grey eyes, the mischief turning into something different. He had almost looked panicked. 

"Sorry", Sirius mumbled, glancing down. 

"You should be", Remus opened the flask and took a whiff, grimacing: "Jesus Christ, Sirius." 

"Sorry." 

"Why?" 

"I don't know. I– I really don't want this to be my life." 

"That doesn't mean you should–" 

"I know!" Sirius snapped: "I know, okay? But I don't care – I don't care whether he gets the fucking deal or not! I don't care!" 

"Okay!" Remus held his hands out. He dropped the flask and stepped closer to Sirius again: "Okay. Please calm down. It's just me." 

"Just you", Sirius breathed. 

"Yeah, just me." 

"Okay." 

"Okay", Remus nodded: "You should probably... go to sleep or something." 

"I'm not tired." 

"Then _don't_ go to sleep", Remus sighed: "I don't know, you're really hard to read right now." _Always_. 

"Sorry–" 

"Stop apologizing", Remus cocked a sly eyebrow. Sirius looked up at him and grinned. 

"Sorry." 

Remus snorted and brought his hands to his hips. Sirius sitting on his bed like that, drunk and sheepish, was an endearing sight, even though Remus knew he ought to be mad at him. If only for Mr Black's sake. But he wasn't angry – a little confused, maybe, and worried. But not angry. 

"I should get back up", he glanced at the clock. They'd been absent from dinner for twenty minutes already, and Remus felt he ought to make an appearance soon. He didn't want to leave Sirius, but he didn't want to lose his job either. 

"You should", Sirius nodded: "It's enough he's mad at me. No need for you to get shit for it, too." 

"Okay. I'll talk to you later?" 

"Yeah, tomorrow maybe", Sirius said, laying back on his bed. He lifted his head and cocked an eyebrow: "If I'm not dead by then." 

"I'll testify", Remus said over his shoulder as he headed towards the door. 

"I'm counting on it!" Sirius stated from the bed, staring up at the ceiling. That's how Remus left him to return to the dinner. If it was up to him, he would have chosen the basement over the dining room any time. He would have rather stayed with his _friend_. But he had a job to do. 

***

The next evening Remus grabbed his book and walked towards the main hallway. The door to the dining room was slightly ajar – dinner must have already started. He opened the door to the basement and walked the stairs down, then gave a light knock on the door at the bottom. Sirius grunted and he took that as permission to enter. 

"Hey", he said, stepping into the room. Sirius was sitting on his bed, leaning back against the headboard. He was fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater, a bored look on his face. 

"Hey", he returned and snorted: "Great, haven't had a babysitter in years." 

"Not a babysitter", Remus sighed, scratching his arm nervously. 

"Oh, please", Sirius scoffed: "As if I don't know why he sent you here. To make sure that I don't fucking leave my room and ruin dinner again – speaking of dinner, you're missing it because of me." 

"I don't mind", Remus smiled sheepishly. And he really didn't – he was quite happy to have been given the excuse to come to Sirius's room. And not leave all night. It was quite perfect, actually, except Sirius didn't seem too happy about the arrangement. "And like it or not, I'm staying." 

Sirius scowled at him, but Remus could have sworn he was biting back a smirk. "What's that?" he asked, nodding towards Remus's hand. 

"A book."

"Oh, _merde_ , I didn't notice..." he rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching. He cocked his head: "What book?"

" _Nineteen Eighty-Four_ ", Remus held up the book to show the cover.

"George Orwell."

"Have you read it?"

"Nah, we have it in the library but... no."

"Where do you think I got it?" Remus smiled: "Not a fan of dystopian, then? Or reading overall?"

"Non, I enjoy reading... I just enjoy being read to more."

"Oh yeah?" Remus hummed: "Want me to read you a bedtime story?"

It was meant as a joke, one that he thought Sirius would catch and laugh off. And maybe he had caught it, but he didn't laugh. He frowned, only very slightly, and then gave a gentle smile.

"I'd like that", he nodded, correcting his posture against the wall. "Go on, then."

"You sure?" Remus raised a skeptical eyebrow. This might just be a joke, and he waited for Sirius to burst out laughing. But he didn't. Instead, he patted the bed, scooting a little to his right to make more space. Remus hesitated, but sat down. He glanced once more at Sirius, then cleared his throat and started reading. Sirius listened quietly. 

"Um–" he stopped after a few paragraphs: "Mind if I just continue from where I was, or do you want me to start from the beginning?"

"I don't mind", Sirius shook his head, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Remus raised an eyebrow. Some people just are weird like that.

He cleared his throat again and continued. A few pages down, then: "Are you _sure_? I really don't mind starting over–"

"Oh, just _read_ ", Sirius laughed, shaking his head. He opened one eye and smirked at Remus: " _You_ probably couldn't do that, could you? Start from the middle."

"Never", Remus smiled. 

"Or leave a book half read?"

"Definitely not."

"Figured."

Remus snorted, found his spot on the page and continued reading again. This time he kept reading until a soft sound from Sirius's direction interrupted him. He glanced up from the book and found Sirius with his head fallen to the side, eyelashes pressed against his skin, mouth slightly ajar. He was snoring, a very gentle, wavering sound. Remus thought it was endearing. He placed the bookmark on the opening and closed the book with a soft thump and let himself stare. Only for a small while, and he convinced himself it wasn't creepy. Soft curls of Sirius' hair had fallen over his face, wavering with his steady breaths. Remus smiled, then hoisted himself up and covered Sirius with a blanket. He moved to the warm brown armchair next to Sirius's bed and drew his knees up to his chest. 

He kept stealing glances over his book, of Sirius's relaxed body and peaceful face. The sound of him snoring was surprisingly calming and Remus found his lids starting to feel heavy. He forced his eyes open and squinted at the small print on the book. Falling asleep really wouldn't do him any good. 

"You stopped reading", Sirius mumbled suddenly, eyes still closed. Remus shifted in the armchair and set the book down. 

"You stopped listening." 

"It's not my fault you've got such a calming voice", Sirius muttered sleepily and let his head drop back against the wall. Remus couldn't help but smile to himself. He suddenly regretted leaving the bed. "Go on", Sirius yawned. 

"You've missed at least thirty pages", Remus pointed out, picking the book back up again. 

"I do not care", Sirius stated simply. Remus raised his brows and turned back to the page. Out of all the things he had expected from this job, reading bedtime stories to Sirius Black wasn't one of them. But he liked it more than anything. 

Sirius fell asleep again, after another ten minutes or so, and this time he looked liked he wasn't waking up again any time soon. Remus closed the book and hoisted himself up from the armchair. He patted to the door and glanced back once more before closing it behind him as quietly as he possibly could. That was the second time he had left Sirius lying alone in his bed in the span of two days, and he already hated it. 

***

* _Beep beep_ *

Remus glanced at his phone. A Whatsapp message from an unknown number: 'Did you finish your book?' His heart jumped a little as he picked his phone up and started typing. 

**Remus** : How did you get my number? 

**Sirius** : Regulus

**Remus** : How did _Regulus_ get my number? 

**Sirius** : I don't know, probably from Dad. Didn't ask

**Remus** : Okay. Yes

**Sirius** : Yes what? 

**Remus** : Yes. I finished the book

**Sirius** : Pity. Left it at such an exciting part for me

Remus laughed to himself before he typed the next reply.

**Remus** : Pretty sure you were sleeping like a baby. 

**Sirius** : Ha. Babies are cute when they're sleeping

_So are you_ , Remus wanted to say, but that was very much out of question. 'I take it back', he typed instead, then took a deep breath and added a winking emoji. He hit send with a shaky finger. 

Sirius took a bit longer to reply this time, but Remus laughed in relief when he did. 

**Sirius** : I'm bored. Meet me outside? 

**Remus** : It's the middle of the night

He hit send and jumped up, pulling on a pair of jeans and a sweater. He was halfway to tying his shoelaces when his phone beeped again. 

**Sirius** : Already on my way. Hurry up

Remus smiled and slipped his phone in his pocket, then finished tying his laces and quietly sneaked out of the room. He wanted to run, but that would have been a little too loud, given that it _was_ in fact twenty minutes past midnight. He tiptoed down the main staircase and carefully slipped out of the front door. It was cool outside, but warm enough to manage without a jacket. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater over his hands and took a step towards the front yard when a hand gripped his arm and yanked him to the side. 

"Hey", he huffed a laugh as Sirius started dragging him towards the backyard. 

"Hey", Sirius grinned over his shoulder: "I want to show you something." 

Remus didn't object or try to snatch his hand back. He let Sirius lead him towards a small gathering of trees at the brim of their huge back garden. He tried to squint against the darkness, but it was pitch black and he couldn't make out a thing – until Sirius pulled out his phone flashlight and pointed it at the trees above them. 

"Wow", Remus breathed – it was the attic library scene all over again, only this time he was looking up at a huge three-story tree house. 

"After you", Sirius grinned, and Remus laughed. 

"Déjà-vu", he cocked an amused eyebrow at Sirius before grabbing the wooden ladder and starting to climb his way up. 

"Looks live you've practised", Sirius called from below him. 

"I built a tree house with my Dad when I was little", Remus said over his shoulder: "Spent my whole childhood there, pretty much." 

"That's nice", Sirius said as he finally reached the top after Remus and pushed himself onto the wooden floor: "Me and Reggie built this ages ago. I was like fourteen, I think." 

"Wow", Remus smiled softly. He felt his heart ache a little at the thought of having a little brother to do these sort of things with. He glanced down through the entry hole, feet hanging down towards the ground. They must have been at least four meters off the ground. "I used to read in my tree house all the time–" 

"Shocker." 

"–but I grew out of it eventually – the tree house, not reading." 

"Didn't need the explanation", Sirius smirked, and Remus huffed a laugh. He then stood up and walked over to the small round window on one wall, dragging his hand along the edge of it. "This is beautifully built." 

"Don't tell me you've got a degree in architecture, too", Sirius raised a brow. 

"Not me", Remus turned to look over his shoulder, grinning: "My Dad does." 

"Oh for goodness sake", Sirius let out a breathy laugh. He clung himself up, too, and nodded towards the ladder on the opposite wall: "Come on, the tour continues." 

Remus followed him onto the second floor, which was slightly smaller than the first one. He smiled as he looked around himself. It was the prettiest tree house he had ever seen. "You never told me what you studied", he suddenly said, glancing at Sirius. 

Sirius gave him a faint smile and looked out of the window. "Literature." 

"Oh", Remus raised his brows in surprise. That was unexpected. 

"I know, 'oh'", Sirius huffed a laugh. His eyes were cold. "That's pretty much how everyone reacts, especially if they know my Dad." 

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that", Remus said quickly. 

"No, of course business and finance or– _leadership_ or whatever – would have been the obvious choice for me", he smiled humourlessly: "Dear Dad would probably want you as his son–" 

"Stop that", Remus frowned, huffing in disbelief: "Don't say that, Sirius, come on." 

"Well, it's true", he looked down, folding his arms. After a few beats of silence, he looked up again, his expression now much softer: "We always talk about _my_ parents – tell me something about yours." 

"Well", Remus bit his lip, thinking: "Like I said, Dad's an architect. Mom is a nurse – she's a bookworm, too, even more so than I am." Remus glanced up at Sirius, who was smiling softly. He continued: "Dad loves camping, he taught me everything – we used to go on hikes all the time, sleep at the forest and everything. Haven't done that in ages." 

"I've never been", Sirius said, eyes wide: "What's it like? Camping?" 

"Oh", Remus laughed lightly, surprised by Sirius's eagerness to know: "Well, um– it's nice. Kind of exciting, especially at wilder places – you know, where there aren't much tourists. I know it's not for everyone, but... I love it." He smiled sheepishly, expecting Sirius to make some joke about him being a boy scout or something. But Sirius stared at him in awe, his mouth slightly ajar. 

"Can we go sometime?" he breathed, then cleared his throat and hurriedly added: "I mean, I'd love to go sometime, I might ask James or something..." He ducked his head. 

"Sure", Remus smiled, deciding to just go for it: "I could go with you – if you want." 

"Oh", Sirius looked back up from the floor. His cheeks looked slightly flushed in the dim light of the flashlight. "Would you?" 

"Yeah", Remus said softly. 

"Okay", Sirius matched his voice, then broke eye contact and jerked his head to the side. "Come on, got one more floor to show you." 

The highest floor didn't have walls, Remus now noticed, as they climbed up a thick robe attached to a pole on the roof of the tree house. Instead, there was a wooden fence going around the whole floor, and a little canopy sort of ceiling over their heads, supported up with long poles at each of the corners. Remus let out a gasp, doing a full 360 turn to get a proper look. Sirius grinned widely as Remus shook his head in disbelief. 

"I would have freaked out if this had been my tree house when I was a kid", he said, to which Sirius responded with a laugh. He finally turned off the flashlight and put his phone in his pocket. 

"Took us all summer to build", he smiled fondly at the memory: "Though the fact that we had to do it in secret made it a little harder." 

"What?" Remus spun around: "How–?" 

"Our neighbour gave us the supplies for it", Sirius nodded his head in the other direction, though Remus couldn't see anything because of the darkness: "This isn't technically our yard anymore, the line goes somewhere there", he pointed at the ground. 

"But... how come your father hasn't– does he not know?" 

"Please", Sirius laughed a bit coldly, but his eyes were warm as he looked at Remus: "As if he ever comes near the backyard anyway – Minerva takes care of the garden and everything, she obviously knows about this... she's always been good to us. She never got us in trouble for anything, Regulus and me." 

Remus smiled. He was so, _so_ glad that Sirius had a mother-like figure like Minerva in his life, even if his biological mother was around, too. From what Remus had heard, Walburga Black wasn't much of a mother at all. 

"Minerva seems to be an angel", Remus said gently, stepping a little closer to Sirius. He trusted the darkness enough to inch just a few more steps closer without drawing too much attention. Sirius's voice came from close up the next time he spoke, and Remus could feel his warm breath in the cold night air. 

"Yeah", Sirius said quietly, and Remus could hear his breathing pick up its pace slightly: "Yeah, she really is." 

It was perfectly quiet. Or awfully quiet: Remus couldn't decide whether he liked it or not. He could hear his own heartbeat. Out of impulse, he reached his hand out and stepped forward. Sirius stepped back at the exact same moment, and Remus let his hand drop back to his side. He was glad it was dark. Sirius couldn't see the disappointment on his face. But Remus wanted to see the look on _Sirius's_ face. It might have been a coincidence. A cruel sign from the universe that Remus shouldn't make a move. Besides, he didn't even know if Sirius was gay. And Sirius didn't know that _he_ was gay. Unless– 

"Have you spoken to James?" 

"What? Oh– not recently, he came over earlier this week but... no, not for a few days." 

"Oh. Okay." 

"Why?" 

"No reason, I just– did he say something about me?" 

"He did, actually", Sirius said slowly: "Something about Lily speaking to him about you." 

There it was. Remus felt like a stone was dropped inside his stomach. He wasn't mad at Lily – Sirius was bound to find out at some point, anyway. But Remus would have wanted to tell him himself, when the time was right. If the time ever was right. 

"Well, now you know, I guess–" 

"Know what?" Sirius asked, bemused. Remus blinked. 

"Um– wait, what did James say, exactly?" 

"Nothing much", Sirius sounded confused: "Something about you and Lils having a few crazy years back in higher education, nothing specific." 

"Oh." Well, fuck. He nearly just outed himself by accident. 

"Why do you ask?" Sirius pushed, and Remus could feel him stepping a few inches closer: "What did you think he had said?" 

"Nothing", Remus shook his head quickly, though he very well knew that Sirius couldn't see. They fell quiet again, and this time it was far from perfect. It was near tormenting, in Remus's opinion. He could only hope that Sirius couldn't hear his heart running a marathon. He himself could practically hear Sirius's mind working a mile a minute to come up with something to say. The anticipation made the situation all the worse. 

"Remus", Sirius finally said, and Remus held his breath: "Are you– are you gay?" The last word came out quiet, like Sirius dreaded saying it. Remus stared at the direction of his voice. He felt like his feet had been glued to the wooden floor beneath him. He could hear nothing but the blood coursing through his veins as he braced himself for what would happen next. 

"Yes", he whispered: "Are... are you?" 

He held his breath again, unintentionally, as Sirius quietly took in the question. If the anticipation had felt terrible before, it was nothing compared to what Remus was experiencing now. It had gone so quiet he wasn't even sure if Sirius was still there. 

"No", he heard him whisper at last, and he could have fallen to his knees. It felt like a rug had been pulled out from under him. He was certainly glad Sirius couldn't see him, now. "No, I'm not", he continued quietly: "But I appreciate you being honest. And it... it really makes no difference, just so you know." 

"Yeah", Remus let out a shaky breath, feeling like there was no more air left in his lungs: "Yeah, of course... I'm not– Lily knows, and a lot of my friends from back home, too. And my Mom and Dad." 

"Okay", Sirius whispered, and Remus could hear that he had backed out a little again: "Okay, that's good." 

"Yeah, it is", he said, to Sirius or to himself, he wasn't sure. And then he heard Sirius move towards the exit, and he had to bite his lip to stop the tears from coming. 

"Let's get back", Sirius said tonelessly: "It's late." 


	8. Chapter 8

**Remus** : Are you up?

**Lily** : Yes, everything okay?

Remus bit his lip and typed.

**Remus** : Can I call?

He didn't have to. Lily's picture popped up on his screen – the one he had taken of her back in Brighton. She was wearing a huge hat and pulling a face at the camera. Remus swiped to accept the call.

"Hey", he choked into the phone.

"Hi", Lily responded immediately: "What's up? It's late–"

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Remus sniffed, aware that his voice was quivery.

"No, dear", Lily rushed to say: "No, I was just watching football with James – he has to have the TV on full volume, I can't sleep– what's up?"

"I–" Remus started, but then closed his eyes and cussed to himself. He felt stupid now for calling Lily, even though he knew she would understand. But still, he was upset at Sirius over nothing. "I told him", he finally breathed, because he had already made the call. He would have felt even more stupid, had he backed out now.

"Told who what?" Lily asked gently. Remus held the phone away from himself when he sniffed again and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his shirt.

"Sirius", he said blankly: "That I'm gay."

"Oh", Lily breathed on the other end of the line: " _Oh_ – hold on, James, be right back." Remus could hear her getting up from the bed and patting her way into a different room. He smiled despite himself. Trust Lily to always be there for you. "You told him?" she now whispered, and Remus let his chin drop to his chest as he smiled ruefully.

"I did."

"And– why?" Lily asked – she sounded curious, not demanding. Remus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.

"I don't know", he said. Yes he did. He knew exactly why he had told him. Because he had hoped that Sirius would say that he's gay, too. He realized it now, how much he had actually wanted to hear that. He shook his head, even though he knew Lily couldn't see. There was no point in him lying to her. "I thought maybe... he was..." He didn't finish the sentence, because he felt like an idiot now. Lily made a sound of realization.

"Oh, Remus", she said softly: "Oh. I– do you like him?"

Remus pressed his shut and winced.

"Yes."

"OH!" Lily gasped, excited.

"Has he ever said anything...?" 

"Well, no", Lily said with a little sigh, and Remus could practically see her biting her lip as she tried to come up with something that wouldn't upset him. "But I've only seen him that once after Paris, and he didn't really keep in touch while he was there... I wouldn't know, really. But Remus, that's– that's... I don't know, is that good? What did he say?"

"That it doesn't change a thing–"

"That's good!"

"And that he's not. Gay. Not gay. Straight."

"Oh", Lily went quiet for a little while: "Sorry, Rem, that really sucks... did he give you a reason to believe that he was?"

"Well", Remus crashed down on his bed, rubbing his face again. There it was. "No." Lily had a point, even though she didn't know it herself. Sirius had not given him any signs or a reason to believe that he was gay. Remus had just taken what he'd been given and made up those signs himself. "No, not really."

"Okay", Lily's voice was gentle again: "It's okay, Remus, you can't control these things – you know, who you like and stuff. It's not the end of the world... did you tell him you like him?"

"No, god no", Remus huffed a laugh: "He practically left anyway, right after I told him. I don't know. Maybe it was obvious to him that I like him, maybe that's what scared him away."

"Oh, Rem", Lily's voice sounded sympathetic: "These things happen, and it's not your fault – it's nobody's fault, it's okay to like someone! It's just... well, if he can't return those feelings..."

"I know", Remus dropped his head back, groaning: "I know."

"Look, I'm so glad that you called, but maybe we could rather talk over coffee?" Lily asked sweetly, and Remus nodded before remembering she really couldn't see him.

"That would be nice", he said weakly. He got the sudden urge to just curl up into a ball and sleep until the morning. He glanced at the clock. It was two in the morning – he had to get up in five hours. "Um, I have work in the morning but how about after that? Noon-ish?"

"Sounds great", Lily said right away: "And don't beat yourself up for it, really, Remus. If he said it doesn't change anything, then there's nothing to worry about."

"Yeah", Remus said. _Except my feelings._ "Thanks, Lils. You're amazing."

"Love you."

"Love you too. Bye."

"Bye!"

Remus let the phone drop onto his bed and fell back onto the sheets. He must have fallen asleep right then and there, because the next thing he knew, someone was knocking on his door sharply. Remus's eyes snapped open and he turned his head to look at the clock on the wall.

" _Fuck_ ", he breathed. It was half past seven and he was still in bed, unshowered and last night's clothes on. "Coming!" he shouted, then threw the sheets aside and ran towards the door. He opened it slightly, trying to cover the fact that he had woken up ten seconds prior. "Oh."

"Um, morning", Regulus said awkwardly: "Minerva sent me to get you, she says there's breakfast downstairs – you've got that meeting in an hour?"

"Yeah", Remus breathed: "Yeah, sorry. Fuck, I forgot to set an alarm last night. Sorry."

"No worries", Regulus gave a tight smile: "Just, um, get ready and grab something to eat. Dad's already in Islington, he said you can take the Mercedes."

"Okay, thanks", Remus said, praying in his mind that Regulus wouldn't tell his father about his mess-up. Regulus sent him another faint smile before closing the door. Remus groaned and grabbed his towel from where he'd flung it over the chair, then headed straight into the bathroom. It was a mistake, taking the shower. Last night's events came flooding back to him with the water, and he would have rather forgotten about it. He turned the shower off after three minutes and climbed out, quickly brushing his teeth and haphazardly drying his hair before hurrying downstairs.

Minerva greeted her brightly when he entered the kitchen. Remus flashed her a smile as Regulus entered the room behind him. "Where's your brother, dear?" Minerva asked, glancing over her shoulder as she turned the stove off.

"Sulking in his room", Regulus said pointedly, biting into an apple: "Said he's not feeling well."

"Oh", Minerva tutted sympathetically: "Has he caught a cold?"

"Doubt it", Regulus mumbled, but Minerva looked like she hadn't heard. Remus felt terrible. He had a feeling he knew exactly why Sirius wasn't leaving his room – he'd probably feel just fine as soon as Remus was out of the house.

He gratefully ate the scrambled eggs that Minerva troweled onto his plate and downed two cups of coffee to make up for his lack of sleep.

"I'll take Sirius's plate down for him", Minerva then said and poured him a cup of steaming hot herbal tea ("This will cure any flu in seconds!"). Regulus rolled his eyes when Minerva was out of sight.

"She's too gullible", he muttered: "Bet he's just hungover and being a wimp about it."

"Yeah", Remus attempted a smile: "Maybe."

***

Remus left the Islington office five hours later with the two Swedish businessmen in the car with him. They had had one final meeting earlier that morning (Mr Black had come up with some excuse about Sirius, which Remus had to play along with) and he was now driving them to the airport to catch their flight back to Stockholm. They were chattering happily in Swedish, and every once in a while turned to say something to Remus in English. Remus smiled back politely and answered their questions – not all businessmen were like Orion Black, he supposed.

After dropping them off at Heathrow Airport, Remus made his way into town where he met up with Lily in a coffee shop called Dobby's. She was already waiting for him at a corner table, two big mugs of tea and a piece of chocolate cake on a plate with two forks in front of her. She smiled at Remus and got up to give him a hug before sitting back down. "I got us some comfort food", she gestured at the delicious-looking cake.

"I can see", Remus grinned: "You know me so well. Thanks, Lils."

"Of course", Lily smiled sweetly: "How are you?"

"Tired", Remus smiled faintly: "Went to bed quite late, as you know..."

"Wait", Lily frowned slightly, pointing her empty fork at Remus: "Before you called me– what were you doing?"

Remus felt himself blush and smiled sheepishly. Lily's eyes widened. "Well", he started carefully: "We might have been... together. With Sirius."

"Wait, together?!" Lily gasped. Remus shook his head rapidly.

"No, no, not _together_ together", he let out a shaky laugh: "But... together. Outside."

"Outside?"

"Um, yeah", Remus cocked his head and looked at Lily shyly. He couldn't help but smile a little, thinking about last night. Well, a part of it. The first part, not the last.

"Oh-kay", Lily said slowly, a little surprised. Remus smiled wider. "And who initiated this late-night outing?"

Remus's smile faded a little. "Sirius."

Lily, on the other hand, smiled a little wider. "Oh?" she cocked a sly eyebrow: "Well... that must mean _something_ , right?"

Remus shrugged. He'd thought so, too, but that line of thinking had come to a sudden end. "Maybe", he said with a tight smile: "But he wouldn't have left if he–" The rest of the sentence got stuck somewhere in his throat, and he ended up just closing his mouth and taking a sip of tea from his humongous light blue mug.

"You don't know that, though", Lily said, reaching her hand over the table to gently squeeze Remus's. She left it there, and Remus smiled looking down at it. Her touch felt so familiar and comforting. "You don't know what he's going through", she continued gently: "He might be struggling with it, you know, and maybe he just doesn't know how to bring it up with anyone. Maybe he doesn't feel ready."

"I know", Remus said, and he really _did_ know: he'd been there himself, just a couple of years ago. "But he might just as well not be into guys at all", he insisted, looking at Lily straight in the eyes before withdrawing his hand to reach for his fork: "I just thought... we seem to connect so well. _So well_ , Lily." He gave a breathy laugh despite himself, almost in disbelief. He brought the fork into his mouth and hummed contently. "Wow. We're coming here again."

Lily smiled at him affectionately before taking her mug in both hands and holding it up to her lips. "I just..." she started thoughtfully and set the mug back on the table: "It's weird to me that he would ask you out – not _out_ out, but out – and then just... I don't know." She raised her eyes to look at Remus and bit her lip nervously. "Um, can I ask you..." she eyed him warily: "How did it come up? That you're gay?"

"He asked me", Remus said blankly, as if that was just a normal thing for anyone to ask at the top of a three-story tree house in the middle of the night.

"Right", Lily nodded seriously: "And... how does that sound to you?"

"I know!" Remus let his hands fall to the table: "I know, Lily, and that's exactly what I thought, too, but... god, I don't know. He's so hard to read most of the time."

"I think you should talk to him about it."

"I don't think he wants to talk to me about it."

"Maybe he just doesn't know _how_!"

"Well, that's helpful", Remus muttered, glancing to his left and biting the inside of his cheek. When he turned back, Lily was giving her one of those stern mother-like looks, head cocked slightly forward and eyebrows raised severely. "I'm sorry!" Remus said: "I know it's not your fault, but... _fuck_ , what do I _do_?"

"Talk to him!" Lily said, hands gesturing animatedly: "At least then you'll know!"

"I know you're right!" Remus sighed, dropping his head back and closing his eyes. "But what if– what if _I'm_ scared, too?"

"You're allowed to feel frightened", Lily's voice was gentle again as she reached over the table to stroke his arm: "But Remus, you're also the bravest person I know–" Remus snorted. " _Yes_ ,you are! And you'll get through it, but you can't do much if you don't know how he feels, can you?"

"No", he sighed in defeat: "No, I can't, you're absolutely right. As always."

"Well", Lily smiled wryly and shrugged: " _Someone_ has to be, surrounded by you lot of idiots."

"Hey!" Remus laughed, poking his tongue out at her: "Okay, you're right. Glad it's you."

"Promise me you'll talk to him?" she smiled sweetly again, inclining her head a tad to give him a serious look.

"I promise", Remus said firmly, and he meant it.

***

"Hey", he stepped into the kitchen two hours later. Sirius was standing shoulder to shoulder with Minerva and laughing as he popped a cherry tomato into his mouth while she stirred something on the stove.

"Oop", Sirius ducked, turning around and heading towards the door: "Gotta go, sorry Minnie–"

"No you don't", Remus grabbed him by the sleeve of his shirt, before turning to Minerva: "I'm going to lend him for a bit, Minerva, if that's okay?"

"He's all yours", Minerva said from the stove without turning around. Remus saw Sirius give her a pleading look, but he was already dragging him out of the kitchen and towards the main hallway. They stopped outside the dining room, and Remus finally let go of Sirius's shirt.

"Why are you avoiding me?" he asked bluntly. Sirius blinked.

"No I'm not."

"You said it wouldn't change a thing", Remus ignored him and folded his arms.

"It _doesn't_ ", Sirius frowned, his mouth slightly ajar. His eyes were darting between Remus's.

"Then _why are you avoiding me_?" Remus asked again with a disbelieving laugh.

"I'm not!" Sirius threw his hands up and let them flop back to his sides: "What are you on about?!"

"You practically left me there last night, after I told you!" Remus threw his hands in the air, too, aware that he was nearly shouting now: "And then you're nowhere to be seen at breakfast–"

"I was sleeping."

"–and then you try to flee the second I walk into the room!"

"Okay, that was me avoiding you", Sirius admitted, biting back a smile. Remus scoffed.

"So you _were_ avoiding me!"

"Well, not _on purpose_ –"

"Oh, of course not."

"Remus!" Sirius breathed, blinking at him: "I didn't– it really doesn't matter to me! You know, whether you're gay or not!"

"Keep it down, will you?" Remus hissed, looking around himself, then back at Sirius: "Not everybody knows! I haven't– I haven't told _everyone_."

Sirius stared at him, and Remus was glad to see some remorse in his eyes.

"I'm sorry", Sirius whispered: "I'm sorry, I know it must have not been easy for you to tell me– and I didn't exactly react the way I should have."

"Oh", Remus blinked in surprise. Well, that took an unexpected turn. "How– what do you mean?"

"That I shouldn't have left", Sirius said more firmly, leaning a little closer. His eyes were determined. "I'm sorry, that was a shitty thing to do."

Remus stared back at him, then let out a sigh and shrugged his shoulder. "It _was_ a pretty big revelation–"

"I asked you", Sirius insisted, eyes wide as he shook his head: "I shouldn't have asked you, I– I feel like I pressured you into telling me."

"You didn't", Remus shook his head: "I swear you didn't, I wanted to tell you – at least I think I did – I just needed a push in the right direction, I guess."

"But still", Sirius shook his head, too: "I should't have. I mean, I cornered you and then basically shot the question at you." He laughed humourlessly and shook his head again, looking down at his feet. He looked back up to meet Remus's eyes and swallowed. "I'm really sorry. So, _so_ sorry."

"I believe you", Remus put in: "Honestly, I'm glad it got out – and I asked you, too, remember? And I just... well, you didn't quite give me the answer I expected." He breathed out through his nose, his heart beating a mile a minute at what he was about to say. "The answer I hoped for."

Sirius blinked at him again, eyes wide with realization. He swallowed, eyes observing Remus's. "Oh", he managed to choke out. Remus winced. Not the response he'd hoped for, again, but at least it was out there now.

"Please don't let this become weird", Remus said, eyes firm. "Don't, um– I can still be your friend, I promise I'm fine with just that, and I understand if–"

"Remus", Sirius said blankly, shaking his head slowly from side to side. "It's okay. I don't– you don't have to worry about it. It's okay, really."

"Okay", Remus breathed: "Okay, yeah. Um– cool."

Well. How does one get out of a situation like this? He couldn't just walk back to his room, surely. Or maybe that's exactly what he should do. It would seem a bit stupid if he just stood there.

"Um, well– bye, I'll just–" he nodded in the direction of the main staircase. Sirius opened his mouth, but then closed it again and gave an awkward smile. Well, this was _definitely_ going to change things. "See you at dinner."

"Mm", was all Sirius could manage, and then Remus was climbing up the stairs with shaky feet and cussing himself in his mind. This probably wasn't what Lily had meant when she had told him to talk to Sirius. He heard the door to Sirius' room slam shut and stopped in place. He pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and snorted a laugh despite himself. That couldn't have gone any worse.

***

Over the next few days, Remus thought it best that _he_ started avoiding _Sirius_ – which turned out to be an easier task than expected, given that Mr Black had him running from one place to another all week. Or maybe Sirius was just avoiding him, too. Either way, they barely saw each other other than randomly at meal times, if they happened to wander into the kitchen at the same time. And even then, it was Minerva or Regulus who kept the conversation going. 

On Thursday, after a day of sorting through dozens of minutes, Remus was glad to finish early and head upstairs into the library for a good hour or two of reading. He was glad to find that Regulus wasn't there, and he seated himself on the window seat, back leaned onto the wall and legs splayed straight on the sill. He couldn't quite believe how perfect it was – only one more day of work and then he'd have the whole weekend off. Mr Black was flying to Dublin with Regulus for some sort of expo, and Remus was off the duty. He really didn't mind. 

What he did mind, though, was hearing the trap door creak open half an hour later, Sirius's head appearing through it as he climbed up. Remus gave a little sigh and kept reading his book, purposefully avoiding eye contact with Sirius. Sirius didn't seem to mind the cold welcome. 

"Hey", he said and strode over. He sat down on the windowsill so that Remus had to quickly pull his feet out from under him. 

"Hey", he said and exaggeratedly swung his legs to hang towards the floor before looking down at his book again: "What are you doing?" 

"You told me to stop avoiding you." 

"Yeah, not to start following me..." Remus mumbled. 

"What a week", Sirius ignored him and stretched out his arms, so that Remus had to duck to avoid being hit. "I'm exhausted." 

Remus lifted his brows but kept his eyes on the book. Sirius continued like he had gotten a normal response instead of silent treatment. "Been trailing Dad all week, all these boring meetings and stuff – well, you know. You've been to those." 

"Mmph." 

"Glad that he's going away for the weekend." 

"Mm." 

"When are we going camping?" 

Remus lifted his eyes slightly, staring at the space in front of him. "What?" he asked blankly. 

"I said when are going camping?" Sirius repeated, swinging his legs over the edge like a child: "You said you'd go with me." 

"Sirius", Remus sighed and closed his book with a thump. He turned his head to look at Sirius, who was looking at him obliviously. Remus closed his eyes and rubbed his face with his hand. "I don't think that's a good idea." 

"What?" Sirius snorted: "Since when?" 

"Well..." 

"Friends go camping!" Sirius said, rotating his body to get a better view of Remus. Remus tilted his head to look at him. 

"Yeah, they do." 

"Yeah. So, when?" 

"Well", Remus turned back and clung himself off the windowsill. "I don't know, it takes a bit of planning. And I still don't know when I'll be working, so." 

"Fine, just let me know", Sirius said brightly and jumped down, too: "We're going to the movies tomorrow, Lily and James and I. If you want to join." 

He did, but it sounded an awful lot like a sneaky double date organized by Lily. He knew she meant well, but she could be awfully optimistic when it came to these sort of things. 

"I don't know..."

"Oh, come on!" Sirius cocked his head to the side and gave him a pleading look: "It's the new _Mulan_ , Lils is dying to see it. Or so James told me – I think _he's_ the one excited about seeing it." 

"But I hate princess movies!" Remus exclaimed, giving Sirius his best look of disdain. 

"Me too!" Sirius said, gesturing with his hands: "But _Mulan_ 's different, and Lily really is dying to get you to come with us." 

"Ugh, fine, for Lily's sake", Remus rolled his eyes: "But I'll have you know, I _loathe_ fairytales." 

***

The next evening, Remus was in the middle of tying his shoelaces when Sirius entered his room, apparently forgetting how to knock. Remus pointed this out, to which Sirius responded by tutting. 

"Oh, _dear lord_ , nearly walked in on you without your shoes on!" he exclaimed, biting back a smirk as Remus glowered at him. Sirius started tapping his foot impatiently while Remus walked over to his dresser to put on his watch and grab his phone from the charger. 

"Can you stop fidgeting?" he asked over shoulder, coming off more annoyed than he had intended to. Sirius stopped his foot and swung his head back, groaning. 

"You're taking forever." 

"You're being annoying", Remus muttered. He was more irritated by Sirius's sudden change of attitudes, really, but he didn't want to tell him that. 

"It feels like you're the one avoiding _me_ now", Sirius replied calmly, now starting to tap the door frame. He seemed unfazed about the issue, which Remus thought was even more infuriating. Why couldn't _he_ be so cool about Sirius avoiding him? Instead, he had just panicked and confronted Sirius about it, like he couldn't stand him not being around all the time. That felt a little pathetic now. 

"Maybe I am", he turned around and glanced up from his wrist, where he was putting the watch on. Sirius cocked him an eyebrow, but continued with his task. Remus walked over to him and moved his hand away from the door frame. "Stop that." 

"Sorry", Sirius raised another eyebrow and withdrew his hand. 

"Let's go", Remus sighed and walked past him and towards the staircase. Sirius followed close behind, taking long but casual strides. Perfectly, annoyingly cool in every situation. 

"Nope, I'm driving", Sirius said when Remus automatically walked over to the driver's side of the car. Remus raised his brows in amusement. 

"And are you going to drive us back, too?" he asked, switching sides and climbing into the passenger's seat. 

"Of course", Sirius glanced at him sideways as he put on his safety belt. Remus just cocked an eyebrow at him before settling back on the seat. He kept his mouth shut the whole journey, eyes fixed firmly on the road. He noticed Sirius try and catch his eye a few times, but he decisively ignored him. He knew that having one proper look at Sirius would melt him immediately, and after the conversation they had had only a week prior, that wasn't really ideal. 

Sirius parked the car half an hour later, and they entered the cinema to find James and Lily already there, four tickets and two large containers of popcorn in hand. Lily grinned at them and led them into the auditorium, where they took their seats and watched the pre-movie commercials. Remus, much to his annoyance, was seated next to Sirius and had to share his popcorn with him (another part of Lily's quite endearing but very much obvious scheme). She kept sending them sly glances, which Remus felt was a little over-the-top. She probably thought she was helping, but Remus had a feeling she was doing the complete opposite. 

"Oi", she leaned in to whisper after ten minutes had passed of the movie. So far it didn't seem as bad as Remus had anticipated. "It doesn't seem like he's avoiding you", she whispered and nodded at Sirius, whose eyes were fixed on the screen. Remus sighed and leaned in closer so that Sirius certainly wouldn't hear. 

"That's because he has taken a completely different approach", he mumbled: "He's been very... attention-seeking since yesterday." 

"Oh", Lily raised her brows, and Remus knew what was coming next: "So have you... talked?" 

Remus sighed and gave her a faint smile. "Not like that." 

"Okay", Lily whispered and turned back to the movie: "Sorry if I'm intruding." 

"Not at all", Remus replied quickly, because he didn't want to seem ungrateful. He turned back to the screen, too, and tried not to look too bored. He fell into deep thought, but was interrupted again, this time by Sirius, sitting on his right-hand side. Remus's body shivered when Sirius's voice was suddenly whispering into his ear. 

"Why don't you like fairytales?" 

Remus shifted slightly, and allowed himself to look at Sirius. He had turned on his seat and was now properly facing Remus, his signature _fucking charming_ grin on his face. Remus bit back a smirk as he leaned his head back on the headrest and looked up at the screen. 

"I don't like happy endings, and fairytales always have those", he said, glancing sideways at Sirius, who looked happy that Remus was speaking to him. "They're always so predictable." 

"Well, I completely agree", Sirius nodded, settling back himself. He was quiet for a while, and the turned to face Remus again: "Did you really just say you don't like happy endings?" 

"I didn't mean it like that", Remus let out a light laugh, forgetting for a moment that they were in a cinema. He lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned a little closer to Sirius, not wanting to disturb anyone else. "I just don't like the ones where everything is perfect all of a sudden – you know, like these princess stories. Fairytales." 

"Mm", Sirius shrugged in response, staring thoughtfully at the screen: "I get that. I hate fairytales, too." 

"Oh?" Remus raised his brows and looked at him again. Their eyes met, and Sirius nodded solemnly. 

"Never liked them. Well, I actually _dread_ them", he mumbled, his eyes turning cold for a second: "They always made me feel worse as a kid, because I knew life couldn't be like that. A happy ending like that doesn't just _happen_." 

"Right?" Remus exclaimed eagerly in a hushed voice, and Sirius flashed him a smile. The rest of the film they sat in companionable silence, and Remus didn't want to admit it, but _Mulan_ wasn't too bad in the end. At least it was better than the _Cinderella_ and _Sleeping Beauty_ type of stories where the whole plot was built around a damsel in distress and a Prince Charming who made everything better with a snap of his fingers. Those were the type of fairytales _he_ dreaded. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus go camping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this all into one part but then realized it was way too long, so the second part will be up later! Probably tomorrow after I've proofread it. So more camping stuff coming soon! :)

Sirius woke up covered in sweat again. This was getting crazy. A little too crazy, in fact, given that it was the third time that week that he had woken up panting and rock hard. And as if that wasn't enough, he could vividly remember what he had dreamed about right before flinching awake. It was always the same face, the face that greeted him every morning at breakfast, perfectly oblivious that Sirius was having wet dreams about him. _Fucking Remus._

This wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Sirius had thought that Marc had been an exception. An exploration, which he was happy to leave in Paris and forget about. And he _had_ forgotten about Marc, at least for the most part, but he couldn't seem to be able to forget the feeling of having another man's skin touching his. And that's where Remus bloody Lupin stepped into the picture. That's who Sirius thought about as he stepped into the shower and took care of his morning erection. Call it creepy, whatever, it's a basic human need. 

He was at a loose end, really. It was undeniable that he was drawn towards Remus somehow. That night in the tree house, nearly two weeks ago, he had come so close to spilling it. Then he had avoided Remus for a bit, until he just couldn't do it anymore, couldn't bear staying away from him. And then Remus had started avoiding _him_ , which was just comical. Until that night at the cinema, when things seemed to have gotten back to normal. Well, almost–

"Good morning, dear", Minerva smiled at him over her cup of coffee: "Don't you look content this morning." 

Sirius smiled back at her and went to pour himself a cup. There was a reason to his contentment, and it contained a shower and a certain someone, but he couldn't bloody well tell Minerva that. "Slept well", he replied instead, which she seemed to accept as an answer. Sirius grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and sat down opposite to her at the table. "Um, where's Remus?" he suddenly asked, noticing his absence. They had eaten breakfast together – well, _at the same time_ , at least – every day that week. 

"Your father's dragging him along today, once again", she sighed, shaking her head: "I honestly don't know how the poor boy does it – Orion hasn't said a bad word about him after hiring him." 

Sirius smiled a little at that. That was good. That meant Remus was staying. "Yeah, well he's quite a people-pleaser, from what I've gathered", he mused: "But honestly, I don't know how he does it, either. My head would have exploded by now." 

"Quite", Minerva gave him a knowing smile: "He deserves a bit of time off, in my opinion." 

"Yeah, well try telling that to Dad", Sirius mumbled, sipping on his coffee. He was half glad that Remus wasn't there, because images of last night's dream suddenly came back to him. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and focus his attention back to Minerva. 

"Oh, I will", she was saying, a determined look on her face: "I'm going to convince him to give Remus another weekend off myself, if I have to... he mentioned he enjoys camping, maybe he would like to do that this week – the weather forecast is looking rather perfect." 

"Yeah, we've spoken about that", Sirius said, a little too eagerly, earning a surprised glance from Minerva. 

"You have?" she asked, bringing her mug back to her lips, probably to hide the smirk that Sirius knew had formed on her face. 

"Well, yeah..." he replied sheepishly: "I mentioned I've never been and he– well, he said he would take me." 

"Well that sounds nice", Minerva said, probably trying to sound nonchalant. Sirius got the sudden feeling that she knew more than she led on. "I can inform your father that the both of you are busy this weekend–" 

"You don't have to do that, Minnie", Sirius shook his head quickly: "I don't want him to lash out on you." 

"As if he dares to lash out on me", Minerva cocked her head to the side, and Sirius laughed. That was true – Minerva was the only person that Orion listened to, and that had always been Sirius and Regulus's saving grace. Still was. "And we have two tents in the shed, I'm sure they're in okay condition, given their lack of use..." 

Sirius nodded. That was also true. He was pretty sure no one had ever laid a finger on those tents before. 

"Okay, I'll ask him about it – I'm not even sure if he wants me to go with him–" 

"I'm sure he does." 

"–but yeah, thanks, Minnie. Honestly, you're the best." 

Minerva gave him a fond smile before nodding towards the sink. "Come on, help me do the dishes, Bear Grylls." 

***

"Remus." 

Remus turned around slowly, his hand on the doorknob. 

"Sirius." 

"Good news, Minerva got you the weekend off." 

"Oh?" Remus let his hand slide down from the doorknob as he turned to properly face Sirius. "Why? I mean, that's great, but why?" 

"Well, she seems to think that you're in need of a break – which I completely agree with", Sirius said, stepping a little closer: "The weather's looking great, if you want to go camping or something." 

Remus nodded, narrowing his eyes. He _did_ want to go camping, it had been too long, but he hadn't exactly thought to bring his gear with him to London. He told Sirius that. 

"Don't you worry", Sirius said briskly: "We've got a tent in the shed– well... two tents, actually." 

"Oh?" Remus tilted his head slightly. Well, this took a turn. "Are you coming with me?" 

"Only if you want to!" Sirius hurried to say, reaching his hand forward. He glanced down at it and let it flop back to his side, before looking up at Remus again. "Just say if you want to go alone – hell, you don't have to go _at all_ if you don't want to – but, well... I'm free, too, so." 

"No, of course", Remus said quickly: "I'd love the company." _Love_? Jesus _fuck_ , that came out wrong. Sirius didn't seem fazed. 

"Alright", Sirius nodded with a smile before backing out towards the staircase: "Um, after that meeting tomorrow?" 

"Perfect", Remus replied, reaching for the doorknob again. His cheeks felt red. _Love_. Ugh. 

***

Sirius was nervous. He had never been this nervous in his life, and he didn't even know _why_ he was nervous. Well, maybe because he had never spent a night outside in his life, at least not in complete wilderness (the tree house didn't count, according to Remus), and now he was going to spend the whole weekend outside. _With_ Remus. 

They had had a dinner meeting only an hour previous, which had gone surprisingly well – Orion had even been bearable – and were now both in their respective rooms packing everything ready for the weekend. Only, Sirius had no fucking clue what to take with him, so he had to resort to Google. He was still fairly sure Remus was going to laugh at him for being so inept, and he didn't even care. Remus could laugh at him all he wanted, his laugh was adorable. 

They met up at the car half an hour later, and Sirius quickly ran into the shed to get the two identical navy blue tents and two sleeping bags. 

"Are you joking?" Remus took them from him and spun them around in his arms: "You have gear _this good_ just laying around in your garden shed? That should be criminal." 

Sirius smirked. "Arrest me, then", he said, to which Remus didn't respond. Sirius kicked himself internally as he climbed over to the passenger's side. They hadn't even left the house yet and he had already made a fool out of himself. 

"I looked up some hiking routes", Remus was saying as he started the car and reached for his phone to set up the navigation app. "I booked us a spot from this campsite called The Secret Campsite–" 

"In Sussex, right?" Sirius frowned slightly. He was pretty sure Lily and James had gone there last summer. 

"Right", Remus nodded: "And, well... since this is your first time, I thought it'd be good since they have loos and a little shop and stuff like that near the campsite." He sent Sirius an amused glance, to which Sirius responded by scoffing. 

"Ouch", he said in a fake hurt voice as Remus pulled out of the driveway: "I'll have you know, I'm quite the expert in everything that has to do with nature and wildlife." 

"Oh, are you now?" Remus raised his brows, playing along. 

"Oh yes, you'll see", Sirius cocked an eyebrow: "But having normal loos doesn't hurt, I suppose..." Remus laughed, shaking his head. 

"Honestly, I don't know how this is going to go", he said, glancing at Sirius again: "Usually I just have myself to look after, not some posh Londoner who has never stepped a foot into the woods." 

"Hey!" Sirius laughed as he slapped Remus's arm: "That is _not_ true, I happened to build a three-story tree house as a kid, remember?" 

"How could I forget?" Remus smiled, fixing his eyes back on the road. Sirius smiled to himself. He did feel a bit better now that he knew that there would be some civilization nearby, and really, having proper loos and access to food was a saving grace – though Minerva had gone out of her way to prepare them food to survive for a whole week if they had to. It was all safely packed into the cooler in the back of the car. 

They arrived in East Sussex a good hour later, and Remus parked the car at the designated spot before jumping out a leaning his head back to inhale the warm summer air. Being the end of June, it was the perfect weather for a weekend getaway, and Sirius started to finally relax. Only one more thing he wanted to take care of... 

"Give me your phone", he said to Remus as he walked around the car, his hand reached forward. 

"Pardon?" Remus opened his eyes and straightened his head again. 

"Your phone", Sirius ordered: "I'm not taking any chances, who knows when father will call one of us and force us back home." 

"I must say", Remus started as he reached for his pocket to pull out his phone and charger and hand them to Sirius, "I'm impressed. I thought you couldn't go an hour without your phone." 

Sirius opened his mouth in mock surprise. "Oh, that is thick coming from _you_ ", he shook his head as he reached to place Remus's phone into the centre console of the car. "You're the one whose phone is glued to their hand." 

"We both know that's not true", Remus folded his arms and leaned onto the side of the car. He raised his brows when Sirius pulled out his own phone and started typing. 

"What?" he glanced up and cocked his head to the side: "I've got to let Reggie and James know that we're out of reach for the weekend." 

"Fair enough", Remus shrugged, then went to open the trunk of the car and started pulling out the tents and their rucksacks. Sirius sent three texts, one to Regulus, one to James and one to Minerva, before placing his phone into the centre console and closing the lid. 

"Alright, where can we set up camp?" he asked, straightening up and slamming the car door shut. Remus pointed in the direction of a path that led into what looked like a little field. 

"Somewhere over there, we have to get the map from the main building", he now nodded at the wooden cottage next to the parking area. 

"I'll do that", Sirius offered eagerly, before grabbing one of the rucksacks from Remus and jumping his way to the main building. He returned shortly, a map of the campsite and a little tourist leaflet in his hand. "Said we're on the very edge of the campsite", he swung the map in the air. 

"Alright", Remus nodded, hoisting a rucksack onto his shoulder and grabbing the tents. He gestured at the cooler on the ground: "Carry that, will you?" 

"Sure thing", Sirius lifted the cooler with his free hand, before nodding towards the path: "Follow me." 

"Look at you taking the lead", Remus mused, earning a glare from Sirius: "What? I'm just saying, for someone who's never done this before..." 

"I'm not _completely_ useless", Sirius said as he squinted against the sunlight. The sun was already setting, casting a golden light over the hays and trees surrounding them. It looked absolutely beautiful. The campsite itself looked pretty much empty – there were a few tents here and there, but they were splayed out all over the site and the whole area looked pretty peaceful. Perfect. Their designated tent area was situated at the far end of it, and the surrounding vegetation and hays offered some shelter. They could hardly see the other tents from their spot; it was like they were in a bubble of their own. Sirius loved it. 

***

Remus watched from the side as Sirius took in the beautiful scenery. They weren't far off from the town, but the field made it look like they were. Sirius looked adorable as he took a slow 360 turn and scanned the area in awe. He turned back to Remus and shook his head. 

"Why haven't I ever done this before?" 

Remus shrugged. "Valid question." Then, because he knew that Sirius had never probably even touched a tent before, he asked: "Right, shall we both set up our own tents?" 

The brief look of panic in Sirius's eyes made it worth it. 

"Remus..." he said slowly, glancing at the tents: "You know I don't _actually_ know how to do shit like this?"

"I know", Remus smirked: "I was joking, of course I'll help you – but you're not getting out of it that easily, you've got to learn. Come on, I'll instruct you as you go." 

And so they began setting up their tents, Remus guiding Sirius through it as he simultaneously set up his own. When they had placed the last pegs down, Sirius took a step back and admired his work. 

"Okay, that wasn't as bad as I thought", he said slowly: "And I can definitely see why you like this." He gestured at the sky, which had turned into a beautiful mixture of pink and gold. 

"Good", Remus said contently. He unzipped his tent and peeked inside. They were good quality – proper REI two-person tents – and Remus shouldn't have expected anything else from the Blacks. 

"So, what's next?" Sirius asked eagerly, and Remus melted. 

"Well", he glanced down at his watch: "It's already nine, but we could take a little stroll, I guess? Just see what's around here." 

"Sounds good", Sirius nodded, then went to put their things away into the tents: "You reckon we can just leave these here?" 

"I'm sure", Remus nodded: "The place looks pretty empty and honestly, the camping community can be trusted, in my experience." 

"Cool", Sirius smiled, zipped up his tent and nodded at the path, which continued beyond the campsite: "Let's see where that leads, eh?" 

They followed the path for a little while, until they came to the edge of a grass field. It was still light enough for them to see, but Remus now realized that he had left his flashlight back in his tent, and their phones were in the car. "Let's not go too far", he said to Sirius: "The sun's nearly set." 

"We'll be fine", Sirius smiled back at him, and much to Remus's surprise, grabbed his hand and jerked him forward: "Come on, the map showed there's a river somewhere nearby." 

Remus had no choice but to obey, though he did jerk his hand back when the opportunity came. Sirius didn't react, just kept crossing the field, until they really did come to the side of a river. "See?" he turned back to grin at Remus. Remus couldn't help but smile, too. The last golden rays of the sun reflected off the surface of the water, until five minutes later, they were gone and it became dusky. Sirius sat down on the grass and, after a moment of hesitation, Remus followed suit. It was still fairly warm, but he did wish he had at least put on a long sleeve. 

"I'm really sorry, you know", Sirius said quietly after a moment of silence. He was picking at the grass next to him, a nervous habit that Remus found endearing. 

"About what?" he asked quietly, though he was pretty sure he already knew. 

"The tree house thing." 

"We've talked about it", Remus said reassuringly: "It's fine, honestly." 

"Yeah, but I lied", Sirius said in one breath, and Remus turned to look at him, frowning. He could just barely see the outline of Sirius's figure, if he squinted his eyes really hard. After he didn't reply, Sirius continued: "I– I said I wasn't gay." 

"Yeah..." Remus said slowly, even though his heart was suddenly racing. 

"Well, the truth is..." Sirius's voice was barely a whisper as he spoke, and he stopped to take a deep breath before continuing: "When I was in France, there was this... um, well... his name is Marc." 

"Oh", was all that Remus managed. He didn't want to sound rude or pressuring, nor did he want to sound too elated. Which he definitely was. Elated and suddenly very nervous. He didn't even know why he was nervous. Maybe _for_ Sirius, not because of him. Or maybe because of him. 

"Yeah", Sirius said chokedly, nodding his head slowly, as if to process it himself: "Yeah, we um– well, we did... things." 

"Right." 

"And well... I don't know, Remus", he said, turning his head to the side to look at him. Remus stared back, but he couldn't really see anything but the gleam of Sirius's eyes. It was too dark to see anything else, but he didn't _need_ to see anything else. "I don't know", Sirius whispered, and his voice broke a little: "I don't know if I'm gay or not, it's just... it's so new, and with Marc it was so easy, it was just the two of us and we both knew I was leaving before summer anyway." 

"Okay", Remus nodded: "Okay, it's okay, Sirius." 

Sirius turned back to look at the grass in front of him. He shook his head. "I haven't told anybody", he whispered: "Not even James." 

"Okay..." Remus swallowed: "And do you... do you want to tell him?" 

"I think so", Sirius said, leaning forward to bury his face in his hands. He stayed like that for a while before straightening back again. He looked at Remus again. "I think so, but I'm scared." 

Remus nodded, and he hoped Sirius saw. "I was scared too", he whispered: "For the longest time, I lived with the fear that... that nobody would understand. That everybody would think I'm some sort of– freak or something, I don't know", he let out a breathy laugh. His eyes were stinging, and he wasn't sure whether it was because of Sirius or because of himself. "But then I told Lily, and she was so amazing about it all – she made me feel like nothing had changed, even though to me it felt like _everything_ had changed." He stopped for a second to take in a shaky breath. He exhaled and sniffed, and apart from the sound of Sirius's fingers picking at the grass, he could have been alone. 

He waited for a response, but when he didn't get one, he took one more breath and added quietly: "I'm glad you told me." 

Remus could hear Sirius nodding his head, then rubbing a hand over his eyes and sniffing a few times. He was silently crying, Remus could tell, but he didn't know how to react. He wanted to hug Sirius, wrap his arms tight around him and hold him there, but he felt he didn't have the right to do that. Not right now. But he didn't want to seem cold – he understood what Sirius was feeling, probably better than anyone else in his life. Remus knew he was the one who could really help Sirius, because he had been there himself, and _he_ wouldn't have survived it without Lily. And Sirius had chosen to tell _him_. 

"Sirius?" 

"Yeah?" 

Remus swallowed. "It's okay to feel confused or terrified or– or whatever you're feeling, it's... it's not an easy thing to deal with, but you've already taken the hardest step." Sirius didn't respond. "You've said it out loud, and more important than that, you've admitted it to yourself. No one else has to know if you don't want them to, as long as _you_ know. And– it's okay if you don't really _know_ , but as long as you... acknowledge it, I guess?"

Sirius nodded again, and then Remus could hear him getting up. It reminded him of that night in the tree house, only this time it was Sirius who had poured his heart out. Remus was scared he was going to run off again, but instead he saw a hand appear into his vision. He grabbed it and Sirius pulled him up and straight into a hug. Remus inhaled sharply, but let his arms wrap around Sirius. Sirius was still crying, and sooner than Remus realized, he was crying too. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camping part two :)

Sirius stirred awake, and the first thing he could hear was the sound of birds chirping outside. He smiled to himself – he could see from the way that the tent was lit up that the sun was shining. He kicked the sleeping bag off and sat up, stretching his sides and his spine. Taking the events of last night into consideration, he was feeling surprisingly light and giddy. Or maybe it was _because of_ _them_ that he was feeling like that. 

He grabbed a pair of sweatpants from his rucksack and pulled them on. It already felt warm out, even though it must have still been very early, so he ditched his shirt for now. He wanted to feel the rays of sun on his skin, properly bathe in them. 

Remus was sitting on a wooden log outside the tents when Sirius stepped out. He smiled at him gently over the paper cup of coffee in his hand. 

"How are you feeling?" he asked softly, motioning towards the portable boiler on the ground in front of him: "I made coffee." 

"Thanks, that's perfect", Sirius smiled, too, and settled down on the other log, pouring himself a cup. Remus waited patiently for him to answer, and eventually he felt ready. "I'm alright", he said, looking down at the black coffee in his hand: "I feel sort of... relieved?" He glanced up to meet Remus's eyes, almost like he wanted a confirmation that that was an okay thing to feel. Remus smiled reassuringly, and Sirius ducked his head to cover the stupid grin that formed on his face. Remus looked so good right then, hair messy and eyes puffy from sleeping, a lopsided grin on his face, the early rays of sunshine making his skin glisten. Sirius felt calm. 

"That's good to hear", Remus said: "I'm proud of you, I know it's not easy." 

Sirius snorted, not because he thought that was stupid, but because that was exactly what he had wanted to hear. From someone, at least, but it was better coming from Remus. It made him feel special, which was probably stupid, but he didn't mind being a little stupid. He was camping for the weekend with Remus, and no one expected them to be anywhere. It was peaceful in a way. Comforting. 

"Thanks", he added then, because he didn't want to seem ungrateful. "So, what's the plan?" 

"Well", Remus reached for his pocket and pulled out the leaflet that Sirius had gotten from the reception last night: "There are a few different length walking routes near here, but I was thinking this one..." He leaned in closer to point along a route on the map: "It leaves from Barcombe Car Park and then does a loop around here... it's a bit over eleven miles, and we'd have to drive to get to the starting point, but it looks nice in the pictures. Sound good?" 

"Yeah", Sirius nodded, quite amazed by the amount of planning Remus had already done: "Yeah no, that's perfect – you've put a lot of thought into this." 

Remus shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile. "I like to plan things. Anyway–" he slammed his hands onto his knees and got up: "I'm dying for a shower, and then some breakfast." 

"Sounds good", Sirius nodded. He watched as Remus walked over to his tent and pulled out a towel, then headed towards the main building where the showers were located. Sirius waited for him to get back before going in himself. 

***

Remus hoisted his backpack onto his shoulder and sat down on the wooden log to wait for Sirius. It was around ten in the morning now, and they were just about to leave for their hike – more of a countryside walk, really, but he was excited nonetheless. When Sirius finally appeared from his tent, wearing a t-shirt, shorts and hiking boots and looking awfully good, they made a beeline to the car and drove the short distance to Barcome Cross, where they parked the Mercedes and stepped out into the sun. They had their backpacks filled with water, food and extra clothes in case the UK weather decided to surprise them, and they started their hike in high spirits. 

Remus loved watching Sirius look around himself happily, taking in every little detail that they came across. He pointed at funny-looking plants and the birds flying over their heads, and Remus felt so happy seeing him happy. This was a different Sirius, one that was free and lively, completely different from the Sirius he had seen back home. Back where Orion Black was. Remus knew that that was the biggest reason for the sudden change. He needed to get Sirius away from his father, if he ever wanted him to be genuinely happy. 

"Can we stop by there?" Sirius pointed at a little building at the side of the river after two and a half miles of walking. It had a small terrace, which was crowded with people. "Or is it against the rules to have a pint while out on a hike?" 

"We don't have any rules", Remus smirked and gave him a nudge with his shoulder: "Come on, I'm thirsty. I wouldn't actually mind a pint." 

They made their way inside and ordered two lagers, then walked out onto the terrace to enjoy the warm midday sunshine. Albeit they had maintained a leisurely pace, Remus could feel sweat dripping down his back. Blame the 27 degrees Celsius for that. The ice cold beer was definitely welcomed. They finished their drinks, took a few photos of the river on Sirius's SLR camera and then continued their hike. 

About a mile later, they stopped for a water break at the side of River Ouse. Remus downed half a water bottle, and then contently observed the view of the river. Seeing water had always made him feel calm. "I want to live near the water", he suddenly blurted, not exactly sure why he wanted Sirius to know. He just did. 

"Oh yeah?" Sirius smiled at him.

"Yeah", Remus nodded, leaning onto the wooden fence along the side of the river. 

"Like the sea or... a puddle?"

Remus snorted. "Not the sea. A river, maybe."

"A house by the riverside", Sirius said thoughtfully: "Doesn't sound too bad, actually."

"Right", Remus nodded: "And a library."

"Of course. And a tent."

"Obviously." 

Sirius laughed. That joyous, lively, catchy laugh that Remus was lucky enough to have experienced more than once. But right then, as they stood by the side of the river, it was the most joyous he had ever heard it. Remus grinned at the sight of all of Sirius's pearly white teeth showing. He'd do anything to see that smile again. 

It was nearly four in the afternoon when they reached the last checkpoint of their hike before the car park. They were exhausted, at least Remus was, and his skin felt warm from the day of being outside in the sun. "Is that–" Sirius breathed, squinting against the sunlight: "Is that a fucking camel?" 

" _That_ it is", Remus exclaimed happily. Sirius turned to him and let out a disbelieving laugh. 

"You didn't tell me there would be _camels_ on the route." 

"I wanted to surprise you", Remus cocked a sly eyebrow and pulled at the sleeve of Sirius's shirt: "Come on, let's get a closer look." 

Camels definitely weren't the prettiest of animals, Remus remarked, but it was a unique experience nonetheless, seeing a camel on a field in Sussex. Sirius loved it. 

"I can't believe this", he laughed, pulling out his camera: "Okay, I hate to say this, but you have to take a picture of me and the camel." 

"I'd love to", Remus replied dryly, but smiled nevertheless as Sirius handed him the camera and jumped closer to the fence to get into frame with the camel. Remus snapped a few pictures and laughed at the poses Sirius adapted. "Brilliant. You two could be models." 

"Eh, I stand no chance next to that camel", Sirius said solemnly, and Remus nodded. 

"I was thinking the exact same thing, seeing you next to that thing–" 

"Okay, okay, no need to rub it in my face", Sirius faked a hurt expression, and Remus laughed again. He seemed to laugh a lot in Sirius's presence. He just had that kind of an effect on him. 

"Come on, only a couple of miles left", Remus nodded along the walking path, and Sirius forced him to say goodbye to the camel before they left and made their way back to the car. 

"I still can't get over the–" 

"The camel", Remus shook his head, amused: "I know, Sirius, you're in love." 

"Alright, sorry", Sirius scowled: "Just cause you're jealous of the connection between me and Camila–" 

"You named it?" 

"You're just jealous", Sirius stated determinedly before slinging his backpack off his shoulder and leaning against the car, panting. "That was quite a walk." 

"Right?" Remus grinned, patting his pockets to find the car keys: "Probably going to sleep like a log tonight." 

"I know, me too", Sirius yawned: "Should we get– oh!" He glanced down suddenly, and Remus followed his gaze to see the golden retriever puppy that was waggling its tail at their feet. "Look at you", Sirius said in a sing-song voice and crouched to scratch behind its ear: "Aren't you cute... Remus, can we keep him?" He glanced up with a smirk on his face. Remus laughed. 

"Of course", he waved his hand nonchalantly: "There's plenty of space in the tent." 

"Paddy!" a kid's voice came from the other end of the parking lot. Remus turned to look as a small girl approached them with her mother. The dog, Paddy, turned to look too, and jumped with excitement as he saw his owners. 

"We're so sorry", the woman said as she crouched to put Paddy on his leash: "He jumped out of the car the second we opened the door." 

"Not at all", Sirius smiled, standing back up: "He's adorable – Paddy, did you say?" 

"Yeah", the little girl said excitedly: "It's short for Paddington!" 

"Well, that's a very cute name", Sirius smiled down at her. Remus's heart swelled. It was too cute, Sirius with dogs and Sirius with kids. They said bye to the woman and the girl (and Paddy), then climbed into the car and pulled out of the parking lot. 

"I'm going to get a dog one day", Sirius said, leaning against the seat, a content look on his face. 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah. Always wanted one, but Mom and Dad wouldn't allow it. Obviously." 

"Any particular breed in mind?" 

"I don't know", Sirius furrowed his brows in thought: "Something big. When I move out." 

"Oh?" Remus turned to look at him, before he remembered that he was driving and turned back to the road: "You're planning to move out?" 

"Not right now", Sirius said quickly: "But yeah, at some point. I know I'm supposed to keep the family business going, but that's not what I really want to do... Regulus does, so I'm going to give him the chance." 

Remus nodded. It was obvious that Sirius wasn't keen on the future that had been decided for him, but knowing Orion Black, getting out of the family business probably wasn't that easy. Sirius didn't continue on the subject, and Remus felt it wasn't his place to keep asking about it. 

They were back at their tents at around six, and Remus was starving. Sirius offered to stop by at the nearby shop to get them dinner supplies, and Remus stayed back to start the fire. Sirius came back after ten minutes with a plastic bag full of food – and by the sound of it, drinks, too. 

"Got us some sausages, eggs, bacon, these grilled tomatoes..." 

"Breakfast for dinner", Remus smiled: "I love it." 

"And–" Sirius pointed his finger at Remus before pulling out a bottle of champagne. Remus laughed. "Well, it is our second _and_ last night here, we have to celebrate." 

"Of course", Remus nodded solemnly as Sirius took a seat opposite to him. They cooked the foods on the travel skillet that Remus had brought with him, and ate in companionable silence. After they had finished, Sirius popped open the bottle of champagne. 

"Shit", he sighed: "We obviously don't have glasses." 

"Guess we can't drink it then", Remus replied, and Sirius looked at him with his brows raised. "It would be highly uncalled for to drink it straight out of the bottle. I mean, what would your father think?" 

Sirius barked with laughter. "I thought you were being serious for a sec", he smiled, and Remus huffed a laugh. Sirius brought the bottle to his lips before handing it to Remus. He looked at the label of the bottle and snorted. 

"Tell me you didn't just buy the most expensive bottle of champagne you could find, for a _camping trip_?" 

"Only the best for you", Sirius shrugged his shoulders, before ducking his head in embarrassment. Remus smiled at him, then let out a big yawn. 

"I might go read for a bit, if that's okay with you?" he stood up from the log and stretched his body. He was exhausted, and although he didn't want the night to end yet, he could do with a bit of quiet time. Sirius nodded. 

"Of course, I might go take a shower", he nodded at the main building. Remus nodded and made to crawl into his tent. 

"Remus", Sirius said suddenly, and Remus turned around to look at him. "Thanks. Honestly. For doing this for me. It's– well, it's been nice." 

"Of course", Remus flashed him a smile: "You're right, it has been nice." 

"Okay", Sirius said quietly: "Good night." 

"Night", Remus nodded, then unzipped his tent and crawled in. He heard Sirius's footsteps leave the campsite, and before he could finish the first page, he was already dozing. 

***

Remus woke up with his cheek rested on the open page of the book and still in the clothes he had changed into after the hike. He rolled onto his back and yawned. It was darker now, and he had to squint his eyes to see what his watch read. Only nine thirty, he hadn't slept for longer than two hours. And was that–? No, surely not... He sat up straight and pricked up his ears. It definitely sounded like it... Could it be? Well, he was already awake, he might as well go take a closer look. 

Remus unzipped the tent and climbed out, and sure enough, the sound was coming from Sirius's tent, muffled and gentle, like he was trying to be quiet. Remus padded his way across the grass and took a deep breath before reaching for the zipper. 

***

There was rustling outside Sirius's tent. He bit back his smile as Remus pulled down the zipper and poked his head inside the tent. He didn't want to admit it, but he had hoped Remus would come to him. 

"Where the fuck did you get a guitar?" Remus whispered, though they were very much alone. Sirius grinned and lifted the guitar off his lap, setting it down on the mattress. 

"There was one at the main building", he said: "They said I could lend it for the night, as long as I bring it back tomorrow." 

"Oh", Remus nodded from the entrance. "Alright." 

"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Sirius asked quickly. He had tried to be quiet. 

"No, no", Remus shook his head: "I woke up and then heard you... didn't know you played." 

"Yeah, a little", Sirius shrugged: "Um... do you want to come inside?" 

"Oh", Remus's eyes widened a little, or so Sirius thought. It was too dark to see properly. "Yeah, sure..." He climbed in and closed the zipper, before settling down on the mattress. They were quiet for a bit, and Sirius was aware of how small the tent felt now that there were two of them in there. Remus looked at him expectantly. 

"Play for me", he said quietly, and Sirius let out a nervous laugh. 

"Okay..." he said, reaching for the guitar: "Any suggestions?" 

"Anything", Remus shook his head, then leaned his chin onto his hand to listen. Sirius cleared his throat and quickly started playing the song that came to his mind first – _Yesterday_ by The Beatles. It was one of the first songs he had learnt on the guitar, and it was still one of his favourites. He wasn't used to singing in front of other people, not sober at least, but he was willing to make the exception for Remus. 

***

Remus must have fallen asleep _again_ , because when he flinched awake, the song had changed. Sirius was now playing _Godspeed_ by Frank Ocean, a song that always made Remus feel some type of way. Sirius's voice was so utterly gentle and calming, the way he sang a little breathily and just _beautifully_. Remus kept his eyes closed for the rest of the song, and when Sirius stopped and set the guitar down, he opened his eyes and hoisted himself up onto one elbow. 

"You play beautifully", he whispered, and Sirius flinched a little, like he was surprised. He let out a breathy laugh and Remus could hear him shrugging. "Sorry, I fell asleep." 

"That's fine", Sirius said gently, and he sounded like he was smiling. Remus sat up and blinked. It was so dark now that he couldn't see anything of Sirius but the dark outline of his figure. It was so perfectly quiet, all he could hear was the grass quivering in the light wind outside the tent. It felt like they were in a bubble. It was beautiful and ghostly at the same time, and now that Sirius had stopped playing, the silence felt deeper than ever. 

Remus was sure he could hear Sirius breathing a little louder than a second ago, but he wasn't sure whether it was because he was actually breathing louder or if he had gotten closer. Nevertheless, Remus planted his hands on the mattress and inched a little closer to where he knew Sirius was sitting. He could almost feel Sirius's breaths on his skin, or maybe it was the gentle wind getting in through the slightly open tent zipper, but it made him stop breathing. He wanted to hear Sirius breathing, and he did. Sirius's breaths were getting heavier by the second, and Remus could practically hear his heartbeat too, pumping in his chest. Remus leaned a little further into the darkness, and this time it was definitely Sirius's breaths that grazed the bare skin of his arms. It was still utterly quiet, until– 

"Remus", Sirius whispered, so quietly that it could have as well been the wind humming in the background. But Remus leaned forward, until his lips grazed Sirius's. So briefly he couldn't even call it a kiss, but he could feel Sirius's warm breaths on his mouth, and he couldn't hold back anymore. He let out a shaky breath and kissed him, properly this time, but still tentatively, waiting for Sirius' reaction. Sirius didn't move, not his lips, but not his body either, and Remus brought their lips together again. Once, twice, so slowly and as gently as he could, and then Sirius's hand found the fabric of his shirt and pulled him closer. Remus held his breath as he got his knees under him and crawled a little closer to Sirius, their mouths moving together in a slow rhythm. Sirius's kisses were so timid and so purposeful at the same time, it made Remus's head spin. 

Remus leaned a bit more of his weight forward, and Sirius carefully lowered himself onto his back. Remus wished he could see him. He stayed on his knees while Sirius fiddled with the hem of his shirt nervously. 

"Is this okay?" Remus whispered into the silence. He could hear Sirius's head moving against the pillow, but he wasn't sure whether he was shaking it or nodding. 

"Yes", he breathed finally, and Remus swallowed. _This was happening_. He brought his hands to either side of Sirius's head and leaned down, slowly lowering his weight onto Sirius. Sirius let out a choked gasp when Remus pressed their hips together, and Remus could feel Sirius hard against his body. It made him dizzy and he had to close his eyes for a second. Sirius lay still beneath him, and Remus knew he was scared. Hell, _he_ was scared, and he had done this many times before. Just not with someone like Sirius. Not with someone so... special. 

He lifted his head again and brought his face to level with Sirius's. Their lips met again, and this time Sirius kissed him back, tentatively at first, and then with a little more force. Remus pressed more of his weight onto Sirius, and they both gasped. He kept moving slowly, circling their hips together, and merely the sound of Sirius's breaths and sighs made him feel so close to release. 

" _God_ ", he breathed, because he couldn't help himself, and Sirius mumbled something in response. "God, Sirius..." He glanced down at their hips moving against each other and bit his lip. It felt so... so–

The way that Sirius's breathing became uneven and his hips bucked up told Remus that he had come. Remus kept kissing him through it, gently and reassuringly, until Sirius's body relaxed and he let his head fall against the pillow. " _Fuck_ ", Remus could hear him breathe, and then he climbed off of Sirius's body, settling himself next to him on the mattress. It was quiet again. Sirius remained on his back, eyes towards the roof of the tent, his chest rising and falling with each deep breath. Finally, he rolled over onto his side to meet Remus's eyes. It was dark, but Remus could see the gleam of his eyes, like stars in the otherwise pitch black tent. 

"Sirius..." he whispered, and before he could register it, Sirius's lips crashed into his and he was kissing him more forcefully than before. Remus let out a choked breath when Sirius leaned over and pushed him onto the mattress, the sudden contact of their bodies immediately making him hard again. He groaned as Sirius's hand stroked his erection over the fabric of his sweats, and Sirius kept kissing and rubbing him until he came. It didn't take long, and Remus hadn't felt the same sort of pleasure in ages. It got him over the edge so suddenly that it made his whole body shake, and then Sirius was lying on top of him, stroking his sides, and Remus couldn't hold back the breathy laugh that escaped his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you thought I made the camel thing up...   
> https://www.komoot.com/highlight/1174988


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: cancer, hints of homophobia

Sirius climbed into the car the next morning feeling confused. Remus had left at some point during the night, once Sirius had fallen asleep, and gone to his own tent. 

It was probably for the best, Sirius thought, but now he didn't know how to bring it up. Remus didn't look like he fancied talking about it either, but maybe he was just trying to give Sirius an easy way out of it. But Sirius didn't want out of it. He didn't know how to start the conversation, either. So he was at a dead end, at least until he could no longer handle it. 

"Quite a trip, huh?" Remus climbed into the driver's seat and gave him an awkward smile. Sirius smiled back and nodded. 

"Yeah, quite." 

His eyes landed on the centre console, and for the first time since Friday evening, he remembered he owned a smartphone. Remus seemed to notice the look on his face, and he smiled gently. 

"You don't have to look yet", he said, tapping the lid of the console with his finger: "If you want to pretend for a little longer that you have no responsibilities." 

Sirius laughed, earning a grin from Remus. He shook his head and reached to open the compartment. 

"I'm keen on keeping my life, though that _does_ sound very intriguing", he smiled haplessly: "If my Dad was anyone but Orion Black, I might even consider taking up the offer." 

Remus returned the smile before starting the car and backing out of the parking lot. Sirius glanced once more at the campsite, before reaching for his phone and opening it. He expected a few angry calls from his father and maybe a text from Regulus, but– 

"Holy hell", he frowned, looking at his lock screen. Remus glanced at him sideways, eyebrows lifted expectantly. 

"Is your dad mad?" 

"No, I–" Sirius mumbled absently, scrolling down his notifications. There were at least twenty calls from Regulus, another twenty from Minerva, _another twenty_ from James. Lily had tried calling him, too, and he had a feeling they had called for a bigger reason than to just ask how the trip is doing. 

"Check your phone", he choked out, and Remus frowned at him before reaching for his own phone. He kept glancing at the road while he clicked it open and scrolled down. 

"Holy..." Remus breathed, his eyes widening: "What– Sirius, what?" 

"I don't– I don't know..." Sirius swallowed harshly. His cheeks felt hot. 

"Check your messages", Remus said quickly: "Check your messages, has someone sent you something–?" 

"Yeah, yeah okay", Sirius nodded, his hands shaking as he scrolled even further. There were messages, most of them from Regulus. Sirius clicked the banner and froze as he read the chain of a dozen texts on his screen. 

"Well?" Remus asked and sent him a nervous glance. Sirius felt like throwing up. 

'Sirius? Answer your phone'   
'Sirius, where the hell are you?'   
'SIRIUS'   
'ANSWER'   
'!!!'   
'SIRIUS FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE IT'S MOM'   
'We're going to the hospital, where the fuck are you?!'   
'Mom's not doing well'   
'SIRIUS' 

"I–" he managed to choke out, and just then, Regulus's picture popped up on his screen. He slid to answer the call and brought the phone to his ear with a shaky hand. 

"Hey..." 

"Finally", Regulus's voice came from the other end of the line. He didn't even sound relieved, he sounded angry. "Where the fuck are you?! Have you gotten my fucking texts?" 

"Yes–" 

"Where are you?!" 

Sirius winced. Remus was looking at him, frowning, and Sirius gave a slight shake of his head. 

"I'm– I was camping with Remus, I sent you a text–" 

"I DON'T CARE!" Regulus shouted, and his voice broke a little. Sirius swallowed again. 

"Reg, where are you now–?" 

"In the hospital!" Regulus spat out: "How far off are you, can you... can you just get here?" 

Sirius nodded, then realized Regulus couldn't see him and said: "Of course. We're on our way, but it'll probably take another two hours or something..." 

"Okay", Regulus's voice was small now, and Sirius's heart ached listening to it: "Just come as soon as you can, okay?" 

"Yeah, of course, Reg... is she– how is she?" 

"Weak", Regulus sniffed, and his voice came out muffled when he spoke again, like he had a hand over his mouth: "She's really weak, Sirius, and..." 

Sirius listened carefully, but Regulus never finished the sentence. He thought he could hear crying through the phone. 

"Is someone there with you?" he tried to sound calm but was probably failing terribly: "Are you alone, Regulus?" 

"No, Minnie's here", Regulus sniffed again: "She's in there with her, and– I should get back, too. Call me when you're here, okay? Sirius?" 

"Yeah", Sirius breathed: "Yeah, I'll call you. Love you." 

"Love you too." 

Regulus hung up and Sirius turned to look at Remus. 

"The hospital", he managed to say, and then Remus was pressing the gas pedal and Sirius couldn't do anything but stare at the road ahead of him and read the road signs that told him it would take at least another hour until they reached London. God, it was like torture. 

***

Remus watched from the driver's side of the car as Sirius stumbled out and ran towards the main doors of the hospital. Remus stayed there for a moment before someone honked behind him and he had to move out of the way and find a free parking slot from the guest park. Then he stayed there, seated in his car (well, Orion's car) for at least half an hour, until he got a text from Sirius. 

'You can come up' it said, and Remus was out of the car in an instant. 

He found his way inside and then he was at a lost end – he had never been at Guy's Hospital before, and even if he had, he felt too dizzy and overwhelmed to really be able to navigate through it. 

Luckily, just as he was about to go to the info desk, there was a warm hand on his shoulder. 

"Remus", Minerva said gently, then turned him around and pulled him into a quick hug: "Come on, let's head up." 

Minerva led him through corridors and staircases for what felt like an eternity, even though it was really only ten minutes, until they stopped in front of a closed door. Remus glanced at the door, then at Minerva, and she nodded at the row of chairs along the corridor. 

"Let's wait", she said and guided Remus to sit down.

Thank god for Minerva, he thought. He was barely able to form a proper thought, let alone walk through an unfamiliar hospital in search of Sirius and his family. She lay a hand on top of his, and even though Remus felt like a complete outsider in the situation, her presence made him feel a bit better. 

They waited for an hour and a half; Remus kept glancing at the clock at the end of the corridor, and every minute seemed to go by slower than the previous. Remus wanted to know if Sirius was okay, if Regulus was okay, if their mother was okay. But mostly if Sirius was okay. 

Minerva told him about the call they had received from the hospital early on Saturday morning, and how Regulus had spent every minute in the hospital since then, apart from coming home to sleep for three hours before heading back again. 

Remus felt terrible. He and Sirius had spent their weekend away in the sunshine, completely oblivious about the events back home, and then Remus had even suggested that Sirius push off his responsibilities for a little longer – meanwhile Regulus had barely slept, not leaving his mother's side for more than a half-hour at a time, and even then he was feeling paranoid. 

Remus wondered if Orion was there. Knowing him, probably not. It made Remus shiver with disdain. He was just about to ask Minerva whether he had been there at all or not, when the door opened slowly and Sirius stepped out, followed by Regulus, who looked more tired than Remus had ever seen him. 

Remus stood up, and much to his surprise, Sirius walked over to him and wrapped his arms around him. Remus hugged him back, but he was careful not to make it look like anything but a friendly hug. It _was_ a friendly hug. Sirius let go to hug Minerva and Remus waved sheepishly at Regulus, who gave him a tired smile. 

"Come on", Sirius was then saying, his voice quiet and hoarse, like he had been crying. _Of course_ he had been crying. "I want you to meet her." 

Remus blinked at him, but didn't object. If Sirius wanted him to meet his mother, then that was the least Remus could do for him. He followed him into the room he and Regulus had just come out of. 

It looked exactly like Remus had expected it to: plain and bleak. There were a bunch of red roses on the night table though, the only splash of colour in the room, and another vase full of yellow tulips. 

"Mom's two favourites", Sirius smiled faintly as he noticed Remus looking at the flowers.

Remus nodded before turning his gaze to the hospital bed. Walburga Black looked pretty much like Remus had imagined her: high cheekbones, similar to both of her sons', pale skin, petite figure. If she hadn't been laying in a hospital bed, she would have probably looked absolutely frightening. 

But right now she looked calm, her eyes were pressed shut and her chest was rising and falling gently with every weak breath. Remus felt a lump in his throat as a picture of his own mother popped up in his head. He shook it aside and focused his attention on Sirius and being the best possible friend in a situation like this. 

"She's beautiful", he whispered. 

Sirius smiled gently. "She is." 

"Was she awake–?" 

"Yeah, for a bit when I got here", Sirius nodded, his voice soft as he looked at his mother. "She keeps dozing off every now and again, it's the medication. It's pretty hard on her." 

"Yeah, I can imagine", Remus replied quietly. His throat felt strained and he wanted to leave the room, but he knew he had to be there for Sirius. 

"Come on", Sirius nodded at the two chairs on one side of the bed: "Let's sit down and wait for her to wake up." 

"Okay", Remus nodded, although he preferred Walburga Black asleep and harmless. 

They sat down quietly, both looking at Walburga as she slept peacefully. If Remus hadn't known about her abusive behaviour in the past, he would have probably felt a lot worse for her. He knew it was cruel to hold her past against her, but Remus had seen the way it still affected Sirius, and that made him hate her. And he had never even said a word to her. 

Sirius scooted a little closer to Remus with his chair. Remus hesitated, but reached to take Sirius's hand into his own. Sirius looked a bit taken aback at first, but then smiled and let out a deep sigh as he squeezed Remus' hand. 

Remus drew little circles onto Sirius's palm with his thumb. Eventually Sirius relaxed and lay his head on Remus's shoulder, closing his eyes and letting his breathing even out. Remus smiled and weighed in his mind whether it was acceptable to do something more, or whether that would scare Sirius away. But Sirius had been the one to initiate this sort of proximity, and so Remus dared bring his other hand to pet Sirius' hair, like Remus's mother had always done to him when he had been feeling down as a kid. Sirius smelled familiar and his gentle breaths tickled Remus's collarbone. Remus closed his eyes too, only for a moment, to forget about where they were. 

They must have stayed like that for at least twenty minutes before Walburga stirred in her sleep. Remus tapped Sirius on the shoulder to wake him up, and when he did, Sirius pulled his hand back and gave Remus an apologetic look. Remus smiled reassuringly. He didn't mind. He understood. He didn't need other people knowing about Sirius as long as _he_ knew. 

"Mama", Sirius whispered, standing up and leaning to take his mother's hand: "Hey, I want you to meet someone." 

"Sirius?" Walburga said in a quiet voice, and Sirius smiled. 

"Oui, Mom", he said softly, running his thumb across her palm: "This is Remus." 

Walburga opened her eyes properly and lifted her head off the pillow to get a better look of the room. Remus stood up too, and gave a little wave. "Hey. It's nice to meet you." 

Little white lies never hurt anyone. Right? Not when the truth would have caused more harm. 

"Mama, Remus is Dad's new assistant", Sirius said and sent Remus a smile: "And... my friend." 

"Nice to meet you, Remus", Walburga said weakly, her eyes slipping closed again. She opened them again after a little while and observed him. "Friend, you say?" she asked, turning back to Sirius, and her voice sounded a little hollow. 

"Mom", Sirius said sternly. "Yes, a friend." 

Walburga made some sort of a noise of acknowledgement, and the room suddenly felt cold to Remus. 

"I–" he opened his mouth, but Sirius beat him to it. 

"Mom, do you want me to get Regulus?" 

"Yes, please", Walburga nodded stiffly, and Sirius straightened up. 

"Is it okay if–?" 

"Of course", Remus said hurriedly: "Of course, Sirius, I'll go – you have Regulus here with you. And you can call me whenever, I don't care if it's the middle of the night..." 

"It was nice to meet you, Remus", Walburga said from her bed, and Remus could hear the pricks in her voice. He turned around and gave her a tight smile. 

"It was nice to meet you, too", he said, and then to twist the knife in the wound: "You've raised two beautiful sons." 

One lie and one truth. 

"Yes", Walburga whispered, her eyes unreadable and glassy. She turned back to look at Sirius. "Sirius... Regulus." 

"Oui, Mom", Sirius said, and his expression was just as hard to read: "I'll be right back, I'll just go say goodbye to Minerva."

He nodded towards the door, and Remus followed him out of the hospital room. He squeezed Sirius's hand gently and let go when they stepped back into the corridor. 

"I can see where you get your strength from", he whispered. 

***

Remus lay on his bed in the dark. He had gotten back from the hospital with Minerva hours ago, and they had had tea and talked, and then she had left to take Orion his dinner. Remus had wanted to go too, and give him a good jab in the face. But that wouldn't have looked good on a resume. 

He couldn't sleep. He kept thinking about Sirius. And Regulus. And Walburga. And Sirius. And Regulus. And Walburga. And Sirius and Sirius and Sirius and Sirius. 

The door creaked and light flooded into the room for a few seconds before it became dark again. There were muffled footsteps, and then the mattress shifted as Sirius climbed onto the bed. Remus sighed in relief, but he couldn't help but feel a bit anxious. 

"Should you be here?" he whispered when Sirius crawled towards him. Sirius stopped in place and Remus could hear his breaths. 

"I don't care", he whispered back, and then Remus reached his arms forward and pulled Sirius closer to him. They kicked the sheets around for a bit until Sirius was pressed against Remus's chest under the duvet. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Fine", Sirius's voice was strained. 

"Regulus?" 

"I got him to come home with me", Sirius whispered: "We're going back tomorrow morning." 

"God", Remus said quietly: "I'm so sorry." 

"It's not your fault." 

"Yeah, but if you had been home..." 

"Remus", Sirius said firmly and lifted his head up. Remus couldn't see anything, but he knew Sirius was looking at him. "It wasn't even your idea to go camping, or to put our phones away. That was all me–" 

"You can't blame yourself–" 

"I know. I don't blame myself, but you shouldn't either... it was just really bad timing, but we're here now." 

"Right", Remus said quietly, but he couldn't help but feel partly responsible. He brought his hand into Sirius hair: he was glad to be allowed to do that now. He petted it gently, and Sirius pressed his face deeper into Remus's neck. 

"I'm still sorry, though. You shouldn't have to go through all this." 

"Yeah", Sirius whispered: "No one should." 

"No." 

He planted a kiss on Sirius's head, and he could feel Sirius smiling against his neck. 

"You're really smart, you know", Remus whispered. 

Sirius snorted. 

"I mean it!" Remus laughed softly: "Honestly. You're dealing with this so well, even after everything that has happened in the past with your mother– sorry." 

"Remus." 

"I know, I shouldn't apologize. But I also shouldn't bring up your family all the time." 

"You're living with us", Sirius lifted his head again. "How could you not bring them up all the time? They're weird." 

Remus laughed again. "Still." 

"Tell me something about your childhood again. I need something happy to think about." 

"Oh", Remus raised his brows at the sudden change of topic. He bit his lip as he tried to think of something. A memory popped up in his head and he let out a light laugh. "Well, one time when I was out camping in the forest with my Dad, I thought I heard a bear outside our tent." 

"A bear?" 

"Yeah. Or so I thought. And my Dad was asleep – he's a heavy sleeper – and I sort of panicked. And I just thought I had to get out of there so I ran off–" 

"Wait", Sirius snorted: "You thought you heard a bear and you just ran _outside_?" 

"I was like, six or something!" Remus laughed, too: "Anyway, my Dad eventually woke up and noticed I wasn't there, and then he obviously came looking for me." 

"Did he find you?" 

"Yeah, from a tree about two hundred meters away from the tent." 

"Bears can climb trees, you know." 

"I was _six_!" 

"Okay, okay", Sirius laughed quietly: "And he got you down?" 

"Yeah, he climbed up to get me. I wasn't that high up, though, so it was fine. He was pretty mad at me for it, too, but I guess that's reasonable." 

"And the bear?" 

"It was a cat." 

Sirius barked a laugh properly this time, letting his head fall to the side. Remus laughed too. 

"Like I said–" 

"Yeah, yeah, you were only six", Sirius managed after he had stopped laughing. He lifted his head up and leaned forward to press a kiss on Remus's lips. "That's sweet." 

"Yeah. Dad still teases me about it." 

"Good", Sirius stated, and Remus could tell he was smiling. "Now I will, too." 

Remus groaned. "Should have known that." 

"Yeah, you should have. Tell me more." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Please." 

Remus was quiet for a bit as he thought about what to tell Sirius. When he finally thought of a memory, he couldn't help but smile a little. 

"My Mom hates full moons – she says she can't sleep during one – but I used to love them as a kid." 

"Full moons?" 

"Yeah. Ever since I read some werewolf story that said that they always come out during a full moon – I obviously thought they were real." 

"Obviously." 

"I used to always go up to my window, open it up and howl." 

Sirius laughed quietly, his body shaking against Remus's. Remus smiled. 

"I thought they'd come to me – we lived near a forest, I was sure there were werewolves in there." 

"So you're telling me that you ran away from a _cat_ and then voluntarily howled to lure werewolves to your house?" Sirius shook his head, and his dark curls tickled Remus's bare chest. Remus huffed a laugh. 

"Well, when you put it like that..." he said solemnly, and Sirius laughed. "No, but seriously – I thought wolves were cool. I mean, they're still my favourite animal, even though I don't howl out of my window anymore." 

"Remus, you don't have to hide it from me", Sirius mumbled against his collarbone before lifting his head up. Remus could practically hear the teasing smirk on his face as he spoke: "Pretty sure I heard some howling just last night, but now I know it was only you..." 

"Very funny", Remus rolled his eyes and bit back a smile. Sirius laughed again before pressing a trail of kisses along Remus's jawline. 

"I have to agree, though", he mumbled: "Wolves _are_ really cool." 

"Right?" Remus tilted his head to look down at the direction Sirius's voice was coming from. He felt Sirius' lips find his own and closed his eyes for the kiss. "Tell me something about your childhood, then", he said and immediately regretted it as he felt Sirius's body stiffen. "Something nice", he tried to save the situation. 

"Not much to say", Sirius said blankly, and Remus felt like kicking himself for being so inconsiderate. "I was a boring kid." 

"I doubt that", Remus said gently, but Sirius was already hoisting himself off Remus's body. The sudden distance made Remus shiver with frigidity, but there was nothing he could do to take back his mistake now. Sirius settled next to him on the mattress, staring up at the ceiling. Remus fought the urge to reach out. 

"Sorry-" 

"Sorry about my mother", Sirius said, and Remus couldn't make out the tone of his voice. He turned his head to look at Sirius, or in the vague direction of him at least. Sirius remained avoiding his eyes. 

"It's okay", he lied. Well, truthfully he couldn't give a shit about what Walburga Black thought of him, only it was Sirius who had to suffer from it. That felt a bit unfair, but it was just another addition to the list of things Remus had no control over. 

"No, it's really not", Sirius shook his head against the sheets. "I should have said something, but... I don't know, I guess I'm still afraid of her in some way, even though I know I shouldn't be. She has no say in my life anymore." 

"No, she doesn't", Remus agreed: "But still, you're reasonably frightened. That's not something you should beat yourself up for." He winced and instantly wished he had gone with a different choice of words, but Sirius didn't seem affected. 

"I should go", he said bluntly and Remus could hear the sheets rustle as Sirius sat up and shifted himself off the bed. "Good night. And... thanks." 

"Yeah, night", Remus choked out in bafflement, though the second the door clicked shut behind Sirius, he wished he had said more. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: death of a family member, mention of past alcohol dependency
> 
> This chapter is a bit of a downer, but hope you enjoy it nevertheless. Take care of yourself and the people around you. <3

Remus would never forget the day of Walburga Black's death. Not because the day was somehow different from the previous ones, but because it was the exact same as any other. 

Orion got the call at around noon when they were still in central London, and Remus had to sit through the next meeting with a lump in his throat, and then the one after that. Had he not known Orion Black had just lost his wife hours earlier, he would have never guessed. And that made him sick. 

They drove home in complete silence – which wasn't abnormal, but something about this particular kind of chilly tranquility made the hairs in Remus's neck stand up. He didn't dare say a word to Orion, though he knew condolences would have been relevant. But he knew how those would be received, so he decided to leave it. Let the man grieve in silence, though from the looks of it, he wasn't grieving at all. 

Once they arrived at the house, it all sort of sunk in for Remus for the first time. Minerva was sitting in the dining room, a napkin in her shaky hand, leaning onto her elbow and sniffing. Remus watched from the doorway as Orion walked up the main staircase, undoubtedly into his office, before walking over to Minerva and taking a seat next to her. 

She lifted her head from her hand, let out a breathy sigh and reached over to pull Remus into a hug. Remus returned the gesture and held her for a good minute before pulling away. The rims of her eyes were red and she looked downright miserable. Remus had to remind himself that Minerva had a lot of history with Walburga, and no matter how terrible a mother she had been, she'd still be missed by some. 

"How are you holding up?" Remus asked, because it was his turn to be there for her. Minerva closed her eyes and shook her head. 

"We knew it was coming, but still..." 

Remus lay a sympathetic hand on her arm, and she gave him a fond smile in return. "And how are–?" he raised his brows meaningfully. 

"We went there as soon as we got the call, I think they're both in their rooms right now..." Minerva sighed: "Regulus took it harder than Sirius, seemingly, but they're both quite upset." 

Remus bit his lip and nodded. 

"I called Orion too, to ask if he'd come with us, but he..." Minerva shook her head and a tear rolled down her cheek. Remus just nodded in response. He'd been there when Minerva had called, heard the whole interaction, the voice of Mr Black still clear in his head stating he was in the middle of a meeting too important to interrupt. 

"It's not that he doesn't care, and of course he should handle this differently, but he just finds it easier to focus on other things..." Minerva tried, but it was all the same to Remus. He already hated Orion Black more than he could put into words, and if it was up to Remus, the man could burn in hell. The events of the past week had just strengthened that opinion. 

"Are you okay?" Remus asked again, realizing he hadn't quite received a proper answer yet. 

"Oh, I'll be alright", Minerva shook her head and attempted a smile, but the pain in her eyes told otherwise: "It's just such a horrible way to go... and I'm more worried about the boys, honestly." 

Remus nodded; that was the exact thing he had expected her to say. She put others before herself in any situation, and this was no different. 

"Is Orion in his–?" 

"Yeah, I think he went up there", Remus swallowed. The sudden clank from the direction of the door startled him, and he could just barely see Sirius's dark hair swing out of sight. He glanced helplessly at Minerva, who was looking at the spot Sirius had been at just a second prior. 

"Should I–?" Remus jerked his head in the direction of the door and Minerva let out a breath. 

"I think you should." 

"Right", Remus nodded, then clung himself up and stumbled out of the kitchen. He ran up the stairs as fast as he could, forgetting all about dignity and work protocol and stupid shit like that, and caught up to Sirius in the corridor that led to Orion's office. 

"Hey", he said as sternly as he could manage, but Sirius didn't bless him with a glance before he was already reaching for the door knob. It was locked, and Sirius rattled it in frustration, then moved to bang his fist on the door so harshly that Remus thought he might punch straight through it. 

"Open, you fucker!" he grumbled, and when nothing happened, he banged louder. 

"Sirius", Remus tried tentatively and stepped a little closer, but he was wholly ignored. Sirius kicked the door and cussed under his breath while Remus tried to come up with something reasonable to say. Had he not been a bit more reserved than Sirius, and had he not worked for the man behind the door, Remus would have probably joined Sirius on his mission. 

Ten seconds passed, and the lock finally clicked. Sirius grabbed the handle and pulled the door open forcefully, striding inside without hesitation. 

"You call yourself our Dad", Sirius's voice came from inside the office, and Remus reached the doorway just in time to see him land a hard punch on his father's jaw. Remus winced and watched as Orion stumbled a few steps backwards, only to straighten back up and grab Sirius by the neckline of his shirt. 

"You son of a–" 

"Stop, dear Merlin!" Minerva's voice came from behind Remus, and before he could register it, he was being pushed aside as Minerva rushed into the office with a fierce look on her face. She stopped inches away from Orion and placed a protective hand on Sirius's shoulder. 

"Let go of the poor boy", she said, and Remus could hear her voice shake with anger. Orion's eyes widened momentarily, but he did as he was told, and Sirius stumbled back and rubbed at his chest, glowering at his father. Remus was at his side in an instant, but the cold look Sirius gave him made him freeze on the spot. He stopped his hand midair, for the look on Sirius's face signaled that Remus might get punched next. 

"Out of here, both of you", Minerva said to them, and Sirius stepped forward defiantly. 

"I'm not leaving you here with that maniac", he grumbled, pointing at his father. Minerva gave him a stern look and pointed at the door. 

"Sirius. Please", she said pleadingly: "I'll be with you in a minute, just do as I say. Please." 

Sirius stared back at her for a moment before ducking his head and nodding slightly. He cast one more deadly glance at his father and then he was storming out of the room. Remus glanced once more at Minerva for confirmation before following suit. The door swung shut behind them and Remus reached out just in time to grab Sirius's arm before he could run off. 

"Hey", he said steadily. Sirius whipped his head around and jerked his arm away. 

"Piss off", he grumbled, and Remus frowned incredulously. 

"Yeah?" he huffed: "Please don't attack a wall." 

"I wasn't going to", Sirius spat out, but Remus didn't quite find it convincing after his sudden outburst just a minute ago. 

"Are you okay?" 

"No." 

"Do you want to–" 

"NO!" Sirius stepped further back, frowning at Remus. "No, I don't want to fucking talk, just leave me alone." 

"What?" Remus choked out, frowning as well. "Sirius, I'm not– you don't have to be mad at _me_ –" 

"I said I don't want to talk!" 

"Okay, fine!" Remus gushed. He had to remind himself that Sirius had had quite the day as it already was, and he probably didn't want to argue with Remus on top of it all. He took a deep breath before speaking again. "Fine, we don't have to talk, I just... I'm worried about you." 

"Well, tough." 

"Hey–" 

"Let me be!" Sirius spat out gruffly: "You weren't there, you didn't see her–" 

"No, I wasn't, and I really wish I had been, but I was with your–" 

"Yes, because a fucking meeting is more important than _my mother_!" 

" _I_ don't think that!" 

"Well, you weren't there!" 

"I know I wasn't, I said I was with–" 

"Just fuck off!" Sirius shouted hoarsely. His mouth was a straight line as he stared at Remus with cold eyes; the look made Remus want to sink through the floor. The door behind him opened quietly, and he didn't bother looking at Minerva as she stepped out of the office and stared at the interaction going on before her eyes. 

"Boys–" she started gently, but Sirius had already turned his back and started storming down the corridor. Remus was still frozen to his spot, and even the warm hand Minerva placed on his shoulder wasn't enough to take away the feeling of coldness. 

"He'll come around", Minerva said quietly, squeezing his shoulder: "He's just upset and doesn't know how to accept help." 

"Yeah", Remus managed to say quietly, but he felt guilt wash over him and choke the air out of him, for he didn't know how much help he had actually offered. 

***

Sirius didn't come down for dinner, nor did Orion. It was a miserable party of three, and not many words were spoken thorough the span of it. Regulus's eyes were red and puffy as he poked at his mashed potatoes with his fork, only to have one mouthful and set his utensils down before excusing himself. Minerva reached a hand towards him as he exited the room, but didn't have it in her to stop him from going. She cast a helpless glance at Remus, who would rather have been anywhere but at the house in that moment. 

James called at around eight in the evening, which Remus was grateful for. 

"Is he okay?" he asked as a way of greeting: "Lily gave me your number, he's not picking up." 

"I haven't spoken to him for a couple hours", Remus replied, pulling his blanket tighter around himself. He was in the attic library, sitting on the windowsill. He had a book open next to him on the surface, but so far he had only managed to read half a paragraph. "He told me to piss off and then stormed into his room. Haven't seen him after that." 

"Sounds like Sirius", James remarked glumly from the other end of the line. 

"I don't know what to do, James", Remus said helplessly, leaning his head back against the window frame. 

"He can be a real pain in the ass when he's upset", James said: "He says he doesn't want to talk–" 

Remus hummed in confirmation. 

"–but he really needs the support. And he may not see it now, but he really shouldn't be alone." 

Remus nodded. 

"You went camping?" James asked a moment of silence, though it wasn't really a question: "How was that?" 

"It was nice", Remus smiled despite himself, grateful for the change of subject: "Yeah, it was... great." 

"Well done you, for getting him out into the wilderness", James mused: "Swear he's always turned me down, and I've asked him to come with me about a hundred times." 

Remus smiled at that, but he didn't really know how to respond. "How's Lily?" he asked instead. 

"She's worried", James said right away: "Sends you hugs." 

"Thanks." 

"Look, are you there right now? At the house?" 

"Yeah, I'm– I'm here." 

"Could you try and go speak with him? I know he might flip you off or– shout at you or something, but I think it's just important that he knows he's got someone to talk to if he needs to. And I really need someone to check on him, he's... well, he has a history with alcohol. Just... if you could, Remus? I'm really worried." 

"Yeah, of course", Remus said quickly, pushing himself off the window ledge and sending the book to the floor with a thump in the process: "I'll text you afterwards or– call or whatever." 

"Call", James confirmed. 

"Yeah, I'll call you." 

"Thanks, Remus. Really." 

"No problem", Remus breathed, crouching to open the trap door. 

"You're a good mate", James said: "Don't let him give you shit for it." 

Remus swallowed. "Yeah, I won't. Thanks. Bye." 

"Bye." 

Remus lowered the latter, climbed down hastily, shut the trap door behind him and rushed towards the basement. When he reached the door to Sirius's room, he was relieved to find it open. He jogged down the stairs, only to be stopped by the second door at the bottom of it; like he had anticipated, this one was locked. 

"Sirius?" he gave a light knock. 

"Go away." 

"Can you let me in?" 

"No." 

"Please?" 

" _No_ , Remus, I told you to fuck off." 

Remus bit his lip and ran a hand over his face. He might not be getting in, but he couldn't leave before making sure James's fears were irrelevant. "Are you..." he started carefully: "You're not drinking, are you?" 

Silence. Then: "Did James put you up to this?" 

Remus hesitated. "He's really worried about you", he said tentatively. 

"Oh, for fuck's sake", Sirius groaned from inside his room: "Piss off, both of you. I'm perfectly fine." 

"He's only trying to help", Remus said, starting to feel a little vexed: "He– _we_ only want to make sure you're alright." 

Sirius didn't respond to that, and Remus felt very much helpless in that moment. Unless he was going to kick the door down, there was really no way for him to get inside. But he couldn't bloody well just leave and go back to his own room, not without worrying about Sirius and his possible drinking problem all night. 

He sighed and sat down on the last stair, pressing his forehead against the wooden door. "I'm not going anywhere until you let me check in on you." 

"Well, there you are", Sirius's muffled voice said: "Done." 

"Can't see much from behind this door", Remus returned pointedly. 

"I'm fine", Sirius said irritably: "Honestly, it's the same to me, it's not like her and I were even on good terms. Like, ever." 

"Then why are you locked up in your room?" Remus asked: "You seemed pretty upset earlier." 

Sirius took a moment to answer. "I was pissed off at my Dad", he said eventually: "Still am. He's– fuck, he's heartless." 

"I agree", Remus said right away: "I agree, Sirius, but you don't have to be mad at me or– do you want Minerva? Or Regulus? James? Whoever you want, I can get someone if you want _me_ to get lost?" 

"No." 

"Have you eaten anything?" 

"I'm not hungry", Sirius let out a drained laugh: "Remus, you don't have to do this. I'm fine!" 

"How do I know?" 

"Do I sound drunk?" 

"It's not about whether you're drunk or not!" Remus lifted his forehead off the door and rubbed his face with his hand: "Look, do you want me to get you something to eat? Minerva made dinner earlier, if you want me to heat that up for you." 

"I'm fine!" Sirius said for the millionth time. 

"Fine", Remus returned, fighting to keep the irritation out of his voice: "I'll just sit here and wait, then." 

"Fine." 

Remus placed his elbows on his knees, laced his fingers together and leaned his chin on his hands. He sat there for at least fifteen minutes before standing up and padding up the stairs and into the kitchen, where he made Sirius a cup of tea and a sandwich. Ten minutes later he returned to the bottom of the staircase and set the cup of tea down on one of the stairs, then knocked on the door again. 

"I brought you food." 

Silence. 

"What food?" 

The corner of Remus's mouth twitched up slightly. "A sandwich." 

A moment passed and then Remus heard muffled footsteps. A second later the door opened and Sirius came into view. He was wearing sweatpants and a black hoodie, his hair was falling over his face and he looked exhausted. 

"You can come in, but I don't want to talk", he stated evenly, then accepted the plate Remus was holding out. Remus turned around to grab the teacup and then entered the room behind Sirius and closed the door. It was dark until Sirius put the lights on, then slogged to his bed and sat down. He bit into the sandwich and gave a gloomy smile when he noticed the amused look on Remus's face. 

"Fucking starving", he mumbled with his mouth full of bread, and Remus couldn't hold back the laugh that escaped his lips. He walked over to Sirius, set the mug of tea on the night table and sat down next to him on the bed. They didn't speak a word to each other while Sirius ate, as per his request. When he had finished the sandwich and downed the rest of the tea, he set the dishes on the floor and fell onto his back on the bed, feet still against the floor. Remus rotated his body to look at him and chanced opening his mouth. Sirius certainly didn't look like he'd been drinking, nor did he smell of booze, so that was good. 

"How do you feel?" 

Sirius tilted his head to look at him impassively. "Said I don't want to talk." 

"Something's up with you." 

"My fucking mother just died today", Sirius frowned: "Of course something's up with me." 

"Then why do you say you're fine?" Remus insisted, tucking his feet under himself and turning to properly look at Sirius. 

"Because I don't... feel anything", Sirius shrugged, his eyes unreadable. "I'm not sad or... or angry – well, maybe a bit, but that's because of that fucking idiot upstairs." 

"Don't talk about Minerva like that", Remus frowned slightly, and thankfully Sirius understood and accepted the joke; the swift smile that flashed on his face helped Remus feel a little more at ease. 

"I just feel empty", Sirius shrugged again, turning his head to fix his eyes back on the ceiling. "I guess it feels bad, because she was so weak these past few days, and she tried to make it better the few times that I went to see her", he continued, and Remus didn't dare interrupt now that he had gotten started: "But still, it doesn't make up for all the shit she's done, to me and Regulus." He turned to look at Remus again. "Does that make me horrible?" 

Remus shook his head. "No, it doesn't. She hurt you, and yeah, maybe it hurt you to see her hurting, too, but... that makes sense. She was terrible to you, but she was still your mother. You're allowed to feel conflicted about this." 

Sirius observed him for a while before nodding slowly. "I think I get it." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah. It just feels bad because I knew her for so long, and maybe I loved her at some point, but she was really just another person in my life." 

Remus didn't know what to say to that – it was hard for him to imagine someone not loving their own mother, but then he thought of what Sirius had said about Walburga, and it became a little clearer. Maybe Sirius was right – she was just another person in his life, not a stranger but not someone he loved, either. Nor someone he even liked: she'd hurt him, and now she no longer could. It made Remus feel at peace, but that was a thought he would never say out loud, because it made him feel guilty. Cruel. But you can't hide from your feelings, can you? And Walburga Black had been cruel, too. 

"Have you seen Reg?" Sirius asked, interrupting Remus's train of thought. 

"Yeah, briefly", Remus nodded and risked lowering down onto his elbows. Sirius's expression didn't flicker, so he stayed like that. "He was at dinner, but he didn't really eat anything. Excused himself halfway through." 

"And Minerva?" 

"Acting tough", Remus smiled glumly. 

"She _is_ tough." 

"Yeah, I know", Remus sighed: "But she's also hurting." 

"I feel bad for that", Sirius said quietly, fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie: "It's partly my fault." 

Remus gave him an awkward half-smile that indicated that yes, Sirius was indeed part of the reason for Minerva's worrying, even if that was never his intention. Sirius saw the look on Remus's face and sighed. 

"I'll apologize to her when I see her." 

"I don't think you need to _apologize_ to her", Remus said with a small shrug: "Just... I don't know, be there for her?" 

"Yeah", Sirius breathed, biting his lip: "Yeah, you're right. I'm shit at stuff like this." 

"No you're not", Remus shook his head. He wanted so badly to grab Sirius's hand, nuzzle next to him on the bed, stroke his hair, tell him it would be okay. He waited for Sirius to give him a sign that it would be okay to do those things, but he didn't get one, not yet, at least. 

"I am, though, aren't I?" Sirius flashed him a sombre smile. "She'd do anything for me, she _has_ done _everything_ for me, and how do I pay her back? Exactly", he dropped his head back against the sheets: "I don't." 

"She doesn't want you to... pay her back or whatever", Remus said: "She wants you to be okay." 

"I _am_ okay." 

"Tell _her_ that." 

Sirius sighed, flicking his eyes back to Remus. A small smile was playing on his lips, or so Remus thought. Hoped. Sirius nodded against the mattress, then reached his hand forward to fondle Remus's cheek. "I will", he said quietly: "Soon. But I don't want to get out there yet." 

Remus nodded and gave him a smile in return. He felt so relieved to feel Sirius's skin on his, he could have laughed. 

Sirius's hand moved down to Remus's chest and tucked at the fabric of his shirt there, and Remus all but flung towards him and pressed against his side, nuzzling his face deep into Sirius's hoodie. He sighed in relief, the rhythm of Sirius's heartbeat calming him down in an instant. Sirius smelled so good and familiar, and Remus wasn't even the one who needed comforting. Sirius's arms wrapped around his back and held him close, and even though the world around them was slowly crumbling, Remus felt the safest he had ever felt. 


End file.
